The Grimm: The End of Time
Chapter One: Rise of Grimm
Everyone thought that the end would be a natural disaster we were wrong. It came from the ground creachters born of the night we called them grimm.the first sighting was in 2018 in the year 2022 was the last stand off against the grimm but all are ferrets failed, after the caos great wall was built in japan it took 10 years to build the wall. My name is Menrow and I will be your instructor for the rest of the year here at beacon academy, I remember the wall being built it was about 400 feet high and as long as the island, ever scene the wall was built no grimm have attack us it has given us salvation from the demon outside our walls you are here to learn how to defeat the monster you are the second generation of hunters in that it is your duty to protect the wall from grimm tomorrow you will see your first grimm up close in the cell block five class get ready for tomorrow I said, The room was old and dusty and was very decrypted from years of neglect this place use to be the capital building now it's used as a military compound to train hunters, the hunters were put in place in 2024 to help the construction of the wall I was the one of the first hunters now I'm the teacher of the future hunters I just hope they don't have to face a war like what I went through I thought to myself,the door opened the head ambassador of the tokyo sector walk in lord ambassador what brings you here? I said he was a old man most likely in his 70s or so I have come to see the new recruits he said, well you just missed them you can see the recruits tomorrow during the grimm encounter test in cell block five okay earin I said, he look agitated thank you menrow, and don't call me earin! Aging understood menrow he said,the door slammed shut, I loved getting on his nerves.
No one in tokyo like the ambassador they say he just a another bad palletisation, I think otherwise oh it's time to go home already I said my home was like most home in town it was small and not very kept up outside but I kept the inside fairly nice no one in tokyo as money everyone uses tread and partnering goods, there was very little power in the city almost all the power grids were destroyed in the war., I opened the door, I lived alone in the two bedroom house near Tokyo main park I sat down at the table in the kitchen and ate some bread and butter and wrote my notes for the day :4-10-2040:class notes:I think the new students aren't ready for the test tomorrow and I have no idea of what earin as planned but I have a bad feeling about the visit from hem:end of notes:Menrow Rose: I closed the notebook and went to sleep.morning came how ever there was the smell of smoke in the air it looks like grimm's try to attack the wall and failed it was odd tho we haven't seen grimm at the wall in months strang,cellblock five was 10 miles away from the house it was a long journey to outskirt of town it was an old prison now used to study captured grimm’s. The students were already there,I have six students in the class, well class ready to see the grimm up close?I said yes Mr Menrow the class replied then let's go, here we are class cell 25,what type of grimm is it? the young student said it's a direwolf they are very dangers they hunt in packs they can easily take over a hunter I said there were two red glowing eyes in the cell, the grimm come in many different spices but all have pitch black skin or black fur and white scells on their shoulders with red lines on them and red glowing eyes I said, a loud growl came from the cell the students gapst don't worry class it can't hurt you I said, the main entrance door opens Mr ambassador you made it here is the class,class this is Earin shenid head ambassador for tokyo I said proudly thank you Menrow for the interdiction, I hope your training is going well students? yes every well Mr ambassador the class replied that all I need Menrow have a good day he said leaving the cell block class dismissed I said everyone left but one student crow it’s time to go no answer “crow what are you doingt? coming just a moment he replied, crow has always been the odd one out of the class and always been curious about grimm to curious for his own good but he was the youngest in the class hes was only 13 years old at beacon, we left the compound and I went home for the night.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey there!
As Snazzy and Sam both mentioned, the grammatical and spelling errors were a little distracting throughout; you have a very intriguing concept for a story, though!
"creachters" should be "creatures".
"caos" should be "chaos".
In the first section, which part is Menrow's dialogue? Where does that end and where do his thoughts begin? Because his introducing himself sounds much like he's addressing a class, but then this happens:
As a rule, every time a character speaks, their words should be enclosed in quotation marks (""). This will greatly improve the readability of your story.
"spices" should be "species".
Keep on writing!
thanks payne
Hello!
Good morning/afternoon/evening! Snazzy here for a review!
