your fingers wrap around my wrist
like the boy whose grip would tighten
as the words slip from his lips
''I love you.''
his arms constrict like a python,
pushing the air from my lungs.
''I love you.''
until the adequate answer is given
as if those three words could fill his festering wounds
as if they could heal his shaking hands.
you smile and laugh and whistle
but i can see something dangerous in your eyes
and i hope
i'm imagining it,
like the boy who would hold my hand
the boy who would grip my chin during the game of hide and seek.
there is something hidden here
and i can see the cracks growing
i can see the storm coming
but this time
i won't crumble.
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139,467 Literary Works • 672,571 Reviews
Hey there! Here for a review!
So I'm a fan of the minimalist capitalization style here, I think it fits with the speaker's voice.
I interpreted the poem to be about after thoughts of a speaker who is rethinking her/their realtionship with this boy who in hindsight really hurt them. It was sort of like the relationship was a backhanded compliment where the boy was always wounding and hurting at the same time he was with them. The speaker does say at the end though that they have this strength and that they think that it's ulimately the boy's problem and not their own.
The strongest image for me was definitely the metaphor of the playng hide and seek and then the "gripping chin" line. The double-handedness of that in the midst of something we normally think of as so innocent is excellent. It creates sort of an uncomfortable dissonance for me as a reader because I automatically put myself in that game of hide and seek too and can just feel sympathy for the speaker going through it.
You have touches of great imagery and metaphors along the way like the descriptions of words and the python. My main suggestion is I think you could work on making all of your imagery and metaphors connect. Of course they don't all have to connect, but if you can refer to the same metaphor in different ways, or keep them within the same realm of themes (like nature, games, or colors) then it'll help the poem's cohesiveness and add another level to the poem at an interpretive and figurative level.
Keep on writing! Looking forward to reading more of your poems!
~alliyah
Thanks for the review!
Hello clancy! Hope you're having a good day!
First of all, I love your style. It's written in such a unique and interesting way and I like how you used repetition. I'm not really sure how to interpret the song though. However I noticed something:
"Like the boy who's grip would tighten"
Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to use whose here? 's can be short for is or used with Martin/brother...(brother's socks etc.) .
Basically, the possesive form of who, right? That's what you need, and that's whose.
thanks so much! i didn't catch that so thank you for pointing it out.
Wow, thats awesome. I love the reality of this, unsure if something said really represents whats inside, totally relatable. I like the slight romance about it. I dont really have any grammatic things to comment on, its all correct to my knowledge. Anyways, good job, and I hope to read more from you in the future! :3