Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
i am the most peaceful darkness you can become intertwined against as even in light i blend in with the freckles of the galaxy gleaming wide, engulfing larger than Hercules A. in the midst of lurking for hearts back to mend while attempting to destroy mine with such great effort, as if I were the prodigal son repenting for my sin. with destruction as subtle as the ice of my heart attempting to thaw, resembling being forgotten in the Arctic and time does not move as do i not; impression was frozen but never retained like the taste of your lips on mine. but contrary to popular belief, i inspired the ring of fire except all 452 volcanoes were active threats to hire. the damage carves the Pacific Rim along my interior but sets ablaze in my eyes. your plate is being subducted by mine only to create our own San Andreas fault line tattooing our hearts for certain cataclysmic disaster.
now technically the opposite of war is creation, even though all our creations were war; but never did i crave such destructive creation, as if i were the Yuan dynasty and a century flew by like the blink of an eye, only short lived to of course lose control to you; the Ming. but we both knew my insurgence stood no chance with hips that caught mine like they were meant to. i mean your pulchritude was not labeled ruinous without iniquitous deeds. you will learn that i find most pleasure in assisting anything over myself. while you conquest amongst my internal organs, pillaging conquistadors ravage in such a sense that my casualty’s expense was none to less, inventing our own Age of Discovery. and just as priceless as the 100 million gifted to the gods for selfish discovery, not that you notice that you are my Christopher Columbus. i longed more than imaginable that you changed my world round from flat as if another dimension never existed before. but did you value me as much as the gold? for i always deemed you my greatest discovery.
now making you my big bang theory, every part of you growing my infinitely smaller heart and amount of pain I’ll be able to handle to the size of the Milky way, the dark matter fills me more, but every atom is important when I caress you against me. your star substantially vaster than mine. A supernova strands me scorched with remorse. and that is when i found the worth of nature without overlapping chemistry to comfort it, as your black hole only altered our structure but left me pair less like a radical ion.
now i acquire the sight of Theia, for i see beauty for that beauty could not even see itself. subject to love with you like you stole the name Hyperion. amongst the depths of appearance, i surface, panicking in your Pacific Ocean, i sentence myself to strategize a direction. like the battle i was chasing was with Poseidon himself for the control of your seas. as enlightened as the enlightenment like the lights that shine moved with time. i was struck down like a French counterrevolutionary, collapse of the old regime leaving me powerless in the vast expansion of your sovereign ideas; you were my Montesquieu searching through only exploration of freedom. i will always treasure our story like that of Atlantis, plummeting the depths of the intriguing but subsequently unknown. wishes that i were the actual lesson and you had not taught me everything. sorry that i fell in love.
gratefully my pressure left you crystallized for the next buyer.
a.k.a
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,783 Reviews
Hi there cheaperpoetry! Niteowl here to review this lovely piece of work.
Overall, this is beautful. It's so chock-full of allusions and references that I feel like I could read it over and over again and still not get every little detail, yet I can still connect with it enough to enjoy it.
As a sentence, this feel way too long. There's like five ideas here, so the reader gets lost super easily (at least this reader anyway). I also struck out "back" since it doesn't seem like it needs to be there.
A note on capitalization: I understand it's the poet's choice, but it's inconsistent, which bothers me. You capitalize most proper nouns, but not all (e.g. "Milky Way" and "Prodigal Son" should be capitalized), and you have most of the start of the sentences and i lowercase, but then I is capitalized in the first sentence. I would pick your rules on this and stick with them.
This sudden rhyme sticks out when there hasn't been any up to this point. I'm also not sure what "active threats to hire" is supposed to mean. Is it comparing them to mercenaries? Also, "Ring of Fire" is another proper noun.
Geology major here--the San Andreas is a strike-slip fault, which means the plates are sliding against each other, not subducting.
This sentence didn't seem to add much aside from some fancy words.
I feel like the part in italics could be worded better. As is, I'm not sure what you mean.
Love this.
I think this would make more sense if you lopped off the Big Bang theory bit in the beginning and started off with "Every part of you grows...". I also think you could replace the comma after "Milky Way" with a period and split another super-long sentence.
