z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

The Grimm: The end of time

by captainearth


Chapter One: Rise of Grimm

Everyone thought that the end would be a natural disaster like global warming, but this was not the case. It came from the ground creatures born of the night and pure darkness--we called them the Grimm. The first sighting was in 2018; they came in the millions after the first five months the UN was defeated. By the year 2022, all armies of the world gathered for one last stand against the Grimm, but they were quickly cut down by the vast number of Grimm. After the chaos of Grim war, a plan was put in place to stop them from attacking ever again. Then a second plan was put in place, four kingdoms with great walls built around them. The first wall was built in Japan; it took 10 years to build. Another in Australia put in that still under construction like the other two in Russia and North America, but there is still chaos across the world.

“My name is Monrow and I will be your instructor for the rest of the year here at Beacon Academy, I remember the wall being built it was 200 feet high and as long as the Island of Japan, ever since the wall was built no Grimm have attacked us, it has given us salvation from the demon outside our walls, you are here to learn how to defeat these monsters, you are the third generation of hunters, in that it is your sworn duty to protect the wall from Grimm's, Tomorrow you will see your first Grimm up close. We will be going to cellblock five, class get ready for tomorrow.” I said. The room was old and dusty and was decrypted from years of neglect, this place used to be the capital building before the war now it's used as a military compound to train hunters the last hope for humanity. The hunters were put in place in 2024 to help the construction of the wall but we were around long before the grim war, I was one of the first huntsmans, now I'm the teacher of the future hunters at the academy, I just hope my class don't have to face a war as what I went through, I thought to myself.

The door opened and the Ambassador of the Tokyo sector walk into the room “Ambassador, what brings you here?” I said. He was an old man most likely in his 70s or so, “I have come to see the new recruits” he said, “You just missed them you can see the students tomorrow during the Grimm our trip to cell block five, okay Earin.” I said, he looks agitated “Thank you Monrow, and don't call me Erin Aging! understood Monrow” he said, as he slammed the door shut, I loved getting on his nerves.

No one in Tokyo like the ambassador they say he just another bad politician like the rest, I think otherwise, he was a good man but he did hold some underhanded dealings in the city “Oh it's time to go home already.” I said to myself. My home was like most homes in the city it was small and not very kept up outside but I kept the inside fairly nice. There was very little power in the city almost all the power grids were destroyed in the war but in recent years we have started to rebuild power station around the island. I opened the door, I lived alone in the two-bedroom house near center of Tokyo I sat down at the table in the kitchen and ate some bread and butter and wrote my notes for the day :4-10-2040: Class notes: I think the new students aren't ready for tomorrow and I have no idea of what Earin as planned but I have a bad feeling about the visit from him to tomorrow, but likely I'm just looking to deep into it. : End of notes: David Monrow: I closed the notebook and went to sleep.

Morning came, however, there was the smell of smoke was in the air, it looks like Grimm's attack the wall, it was odd tho we haven't seen Grimm at the wall in months, “strang I wonder why” I said to myself. Cellblock five was ten miles away from my house, it was a long journey to the outskirt of town it was an old prison now used to study captured Grimms. The students were already there, I have six students in the class of 2042.

“Well class ready to see the Grimm up close?” I said, “Yes Mr. Menrow.” The class replied, “Then let's go, here we are class cell 25.” As I walk towards the cell ”What type of Grimm is it?” the young student said, “It's a Direwolf, they are very dangers they hunt in packs and they can easily take over a hunter in battle.” I said there were two red glowing eyes in the cell, “The Grimm come in many different spices but all have pitch black skin or black fur and white scales on their shoulders and body with red lines on them and red glowing eyes.” I said aloud growl came from the cell the student's gaps “Don't worry class it can't hurt you it can't break the cell door.” I said The main entrance door opens “Mr ambassador you made it, here is the class. Class this is Erin Schnee Ambassador to Tokyo.” I said proudly “Thank you, Monrow, for the interdiction, I hope your training is going well students?” “Yes, every well Mr ambassador“ the class replied, “That all I need Monrow have a good day.” He said leaving the cell block.

“Class dismissed.” I said everyone left but one student “Crow it’s time to go.” no answer “Crow what are you doing?” I said “Coming, just a moment.” He replied. Crow has always been the odd one out of the class and always been curious about Grimm's too curious for his own good, but he was the youngest in the class he was only 13 years old at beacon the average enrollment age is 17, but I pick him he had talents that no other student had, I felt he was special and has what it takes to be a hunter and the courage as well. We left the compound, and I went home for the night.

