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18+

sour

by cheaperpoetry


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

i prefer the comfort of darkness ever since i met you, 
where bodies are just bodies with different hymns.
your name is carved in my throat.
it really hurts to swallow
but i can’t feel when i breathe.
beauty has no glow until it settles.
you run through my veins, everyone i tend to see can't help. 
there is no cure to love, the everlasting epidemic.
i miss hearing your tiresome complaints about needing coffee
even though you already had three cups. 
sometimes i wish you would just say what you fucking mean.
i know, i say, i know
it at all but, loneliness doesn't leave and, i don't know how to describe it.
maybe bus rides with total strangers, but isn't that like the
dark? 
or that vase of flowers your mom treasures in the kitchen
because she has nothing left to cater to.
i read the paper because you said current events are
important.
but my neighbor would rather me read her.
it doesn't feel right but another day passes.
closer or further, i'll never know.
i have to hide the body, did you know a heart could wilt?
that body is really my body, and i asked my friends but i'm
done pretending
you always rolled your eyes when i said i need to get out of
here
because i can be a better me in a new city
i wish my fingertips weren't dry for attention,
my hair flows like you ran your fingers through it in the
gust of winter.
your freckles are heavenly and your eyes truly consuming but
not like these skins i hide in.

the night grows old but, we
died young.



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User avatar
207 Reviews


Points: 2577
Reviews: 207

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Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:08 am
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Rin321 wrote a review...



Hey cheaperpoetry! CHRISSY321 here with a quick review!

*Happy Review Day!* :elephant:

I really liked this poem! There are some great points that I really wanted to point out:

i miss hearing your tiresome complaints about needing coffee
even though you already had three cups.


I really like hearing these kind of lines, even in poems that are serious because it lightens them up a bit, making it more in enjoyable. This also make the reader have more aspects in common with the poem because something quirky like that is something that you can miss about a person. :)

Along with the great points, there were a few that were confusing to me and I want to address:

The entire poem you used 'i's instead of 'I's. This is just a natural thing that bugs me because it it a habit and does not look right, but it is a style that a writer chooses. I would just say you could make all of those capital if you wanted to-its your choice. :)

i read the paper because you said current events are
important.
but my neighbor would rather me read her.


I am not sure if you meant to put a period after 'important' but it seems a little weird because it seems like those two lines are supposed to be connected, but you put a period and started the other line with 'but' which was a little weird :/

you always rolled your eyes when i said i need to get out of
here


I think it should be:

you always rolled your eyes when i said i needed to get out of
there


I think this would flow nicer because the way your poems sounds, it is in pass tense.

I hope I helped with this review! I really did like this poem though! I greatly encourage you to keep writing! :D

~Chrissy




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28 Reviews


Points: 103
Reviews: 28

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Sat Jan 30, 2016 7:31 pm
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ErikaHale wrote a review...



Huh, quite bewildering indeed...

The word choice is very much appreciated since it gives the poem a bewitching aura. I also enjoy how in between the metaphors of bodies and beauty, you have much more ordinary ones like "your mother's beloved vase" and "asking for coffee after having three cups". It makes the poem more even and interesting.

I enjoy how you show 'love' in a whole new light. Because we all see it as either something pleasant or painful. But you show it as it really is, a bewildering emotion that can't really be explained.

The only thing I would change is the font. Sure, I use Courier New all the time, but I think it doesn't match this poem. Cambria would be the best choice in my opinion.

Other than that, it's a very bewildering and bewitching poem. Well done!






thank you, thank you! and i totally spaced the font so your suggestion for it is much appreciated!



ErikaHale says...


I'm glad. And I'd love to read more of your work, you're a very talented writer.





I have a tumblr with writing if you'd like to check it out on your spare time. It is the same as my name on here, and thank you so much!




Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
— Mark Twain