My love’s appearance is a tall biker dude
rigid beard like the mountains
leather jacket decaying like a body
boots made to stomp hearts
My heart is a garden
Wanting to be touched on the weekends
Just outside our cottage
Beautiful and vivacious
My love is timeless
Like a wonder of the world
Folklores to match with the gods
It’d only make sense in another life
My love is myth
Sealed in a tomb
Sorry there is no gold
Just dust, old handprints from temporary visitors
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140,545 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Disclaimer: Take everything I say with a grain of salt. It's your story, not mine.
Why is it that mostly all of the freeverse poetry in this website comes in the form of one-line stanza poems?
I don't get it. Unnecessary use of one-liners often separates ideas that can be grouped together and can actually make it much harder to read and understand. I actually had to stop and group these ideas that were supposed to be together in order to continue reading smoothly.
I believe this is how you wanted to organize it:
My love's appearance is a tall biker dude
Rigid beard like the mountains
Leather jacket decaying like a body
Boots made to stomp hearts
My heart is a garden
Wanting to be touched on the weekends
Just outside our cottage
Beautiful and vivacious
My love is timeless
Like a wonder of the world
Folklores to match with the gods
It'd only make sense in another life
My love is a myth
Sealed in a tomb
Sorry, there is no gold
Just dust, old handprints from temporary visitors
Well, your first four lines talk about your love's (person) appearance, but then the rest talk about your love (abstract) and your heart. That's a part where it falls inconsistent. Also, please don't use slang like "tall biker dude" in the midst of beautiful prose. It just kills the good vibes.
Now to the positive side. I like the 5th-8th lines and the last four lines. No sarcasm. They're simply beautiful in terms of imagery and symbolism and tell a long, long story in just a few words. I think you should keep this up.
Overall, this poem is quite messy and unorganized, but there are some parts that do stand out, and boy do they stand out.
I spy someone stealing my disclaimer
It's a common phrase lol
I also use it in real life even before I got here hue
Yo, sorry to butt in, but I thought I'd comment on the formatting: it's not that writers don't want to put their poems in stanzas, but sometimes YWS formatting screws them over and doesn't keep it the way they had it. There is a way to fix it, but it's not super-commonly known. I don't know if that was the case with this poem, but since I've seen you make this comment in a few other reviews, I just want to point out that you could consider that before making generalizations about what "most" YWS poetry is like.
Still, harder to read.
yeah i have not been able to figure out how the format to match my word format, it never keeps it for me :/ even when i manually do it
Maybe copy-pasting from MS Word?
I've seen it work in some other sites, but not so sure about this one. It's worth a shot, though.
No, doesn't work. Try using "shift" and "enter" at the same time. Works for me.
Disclaimer: Take everything I say with a grain of salt. It's your story, not mine.
Why is it that mostly all of the freeverse poetry in this website comes in the form of one-line stanza poems?
I don't get it. Unnecessary use of one-liners often separates ideas that can be grouped together and can actually make it much harder to read and understand. I actually had to stop and group these ideas that were supposed to be together in order to continue reading smoothly.
I believe this is how you wanted to organize it:
My love's appearance is a tall biker dude
Rigid beard like the mountains
Leather jacket decaying like a body
Boots made to stomp hearts
My heart is a garden
Wanting to be touched on the weekends
Just outside our cottage
Beautiful and vivacious
My love is timeless
Like a wonder of the world
Folklores to match with the gods
It'd only make sense in another life
My love is a myth
Sealed in a tomb
Sorry, there is no gold
Just dust, old handprints from temporary visitors
Well, your first four lines talk about your love's (person) appearance, but then the rest talk about your love (abstract) and your heart. That's a part where it falls inconsistent. Also, please don't use slang like "tall biker dude" in the midst of beautiful prose. It just kills the good vibes.
Now to the positive side. I like the 5th-8th lines and the last four lines. No sarcasm. They're simply beautiful in terms of imagery and symbolism and tell a long, long story in just a few words. I think you should keep this up.
Overall, this poem is quite messy and unorganized, but there are some parts that do stand out, and boy do they stand out.
I actually can not say anything negative because I do not find anything wrong to say about this work of yours. Sorry that this review will be kind of useless in my own opinion because it does not help you improve your skills or correct the short story in any possible way. I would just like to say that this story is something really beautiful and even if I had no idea what was going on at the very beginning, it starts to make more sense to me after the first read of it.
I think punctuation is not a mistake here because it is more like a poetry not a novel so I will nt correct that.
I like your comparising of the beard and others after it in the following lines. Good work after a break.
Hope you keep on writing and have a good day/night.
Thank you so much!