Chapter two: A new day

I always wonder what Monrow saw in me to make me a huntsman, his green eyes always look so depressed and he's black hair starting to turn gray, he looks like he was in his 40s or 50s it was hard to say. I lived on the outskirts of Tokyo near the wall, as bad as it is for the people of Upper District we lived in the worst part of town also know as Lower District, no one from the lower district went to Beacon to be a hunter I was handpicked by Monrow to become a huntsman.

I heard a knock on my door “Crow it’s time for school.” “Coming mother,” I replied

Beacon was a long way from the downtown, 6 miles from my house the roads where stone and pavement from years of repatching them and walking past the old market as the shopkeepers set up their stalls. I provide at beacon moments later, “Hey rookie, how's beacon for ya?” he said, “Fine, why you ask Marko?” I replied, “Because you're from the downtown, no one from downtown goes to Beacon, so what makes you so special?” He said with an aggravating tone in his voice “Nothing all I did was train hard unlike you Marko, you're here because your family is rich and your father is in politics!” I said with a smirk on my face *wham* I woke up in the nurse office not knowing how long I was out “What happened miss clover?” I said, “You were hit by Marko Draco, why did he hit you crow?” Clover replied, “He insulted me so I insulted him back.” I said, “There nothing to be ashamed of living in Lower District I lived there for many years before coming here but you are the first hunter from there so they're just jealous of you.” She said with a smile on her face “I think he's an overall jerk to everyone, but anyways thanks miss Clover I'll be going now.” I said leaving the room “You're welcome Crow have a nice day.” She said

“You're late Crow,” Monrow said with a stern tone in his voice “Sorry Mr. Monrow, I ran into some trouble earlier,” I said, “If we are all here let's get started class, what are the three class of hunters?” Monrow asked the class Crow raised his hand “Yes Crow,” Morrow said, “The three class are, archer, lancer, saber.” I said “Very good crow but this is a trick question there are six class, not three now crow what are the other three called?” he ask Crow paused for a moment to think “Mage, Gunslinger, and Rouge” I said “Very good Crow” he said monrow was about to speak when he was interrupted by a student “Wait for Mr. Menrow mage what are you talking about isn't that just mythology?” she said “I’m sorry Jasmin is it, you are the new student if I'm not mistaking?” he asks “Yes, but why does that matter?” Jasmin said in confusion “After school comes see me I will fill you in on what you have missed in the last two weeks.” Jasmin was from the uptown district, she had golden hair and red eyes I think she was about 16 or so years old. Personally, I don't understand what mages are but I was going to be a Saber so it was on bother of mine about magic, it was myth and legend to me. School let out later that day. “Have a good day Mr. Monrow?” I said “You to Crow,” he said.

Jasmin came in later and went to the classroom to talk to Mr. Monrow she enters the room and took a seat moment later Monrow arrived “Okay, Jasmin do you know what magic is?” I said “Yes of course I do, like in the story,” she said, “Magic is real Jasmin why do you think that the Grimm stay away from the wall?” “I don't know why?” “A protection spell was put on that wall to protect us from the Grimm back when it was built” I said “Then why do we need hunters if the wall has a protective shield on it?” she said “Just in case the wall fails so we have a backup plan hunters are the last line of defence, which is coming very soon” I said “But about magic?” she said “Want me to show you?” “yes!” she replied Monrow started speaking in a foreign language fire started coming out of his hands “how can this be?” she said “Magic” Monrow said sarcastically “That Jasmin is just a small demonstration of magic, very few know how to use magic anymore” I said “Well Mr. Monrow can you teach me how to be a mage” she said with inspired tone in her voice “Very well then I will teach you, Jasmin, it’s been along time since last time I had an apprentice” I said “Thank you Monrow” she said leaving the classroom. I left the room down the hall was Earin “What are you doing here?” I said “I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Jasmin a second ago, I told you to put your days of being a mage behind you Monrow” “I can't leave it behind me Erin magic must live on I’m one of last, I will train Jasmin whether you like it or not understood Earin” “Then you better not fail me Monrow like you have before with Ventress” he left the hall. What am I going to do? I thought to myself.

