My brother's hair is still dripping
from his wake-up shower
when I walk in the front door and hang
up my backpack.
“Good morning,” my dad greets him,
not looking up from his dinner
preparations.
When finally, all homework is
completed,
I lay my head on my pillow and close my
eyes.
The night is silent except for the
distant creaking of his chair.
My family spans two different time zones,
but I know that crossing the date line
inevitably leads to bleary-eyed jet
lag,
so I snore quietly as the glow of his
computer screen
becomes the sun of his day.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
This was an unexpected surprise but not a bad one! I thought with a title like that it would be about travel but instead it's kind of a commentary on those people in our society who insist on being 'vampires' as my family have taken to calling my brother. I swear, he barely sees 1 day a week since he's such a night owl!
It gets a little one sided in the second stanza; what's the brother doing while you're doing your homework? Does he eat breakfast with you when you eat dinner? My brother's dinner usually is his breakfast and when I'm visiting home, sometimes he joins us at the table.1. I like the first line but I think the second could be a firmer contrast/ more interesting. Maybe you could play on the dryness outside or bringing dust in with you? Something like 'while I'm shedding eight hours of dust over the carpet.' or 'While I'm hanging up my backpack for the day'. That might help get the sense of time across and make the contrast clearer.
2.
3. I'm not sure I understand 'crossing the date line' - don't we all cross that anyway when we go to sleep? I think you need a more specific image or a sense of watching the date line pass without sleeping. I'm not sure what to suggest though, maybe outliving the date line?
4. Nice ending!
Overall
I really like the theme but I think you could get a few more interesting pieces of imagery or life events in there. Maybe an observation about how the lights are never off in your house?Or a comparison of your brother to a guard dog or of your relationship as being like that of the sun and the moon who both pass each other only briefly, or like the ship ad the lighthouse - the light shining in the dark as your ship moves away and then toward again? Ships passing in the night? These are perhaps slightly cliche examples but you may be able to put a new twist on one or come up with something even better!
All the best with this,
~Heather
I see the reviewing goddess has bestowed her blessing upon my poem XD Thanks for the advice!
I'm not sure about reviewing goddess, hehe but no problem!
My favorite line is the last one - "The glow of his computer screen becomes the sun of his day". It works perfectly, and it helps describe some of the times when I was on a ridiculous schedule staying up all night and sleeping all day... Well put!
Hi there! When reading this I could see two audience perspectives. First being of those who are out of school. To me it felt like a poem to start the summer. The second being those still in school. That feeling was "Yes! They understand!". For being very brief, it conveyed quite alot. I especially like the line, " My family spans two different time zones,". I don't know what more could be revised other than more imagery. Thank you for the poem to start off summer!
Basically, yeah XD There's nothing like having a sibling who's already out of school to make that end-of-year slump even worse.
This was an interesting poem about how you and your brother live in different time zones. It was actually a cool concept about how you guys literally live a time apart. Anyway, I really don't see anything really wrong with this, it was pretty well polished. The idea really got me as a reader interested. Good work. The only thing that really made no sense to me was the end line stating: "so I snore quietly as the glow of his screen becomes the sun of his day." I just didn't quite understand that. Did it mean that your brother wakes up to a computer? I just didn't quite get that. But, other than that, there is obviously nothing wrong with this. The poetry and the words just all flow together nicely, like a good poem should.
The time zones weren't literal.
I'm sorry. Like I should've said, I know nothing about poetry. I'll try to seek the deeper meaning in future poems that I review.