what is living without you?
because the same is sane
the different; empty
the pure swan blackens
and the black ripens gently
siskiyou pink cheeks
eternal eclipse for amidst
s
e
e
why i need you
scorched taste in lost words
inhaled in tart lungs
you use to protect me
like the shield of Achilles
now
empty as a pane
without a summer sol to shine again
winter take my name
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Hello, its me!
I loved this poem the concept was amazing and it was well written.
The only problem with it is punctuation. Your first sentence "what is living without you?" It has punctuation but that is the only one. Just because it is a poem doesn't mean you don't have punctuation. If you should at least put a comma at the end of each line and some form of punctuation at the end of the stanza.
Overall, I liked this it was a well written piece of literature. I'm glad I spent the time reading this. Please continue writing beautiful things such as this. I can't wait to read and review more of your work. I'm sorry if this was short and mainly corrections. I hope it helped.
Goodbye, Have a nice day!
- EmilyStarks
Hello! Short review time. I confess, I have a hard time reviewing others' work, as it is hard for me to see where they need to improve. Anyway, I really like your concept, but I feel a little confused. It's almost like you juxtaposed imagery that didn't really go together (does this make sense?). I suggest you take time to develop your ideas further--if you do so, I think you could have a great piece. (See why *you* need *me*? Kidding...)
Keep up the good work!
Ruro here for a review!
Hello!
Alright! I like a lot of the imagery you convey here.
But I also feel like this poem is very confusing? Maybe it's just me.
I feel like this has some more to it that's unwritten or untold, which is why I find it confusing.
I've never heard the phrase "The Shield of Achilles" I've heard "Achilles' ankle" but never the shield of him.
Definitely a lot here I don't know about, so I'll do my best and try to get past that.
I like a lot of phrases you use, like this for example:
I really love the way that sounds and the meaning it gives. It's deep.
That's my favorite line btw.
So overall, this is very confusing on one level, but deep on another. I suggest maybe going over it a few times? Feels like there was more here but you didn't write it.
Well, this one must be wandering now!
~Ruro~
Thank you for this review! To start, The Shield of Achilles is a reference to the Homer's The Illiad
Also, you are right in this sense, this poem was inspired by a pain that was sort of blinding so it's more vague but i plan on working with it some more potentially(:
Glad I could help