A/N: I don't really know what this is. I came up with the line about the sneeze guard and things just sort of escalated from there.
My tears slide down
the sneeze guard of the buffet
as I reach for my fourth helping
of triple-layer chocolate cake.
Their tracks blot out the dirty looks
that the employee on the other side
has been giving me since my second
helping,
so I pretend to be oblivious to her,
and fake-cough loudly for good measure.
If I could see her face,
it might coax a small smile, despite my
will to be sad.
The cake tastes saltier than usual this
time,
but I still shovel it into my mouth,
same as before.
As I stack the empty plate on top of
the other six
on my table for two,
I take a sip of watered-down coke
to clear the salt from my mouth.
The taste still lingers, like cough
syrup,
and that is when I make the decision to not
go for fifths.
My tears have even infiltrated the
cake.
Food can no longer be a distraction.
Only ten dollars a visit
for that disproportionate amount of
food I just ate.
Only eight dollars a month
for the disproportionate amount of
Netflix
I will watch when I get home.
An all-you-can-eat buffet of television
that I'll gorge myself with
until it, too, is overwhelmed with
tears
rendering it inedible.
I'll move onto the next mindless
comfort, then the next,
until I have no more money,
no more comforts to enjoy that are
uncontaminated by tears,
and no memory of why I'm crying them anymore.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey! Cello here!
Okay... You said I should review this but aahhh this is a strugle
WAIT I DIDN"T SAY 'ELLO IT'S CELLO I COULD GO BACK AND DELETE IT BUT NAH
Okay onto reviewing.
I really enjoyed the whole bitter sense of this. The salty cake and the annoyed employee were my favorite parts (Along with the first line on it's own) Honestly, reading this made me feel full, like i had eaten a ton of cake.
I'm supposed to be helping you improve ahh okay
The only thing that felt slightly 'eh' was the netflix part. I was really into the whole buffet theme then boom! netflix. It was distracting, I guess. Out of place maybe? It's fine, not a big deal, and I'd hate for you to edit out so much, so probably just leave it.
This was a crappy excuse for a review- I apologize.
Keep up the great work and good luck on not crying while watching dw. (That won't happen. There's always something to cry about on doctor who)
-ChocolateCello
ahh thanks
and when there's not something to cry about on doctor who, i'll be crying happy tears anyway.
Hey ¨cleverclogs¨ I'm here to do a review!
Okay so first I would like to say that I really liked this quote.
I really liked this quote because it goes really good with your poem. It really describes how you feel about eating the cake, and how you do not want to eat it, but you do for comfort. I just really liked this quote, and where you put it in your poem.
Okay so for this part of the poem I thought it was good, but I think that it is a run-on sentence. I think that you should have separated it. For example I think that you should have put, ¨I'll move onto the next mindless comfort, then the next,
until I have no more money. I'll no more comforts to enjoy that are uncontaminated by tears, and no memory of why I'm crying them anymore. ¨ I think that you should have just wrote it to make a more construct ending to your poem.
I really liked this part of the poem. I liked how you used a simile and the words that you compare. It really gives the reader an image on what the it tasted like. I like how it was descriptive and written well.
I thought that your poem was really good! Keep up the good work!
Hey cleverclogs, Msho13 here to give you a review
. It shows the visual of a girl so upset that she can't help but eat her feelings. It sets up what the writing is going to be about or lean into. I really loved the details you put in about the cake and the characters surroundings. How it tasted saltier and the fact that the employees were giving you dirty looks. It puts the reader into the situation.So I really like how you opened up,
One thing I would change is the last sentence, I feel like this is a very long run on sentence that could be broken up or just cut down. Maybe you could take out the uncontaminated by tears part. By doing this people can focus on the list rather than be distracted by details you are cramming in. Overall I really loved this. It was very funny and then towards the end you realized the character is actually dealing with something very sad. The tone completely changed and it was awesome. I was thinking one thing and then completely thought another at the end of it. Can't wait to read more from you!
Hey,
Farah here. I agree with the previous comment. The initial tone of the poem was a humorous one, and became darker as it progressed. I really like that approach. Sort of surprises the reader in a good way. The theme itself was portrayed very well, so kudos. I enjoyed the colloquial style. The literary devices were used well too. In fact, it would make a great spoken word poetry.
Hope to read more of your poetry. Things like this inspires me to write my own poems. So thank you.
Good luck!
I would love to review this but I can never manage a review without editing something and there's nothing to improve on so... (It's kinda perfect)
The first bit of it really made me laugh but it got kinda sad towards the end
(Still loved it though- like seriously loved it)
I feel so flattered that you felt that gif was appropriate for my poem.
Thanks!