In a sea of super-long sentences, a wild fragment appears. I think "your star was..." is the easiest fix, or you could make this part of one of your other sentences.
Just some minor punctuation changes in bold. I think it would flow better this way.
The repetition and rhyming here kind of threw me. Also, if "enlightenment" is referring to the historical period, you should capitalize it.
Last nitpick, I promise.
To end on a positive note, this ending is just perfect.
Overall, this is really beautiful and emotional, such that my comments/suggestions are all minor. Keep writing!
I appreciate all of this! thank you for your time
Hi there cheaperpoetry! Niteowl here to review this lovely piece of work.
Overall, this is beautful. It's so chock-full of allusions and references that I feel like I could read it over and over again and still not get every little detail, yet I can still connect with it enough to enjoy it.
As a sentence, this feel way too long. There's like five ideas here, so the reader gets lost super easily (at least this reader anyway). I also struck out "back" since it doesn't seem like it needs to be there.
A note on capitalization: I understand it's the poet's choice, but it's inconsistent, which bothers me. You capitalize most proper nouns, but not all (e.g. "Milky Way" and "Prodigal Son" should be capitalized), and you have most of the start of the sentences and i lowercase, but then I is capitalized in the first sentence. I would pick your rules on this and stick with them.
This sudden rhyme sticks out when there hasn't been any up to this point. I'm also not sure what "active threats to hire" is supposed to mean. Is it comparing them to mercenaries? Also, "Ring of Fire" is another proper noun.
Geology major here--the San Andreas is a strike-slip fault, which means the plates are sliding against each other, not subducting.
This sentence didn't seem to add much aside from some fancy words.
I feel like the part in italics could be worded better. As is, I'm not sure what you mean.
Love this.
I think this would make more sense if you lopped off the Big Bang theory bit in the beginning and started off with "Every part of you grows...". I also think you could replace the comma after "Milky Way" with a period and split another super-long sentence.
In a sea of super-long sentences, a wild fragment appears. I think "your star was..." is the easiest fix, or you could make this part of one of your other sentences.
Just some minor punctuation changes in bold. I think it would flow better this way.
The repetition and rhyming here kind of threw me. Also, if "enlightenment" is referring to the historical period, you should capitalize it.
Last nitpick, I promise.
To end on a positive note, this ending is just perfect.
Overall, this is really beautiful and emotional, such that my comments/suggestions are all minor. Keep writing!
Hello, @cheaperpoetry! I'm here to review your work!
First of all, your capitalization. In poetry it can make sense to not capitalize any of the work, but here with your large blocks of text the impact of that action is lost and it just looks a bit out of place. It's my personal opinion you should change it, but feel free to do whatever works best for you.
Second, some of your sentences seem to run together. Your first sentence is:
i am the most peaceful darkness you can become intertwined against as even in light i blend in with the freckles of the galaxy gleaming wide, engulfing larger than Hercules A.
I feel like this would make more sense as separate sentences, like so (not taking into account any other feedback I've given during this review):
i am the most peaceful darkness. you can become intertwined against as even in light. i blend in with the freckles of the galaxy gleaming wide, engulfing larger than Hercules A.
Also, what is Hercules A? And why is the galaxy engulfing wider than it? I think you might want to reconsider your word choice there.
I really like your art, though I think one of my favorite lines is:
now technically the opposite of war is creation, even though all our creations were war; but never did i crave such destructive creation, as if i were the Yuan dynasty and a century flew by like the blink of an eye, only short lived to of course lose control to you; the Ming.
Overall advice? Capitalize it. Space out the blocks of text, if you can. Make the sentences clearer and make sure your references are more structured and specific.
I'm sorry if I seemed harsh during any of this; I really loved this. It was unique and thematic. Great job!
Hey restlessheart here, Happy Review Day
I really like this short piece of work, however there were a few parts that were confusing. Your use of vocabulary really paints a unique scene for your setting and adds a lot overall. Remember to always capitalize at the beginning of sentences and the word I, I know that one can become lazy with these details but better to form the habit now. Also the connections to real life events and people made this work more interesting adding depth and more relatable. Overall, you did a really nice job with detail and making the reader feel a certain way with a short amount of writing. As always keep writing 
Comment on this so I remember to come back and review~
thank you