Falling against the wall
Everything blurry in the jolts
Then darkness consuming
Screams lost in the guttural rolling of the earth
Running through the wreckage of
And broken glass
Only fear intact
Sounds honestly like such a traumatizing thing to got through. Have you personally experienced one?If not then congrats on writing such a good poem with high quality words! This is the first time I read a poem which isn't about something nice and happy and I'm glad I did! I wonder if that really is what it feels like to go through an earthquake..Great job!
Sounds honestly like such a traumatizing thing to got through, have you personally experienced one?If not then congrats on writing such a good poem with high quality words!
all I noticed was ur thumbnail... ima douche
This is very realistic and raw which I really enjoyed. Also the length of the poem also fit into the aspect of fear and terror. A couple suggestions. First I would maybe take out "then" in "then darkness consuming" and just leave "darkness consuming" because I think it will convey the in the moment fear and unknown more realistically. I hope that made sense and it's completely up to you. I'm not judging just making suggestions. Just again, I really LOVED this and I can't wait to read more! -hermione2001
Hi clancy, welcome to the site! It sounds like this was a pretty terrifying event for you! I can't imagine going through an earthquake. Natural disasters are so scary, because there's so little we can do against them or even really to prepare. The poem portrayed that terror really well - I get the sense that the speaker is going through the earthquake as the poem is happening around them. The main theme seems to be fear, unpredictability, and destruction. As the other reviewers mentioned "than" in line 4 should be "then" - you use "than" for comparisons and "then" for transitions. I also wasn't quite sure what to make of the last two lines:
Aftershocks keeping // Only fear intact
Hi, Clancy! This is a gripping poem. I love your descriptions, they allow me to picture the terror of the earthquake (I hope you Alaskans are doing okay). I especially like the line "the guttural rolling of the earth." It conjures up a raw, chaotic feeling. My only critique is that "than" should be spelled "then." Also, maybe you could include some more details about the earthquake besides visual imagery? I suggest describing the reactions of those involved in the quake, and how they expressed their fear.
Excellent use of word portrayal. I can really feel the situation! My two critiques are: I feel like the story should be longer. You're giving a lot of visual imagery, but not so much of the feeling of the story. Another thing- you say *than* darkness consuming when the proper word would be *then* darkness consuming.
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