Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
think: short, but sweet
think: nicotine is one hell of a drug, but have you felt your lips?
your eyes are the Trojan Horse
night is when the peace turns to war
let your aim be true
be the arrow that strikes me like Achilles
as I was doom to fall
on my knees, be my temple
you are fire like the holy sun
love, love, love
why are drugs all that we compare to?
she is a wave of the salty sea
every splash is a mere choke
her current pulling and pushing, not violent but dominant
you have no control nor will you ever
but you want to paddle your hands through those waves
Poseidon says no
isn’t this why people touch? for sometimes words are not enough.
I am always grabbing, she is always digging, and there is always something else missing.
one moment I am whole, the next I hear your voice and I am gone.
what is the point of anything but your mouth?
they expect better from us
but we are delinquent teens, fucking in cars and shoplifting love. sitting in the corners of abandoned, past lovers while sirens scream our names.
our love is like joint smoking hearts just to piss off our parents. curfews are meant to be broken but so are hearts. what do we really have to lose?
the way we love makes us criminals but it is not a movie: there is no way to be smart about it.
my heart was pure when I wished for you to stay, but I kind of like my hands dirtied with blood and evil, empty words. I’m not soft like the bruises of peaches. I want you trembling even in the spaces between seconds.
what do you call those intervals? only you would have an answer.
I heard what it means to be real when love and I shared the same barracks, when we hid along the same trenches in those deep collarbones of hers. to be real is when someone really loves you. not like a myth or a folklore, but like a memoir titled “Love Is Ghostly and You Are Haunting Me”. only then do you become real. and I've always wanted to be real.
//a.k.a//
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,783 Reviews
Hello, cheaperpoetry!
I think you mean "doomed"First things first, I think you've got a consistent formatting issue going on with something in your device because the first word of every line is on its own line again and I'm assuming you didn't want to do that. If you did, I'm not a big fan and I don't see a reason for it.
This is nice. I feel, though, that it's two different poems. The first one ends when "Poseidon says no." Then we're plunged into a kinda grungy modern type deal that I dig just as much as the first part but for different reasons. I love that it's honest and brutal and icky and great. That last stanza lost me a little, but it's a beautiful way to be lost.
I feel like the think lines are the prompts for the poem. Two prompts, one poem. If you want to make them more cohesive, think of them both as one and combine them. As it is, I think you might want to divide them with numerals because they are very different. Or even publish them as two different poems. There isn't really anything to connect the two parts, I feel.
I was going to say that everything feels like a warmup for the last bit, but I guess I'm wrong because every time I read it over I feel like it's important for all of those phrases to be there.
I think the biggest piece of criticism I have for this is that it's general. I don't get to know the poet or the narrator any better than they're young and in love but it's all skating over the top. I can feel that this is only the tip of the iceberg and I want more. This is a poem that could apply to just about any teenager. An anthem. Anthems are great, but as I'm reading more of your poetry, I'm beginning to realize that they're all anthems. I think what I'm trying to say is that you should put more of your gut into it. It's all very honest, yes, but that honesty is romanticized. It's up in a pink cloud. Just because the words are gritty doesn't mean it is gritty.
The last stanza is real and I can feel that. I want to be in that moment. Save your metaphors. Take that last stanza and expand it. Open up that memoir. Don't be general. Call them by name, even, if it helps.
But maybe that's your point? It starts as general as can be and narrows slowly, becoming more and more honest and open until you finally open up as a poet and let it go at the end. That's what I see, anyway.
Anyway, I'm always rambling about your poetry because I really like it and you're really good and I just want to see your beautiful soul <3
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting, and happy review day!
hey, im here to review.
I love how this starts out. It seems heartfelt and I love how it flows, but as it goes on, you begin to use imagery that has seemingly nothing to do with the start of the poem. I'm not sure if you really wanted the second half to relate to the first half, but either way, its a problem that needs to be fixed to me.
Other than that small nitpick I really think you can develop this more. I love the format, but I don't really think its necessary. I would love to see this as a short story. I think it would be a lot easier to connect the ideas you put down that seem lost in connections with the rest of the poem.
As for advice. Try messing around with imagery. Try to think of fancy, yet understandable ways to connect ideas. I stress understandable because if your reader doesn't understand what you're getting at, the poem is lost on them.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Great poem, i'd love to see more of your writing.
I got a bit confused right away, but then I saw it a little easier. I went in think this was about war, but its about several things. what they are im not sure exactly but I like it. its a straight forward poem and it covers a good topic even if you cant understand it. I glad to see this kind of stuff good job and keep working.