z

Young Writers Society



Love

by clancy


I have learned from watching you

This “love” is nothing more than the chains you use to twist our wrists

Something sickly you grapple around our throats

Founded on lies and manipulation

You can only blame yourself when we seek safer roads

.

I have learned from watching others

Not everyone has shackles around their wrists

Not everyone has a ring of dirty keys in their pocket

Like some prison guard guarding prison cells full of souls

Love is sacrifice and selflessness

And everything you try to pretend it’s not

It is gentle and healing and a truth you have chosen to ignore

.

I have learned from watching

And our eyes are opening up

It’s monstrous awaking

And this time

You can’t sew them shut

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Points: 42
Reviews: 1

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Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:55 pm
ScarlettBlacck says...



I am enjoying your poem so much that i am wishing for more detail, more feel? I hope you understand me, because the other comments have already addressed punctuation. I feel like you can dig deeper and display more of your/her pain and anger of the love that wasn't truly love. What are her raw emotions when her eyes opened to what love truly is through watching others.

With love
ScarlettBlacck




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Points: 42
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Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:54 pm
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ScarlettBlacck wrote a review...



I am enjoying your poem so much that i am wishing for more detail, more feel? I hope you understand me, because the other comments have already addressed punctuation. I feel like you can dig deeper and display more of your/her pain and anger of the love that wasn't truly love. What are her raw emotions when her eyes opened to what love truly is through watching others.

With love
ScarlettBlacck




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624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

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Sun Feb 10, 2019 6:07 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Clancy. Casanova here to do a review for you.

I have learned from watching you

This “love” is nothing more than the chains you use to twist our wrists

Something sickly you grapple around our throats

Founded on lies and manipulation

You can only blame yourself when we seek safer roads


The first thing is the capitalization- that's strictly a stylistic choice, you don't have to capitalize every first word like you would in prose. I usually do it whenever I'm putting emphasis on a word or group of words that are supposed to be more powerful than the one's before- or the ones I just want to stand out, but it's up to you.

Overall I find the chain line to be the far best over here- it's the only one that focuses on imagery rather than "you" statements- which is a hard narrative to do, anyway, and one I don't think was pulled off very well. You switch between "I" and "You" but don't really give us much in the terms of imagery.

Most of this is /decent/, I will admit, but I would like to see it brushed up a bit. Stop tackling I and You statements and really go for that imagery. I get it, poetry is good for venting. That's what I used it for whenever I first started. But it can be so much more than that, and I like using it as an extension of myself. Whatever I picture in my head, I want to see on the page. Whenever I describe it, I want it to be exactly what I see it in my head- and I think that's something all of us should strive for, even if we don't like what we write.

Anyway, all in all this wasn't a bad piece and I would like to see more.

Keep on keeping on,

Sincerely, Casanova




clancy says...


Thank you so much for the review and the advice!



Casanova says...


Not a problem!



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616 Reviews

Points: 122617
Reviews: 616

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Sun Feb 10, 2019 3:01 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.

Okay let's get to it.

May I just start out by saying this is really an amazing poem you have written here. And I'm guessing the things you said in here are true for some people, so if it's happening to you, I'm sure everything will be alright in the end.
I will have to say you put so much emotion into this poem, it made it feel so real. Also by the way you wrote it it's like your telling us a story, so you have written this really well.
I would say it would have been nice to have some words that rimed, but that's not such a big deal.

Okay now down to the really review.

So as much as I liked your poem, I did see you didn't have any punctuation. Now this is kind of a problem, you do kind of need a few commas and stuff so I'll go ahead and show you what I mean.

I'm going yo use this part of the poem to show you what I mean.

I have learned from watching others

Not everyone has shackles around their wrists

Not everyone has a ring of dirty keys in their pocket

Like some prison guard guarding prison cells full of souls

Love is sacrifice and selflessness

And everything you try to pretend it’s not

It is gentle and healing and a truth you have chosen to ignore


Okay all the words in bold should have a fall stop after them, If you don't but some sort of punctuation at the end of your sentences then it will just feel like a line of words running into one another.
If you have trouble putting punctuation in, then I have a little trick for you i use all the time. Read your work aloud to yourself, I know it sounds silly, but it works to a degree.

Well I'm glad I could pop in here and read and review you lovely work. i hope to see more for of your work on the sight soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D




clancy says...


Thank you so much! Yeah, punctuation is always something I tend to forget xD but I%u2019ll definitely be sure to fix it. Thanks again.



clancy says...


I don%u2019t know why my keyboard decides to hate me but I meant *will haha





Okay. I'm glad I could help.
And don't worry, my keyboard hates me sometimes too.




I wish literally anything else I ever said made it into the quote generator.
— CowLogic