"i wish i could talk to u irl"
i type it as if everything that happens after i open my laptop
ceases to be "real", as if
my keyboard isn't solid underneath my fingertips
and my heartbeat pauses once the green light goes on,
halting my pulse until i return to what is "real":
people whose eyes wrinkle when they smile at me
and who graciously turn down my invitations to the movies
because they have soccer practice that day,
and sorry, but their coach just won't let them skip.
it's as if there's not another person on the other side of
the mountains and the computer screen,
whose face breaks out in a grin that i can't see on their face
but in their choice of words,
and whose fingers are tapping out one last message
before they pull on their most hated black dress
that will be wet with sweat from the heat of the stage lights
by the end of their school concert this evening.
i type "gtg" and hit enter.
a few moments later, my computer pings with their reply:
a farewell, talk-to-u-later message,
and so on both sides of the screen and the country,
we walk away from each other and into what is "real".
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This made me cry - I had an online friend I loved once, but I don't know where they are anymore. Thank you so much for writing this.
Hi.
I really appreciate the mood and the message you convey. It's very subtle and you never say what you mean outright. I like the idea in general that talking to people over the internet isn't real. The mood is also really nice but I do have criticisms about that.
The mood you have is, at least I feel like it is, ideological rather than realistic. I feel like its food for thought. That being said, I don't like the hyper realistic examples you give especially at the end of the first verse. I think you could either cut it altogether or just leave the examples general. In addition to that, I think that these examples, not only the ones in the first verse but also the last part of the second verse break your flow.
I do like this overall.
I like how you define the difference between what is "real" and "not real". The poem was very well worded and I found it very easy to connect to, sometimes while online it does seem like things are fake and I get snapped back into "reality". This almost has an emotional relatedness to it and I get a very clear understanding of what is being told by the person in "reality". This poem is very brief but at the same time seems very raw, like the character is trying to distinct "reality" from this imaginary world. Very well done. Props.
I don't think you quite got the meaning I was going for- This poem isn't about saying that internet is a fantasy world, it's saying that the internet is just as real as "real life". Thanks anyway though! Do you have any ideas on how I could make this clearer to readers?
I think it was pretty clear, I did understand what the poem was trying to say. I believe it was on my end by not making my review clear that I did understand what you were trying to say. Sry about that haha. I think that it is a really good poem that is showing that there isn't really a difference between reality and this "alter reality". That was on my end I apologize.
oh, that makes sense XD Thanks!
Hey there! Grav here for a review!
So I decided to review this because I can definitely relate to this. Online friendships and relationships can certainly seem very real or actually be very real to you, depending on the person. I have tons of friends on here that I feel closer to than people in real life.
I liked your decision to leave out capitalization and punctuation, to me that really gives me the feel of being on a computer and typing with a really close friend. I prefer to spell everything out but this poem just has that raw "textspeak" feel which I think really matches your meaning. I love that, I think it's very unique and using correct capitalization and punctuation would've really taken away from the message you were trying to convey. I cannot say enough how awesome that choice was, good for you
My only complaint would be these few lines.
I can certainly understand why you decided to include this, but I felt it was very out of place. It drew my attention away from what I felt you were trying to say. This poem, I felt, was not as much about the person you are talking to specifically (as in, you're not describing this person bit by bit,) it's more about the realness and closeness you can feel with somebody online vs. how some of your other friends may abandon you in real life. I kind of felt this particular detail was just sort of disjointed and didn't really belong in this piece. I also thought it contrasted with your meaning. You were trying to convey about how your online friend/girlfriend is there for you more than your other friend who has soccer practice all the time, yet you describe this person leaving to go sing in their chorus concert.
So I understand why you put that in, I just felt it didn't belong.
One other thing that I really enjoyed was your motif of what is "real" and what is not. How something that other people don't see as real is much more real to you than actual reality. (Yes, that last sentence probably made better sense in your head.) But it really left me something to think about.
So, other than those few tiny lines of text, I thought this was a great poem. You did a really good job on it. Happy Writing!
XOXO,
Gravity
Yesss, you understood my capitalization and punctuation perfectly. <3
I wasn't really going for a comparison between my internet friends vs "real life" friends. I put the soccer practice and the concert in more to show how they're both real people with real commitments. That's really what this poem was- an observation about how we say "in real life" as if everything on the internet is fake, yet my internet friends' lives are just as vivid as anyone else's. I definitely understand what you're saying though, so I'll try to make that clearer.
Thanks for the review!
Hi!
I love the imagery and detail in this brief poem! You make this world within our emails, chats, internet come to life. The only thing I would change would be to capitalize the all of the i's and use stricter punctuation. I love how you have incorporated internet slang into your poem, and how almost everyone who reads this will know exactly what you are talking about. I can't wait to read some more of your work, and good luck with your future endeavors!
~Rascalover
Thanks! Capitalization and punctuation were left out intentionally. It's a stylistic choice.
so i love this
Thank uuuuu <333