Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
February 4, 2016
I wish I could write everyday, but sometimes I don’t write for weeks. Someone important told me not to let it become years. I’m a mess, and I can’t taste the sliver between you and I. I can’t fit my nail between us to pick it apart. I’d like to blame you for making me a mess, but that’s all it’d be. I think about space, and you, neither make sense.
I heard we’re all made from stardust. I think you were made with a little more. Who are you? I’ll tell you. You’re the love of my life. I hope that’ll never change, whether you know or not. And who am I? I’m the curator of beautiful pieces, and you just happen to be the only piece worth caring for. When I say only, I mean only. It’s so belittling, interacting with all these souls not as old as yours. I wonder, how many lives have you lived? All I know is it is more than I. Do you believe in another universe where I am better? Not just good enough, but better, and you can turn my pages without ripping the spine.
What do your feet look like after winter, when it’s okay to be barefoot again? Do they miss the pursuit of the sunrise? I wonder if your heart is just as cold thawed? Will you still use my ribs to climb into my body at night? Are your moans still winter hymns? Was it love or just a fuck? Either way, there is only one woman I want to fuck and that scares me.
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139,430 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hello beautiful person~
I mean, it makes sense, but the thought gets lost in the articles. There has to be a more elegant way of conveying that idea here. Try using a metaphor just to anchor that with more nouns that aren't "it."I really love the conversational tone that you carry throughout all of your works. It sounds like you're speaking to someone, weaving a beautiful verbal tapestry that stars poke through.
That being said, your tone is a blessing and a curse. It brings the reader into a beautiful world and is down to earth at the same time. Also it can be a little wordy and unclear at times. As Autumns said, there are moments at which the poem becomes hard to follow because of the level of abstract thought used.
I like that you say "taste the sliver" but there is not really a point in tasting the sliver. Use a different word for sense here, something that implies touch but is not touch. Use taste in other aspects. What does the winter taste like? At least taste something a little more concrete than space.
As with the wordiness, let me point to one line in particular that needs rewording.
I'm not saying you should change it necessarily, but what is the purpose of separating the first word of every stanza? Just think about it and see if it would be less effective to put that first word with the rest of its brethren.
The last stanza is my favorite. It's where the message really shines through the tapestry, and it's revealing. It's naked. It could be a poem all on its own. The only criticism I have about it is the word "okay." Use anything else. "Acceptable," maybe. "all right," even. But "okay" ruins what you've got going on here. It seems like a nitpick but I was jiving to your beats and then it was a jarring bump.
Overall, this is really lovely, but work on making it just a tad more concrete, and cultivate the naked straightforwardness that's found in the last stanza all the way through the poem. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
Thank you for this review! About the format, I literally mess it up every post. I check the box that says preserve whitespace but it always changes it from the original piece. It is supposed to be paragraphs indented instead of just one word. Aside from that, I will work on the abstract ideas in the earlier stanzas!
Hey there cheaperpoetry, here's what I have to say about this piece-
The first thing that any reader will notice about this poem is that it is too abstract. Maybe way too much. I don't have a problem with abstract, which is why I kept reading on. At first, I imagined the person/being that the narrator is addressing in this poem to be something more than human, especially when you write
I was kind of imagining a super-being or some personified idea. But towards the end we come to know that it was a woman. It would help if we knew this somewhere close to beginning of the poem. It would help us in picturing the imagery that you're using, and help us attach that imagery to this woman, and I think it would work better that way for the reader's imagination. But then, again, this is just a suggestion.
I don't see why you used 'taste' here, it was all the more confusing because we didn't know the nature of this 'sliver' that is being referred to. I guess you're talking about distance between two people here, or something along those lines. But still, what is the sensory significance of using 'taste' here?
I must also point out that there were some very beautiful expressions and impressing imagery. Some lines that I really liked were:
Overall, this is a good piece, I just wish it was less mysterious, so that I could appreciate it fully.
I hope I could help. Regards.
Au.
Wow. I absolutely love your metaphoric descriptions, as well as your continuing details! The type of writing that you chose was very appropriate, and your little word points before every paragraph. You write beautifully my dear, very professional and well thought! There is a decent amount of passion that doesn't make it too overwhelming, also with your word choice. Very powerful. I'd love to see more!
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kinds words and the time you took to read this.
You're very welcome.