Young Writers Society

I really dig the formatting for this piece! The way you put parenthetical thoughts in between each line is nice, and adds a sort of "whispered" inner thought element to the voice of the narrator.

You've got a unique poetic voice, and the opening two lines are just so striking. "Drinking Red bull like it's wine / I'm afraid of becoming 21" - gosh, there's a lot of emotion in there. It has the contrast between the sophisticated and desperate, but also the anxiety and fear of relying on something addictive or unhealthy.

It's a little difficult to follow the narrative all the way through because the piece feels a bit disjointed from thought to thought. On one hand I kind of like the stilted flow of the piece, because it goes with the expression of fear/anxiety - but I do wish I could interpret the narrative a little more clearly. For instance we go from addiction, to brokenness, to family, to memories and 'never forget' -> there aren't any transitions or themes that run through. I think if you wrapped back to some of the initial images of drinking at the end, or had a running metaphor it'd help the poem feel more cohesive.

I think overall though this is a really interesting point of view for a poem. Looking forward to reading more of your work!

alliyah

Heya, this is ElvenJedi, here to review your work!

First off, I absolutely love the words you chose in this poem and the meaning behind it all. Great job! Anyway, onto some critique~

Throughout this work, there are some lines that almost rhyme, but not quite: "shouts" and "out", "unsafe" and "changed, "bones" and "wounds". This made the lines that didn't rhyme at all, such as "help" and "drown", sound rather odd and unfitting. I suggest either you keep the near rhymes consistent throughout the poem, or you get rid of the more obvious ones like "shouts" and "out".

Also, the lines in the first half of the poem (up until "I'm slowly realizing...") are generally short and have a bit of a rhythm to them. In the second half however, the lines are longer and less poetic/lyrical. Specifically, these lines:

We are a family
(in that we are the only ones who know the exact demons walking these halls)

Wow, interesting and very good. I am also unsure of what this counts as, but I like it. I can totally relate to this, the fear of getting older, the pain of a broken family, I have lived, and am still living through a very similar experience. Nothing really to correct as far as the setup, its very good, though not following any specific structure. I like the wording, and the veiw of an optimist, and then a following veiw of a pessimist. Good job on this, and I hope to hear more in the future! :3