As Samk642 already mentioned, the biggest mistake was grammar. Since it wasn't just in a couple of spots, I'm going to assume that it wasn't just a little typo here and there. By having grammar as the biggest mistake, it can be terribly hard to read and enjoy (even if your plot is amazing!). Anyway, I'll do my best to help you with it!
1. Run-on Sentences
This is an example of a run-on sentence. A run-on sentence is, simply put, two or more independent clauses are crammed into one long sentence without proper punctuation. Here is how this should be written:
"It came from the ground; creatures born of the night. We called them Grimm . The first sighting was in 2018. In the year of 2021, we took our last stand against the Grimm, but all our ferrets failed. After chaos, the great wall was built in Japan; it took ten years to build the wall."
Even then, it's not perfect, but better. The thing that helps me the most when trying to find run-on sentences, is to read through the sentence out loud, only breathing at your punctuation. If you run out of breath, or almost do, it's probably a run-on!
2. Not Enough Information:
It's okay to have a little suspense in your story, but right now I am utterly confused. Your introduction was so quick, I had a hard time catching what was going on. Then, you "time-jumped" back to the present, which made me even more confused. If I were you, I would maybe have an entire chapter dedicated to the intro. Tell about what happened with the Grimm, the wall of Japan, and how the hunters (the third generation, that is) were going to keep the Grimm out.
Then I think you can start with the actually story. Also, you went through two entire days in one chapter! That's really quick, even for a novel! I think you could elaborate more on each day. Tell us more about the ambassador. What does he do? Tell us more about the class! Are they eager, or is there one person in the class who always goofs around and messes up? I know as a reader myself, I would sure like to know!
3. Paragraphs:
Any time a new person speaks, a new paragraph should be inserted. Also, whenever you have a different idea or point (such as a different day), a new paragraph should begin. Right now, this entire thing is just 2 really long paragraphs, which makes it even harder to read, understand, and enjoy.
Anyway, that's pretty much it! It's probably a good idea, it's just hard to tell because of the way you wrote it! Good luck with this, and keep writing!!
~Snazzy
Happy RevMo!
i just did the reedit so pls read it aging thanks for tips and for the review
I've read my share of RWBY fanfiction but I love your take on it. I'm glad to see you put your own spin on it. Just so you know in the show they spell crow qrow but maybe that wasn't your intention. I look forward to your work in the future.
this is RWBY fan fiction, and what I'm going for is telling the story long before
RWBY story time line how grimm came to be and i haven't got to the funest
side of the story yet that will be in chapter2 and thanks for the review
also this is a defernt crow not the one from the show
just did a reedit
Hey buddy, Samk642, popping in to leave a quick review
I have something to say real quick before getting to picky, nice job!!
So, my biggest critique for this is, this... GRAMMAR!!!! I'm not the greatest at it, but horrible punctuation through out the entire chapter. When you write, every time you have a different character speak, you make a new paragraph, not all one chunk, also you don't keep much continuity with location.
Another HUGE thing I spotted is this, you say the world ended in 2021, but it took 10 years to build the wall? If the grimms starting terrorizing in 2018, then how does that work? My calculator says it won't.
Now I am not trying to be mean and do have some things that I love about it.
What are the grimms? Seriously, they appear to be animals with weird coloration, so what can they do? Eye lasers!? Mind control!? Teleport using shadows!? Gorija atom breath!?!?!?!?!?
I like menrow and how he is like a fun loving grandpa who loves practical jokes!! Atleast that's the vibe I get, but maybe some description on what he looks like?
BUT, overall I really like this story so far
thank for the honesty okay first off Grimm are a race of mutant animals
that are very lager that cant be stop,and Menrow you are getting the right idea of his personalty and yes i do have horrible punctuation
and ill try to fix that and i need to fix the years as well i did the math wrong,note this dos need a little work whit the punctuation but any thanks for the review samk
No problem, believe it or not, I have grammar problems all the time with my work.
plus this is not finalized yet like the punctuation being in the wrong place
and so fores also this is a fan fiction of the show RWBY mix whit the show black bullet-er
just did a reedit
longest story i have ever made