The way home was long with there being so much on my mind when I went home, I like to go to the market to pick up bread and other foods and goods,”What will it be today Monrow” the shopkeeper said “I need two loaves of bread and one stick of butter and green beans” “Alright Mr. Monrow here you go, by the way how's the teaching going at the academy?” the shopkeeper said “Ok I guess the ambassador keep coming around more than the usual” I said frustratedly “That too bad you know he has always given me the creeps” she said “He has something planned something big and it as to do with the student, at least I think” “very odd very odd indeed” she said “Well it's getting latesee ya later Miss magret” I said leaving the market, got back to my house and went to bed.

Today was the students day off from the academy,”Crow where are we going?” Jasmin said “Hold on we're almost there Jasmin” Crow said they were by the wall and they stop at a ladder going up the great wall it had a old rusty cafe around it to protect people from falling off, we started to climb it was higher than we expected “We're almost to the top Jasmin” “This is way up here Crow!” she said frightened by how high we were “We made it, look at the view from up here Jasmin.” I said “This is crazy Crow.” She said with a frighten sound in her voice “Don't worry Jasmin you won't fall.” “Yeah but I'm afraid of height.” “Look at how many Grimm there are it's amazing isn't it Jasmin” “Yeah it is, look at that one it looks like an elephant but it’s a Grimm” Jasmin said “What did Monrow want to talk to you about?” he said “He was explaining what magic and mages are that all” Jasmin replied “Oh I see,” “Hey you kids! what are you doing up here!” the wall guard yield “We were just leaving” we said he was a middle age man in the usual standard uniform for a wall guard, he walk up to us with a stern face “If I see you up here aging there will be consequences understood children!” he said “Yes sir.” We replied “That was close Crow.” Jasmin said “Yeah but it was fun right” Crow said “Yeah it was, I need to get back home see you later Crow.” Jasmin said walking away from the wall “bye Jasmin.” Crow said I have always know i was different then all the other hunters I had a secret I was infected with some kind of mutation, what I first notice was i could see in the dark like a dog or a cat but why? what is wrong with me, before I was born there was a sickness that went through Tokyo I know it as to do with it somehow, every day I thought about this, but I always go back to why. ”Crow it's time for lunch” Miss Crow said “coming mother” “what for lunch?” I said “it's rice and beef” “where did you get the beef?” I said in shock meat was very pricey “Mr. Monrow dropped them off, but I have no idea why” she said “Monrow? that odd” I said confused on why he would give us food “I don't know why crow but god bless his soul for his gift, your father will be home let aging the wall need some reapers on the west side of the wall by the cell blocks” “okay.” I finished building my weapon, every student as to make their own weapon, it as taking me months to build it, it's a spear about seven feet long the head is made out of black steel and the handle is made out of iron, it is painted red and black lines Spiering down it, it was my masterpiece, “It's time to go crow” he said “See you tonight mom and dad” I said leaving the house. I and Jasmin like to walk to the academy together, ”There something wrong” I said, “What is it, Crow?” “Look there are police at the academy,” “Officer what happened?” I said “There no school today go home this is a police investigation,” the officer said “Jasmin something is very wrong here” “I know but what can we do?” “Follow me” I replied “There a back way in up here” it was a ventilation hatch “This will take us to Monrow office” I said we got to the office “There no one in here” I said climbing down the office was big and look very old there were a lot of weapons of all kinds on the wall, the wall was a dark green color with stained trim board. “Let's go Jasmin” opening the door “Is the hallway clear Crow?” said in worry of being caught by the guards “Yeah it’s clear.” At the end of the hall as we look around the corner we saw Erin and Monrow talking, “You will regret ever teaching her how to use magic, now look at what has happened he is dead and it's your fault Monrow!” he said furiously “It was not my fault nor was it her someone less in the school know how to use magic pls listen to me!” Monrow said with little hope. “What is going on and ohs dead?” I said whispering to Jasmin “I don't know” “Sheriff you can go now, I will take care of everything less” Erin said “Very well ambassador.” “Good day, Monrow!” as he slammed the door shut, “What am I going to do,” Monrow said to himself “Monrow what happened?” Jasmin said entering the hall “How did you get in?” “Crow got me in here” “This is not a good day you should leave now Jasmin” “Who died?” “It was Marko Draco that died” “What how did he died?” we never thought the first death in the academy would be him “He was killed by some kind of magic” “But you're the only one that knows how to use magic” “That what I thought too, but now I guess I'm not the only one” “We're going to go now Monrow.” “Goodbye children.” Monrow sat down in his office “where did I go wrong.” Remembering back to the great war what if one mage survived the war why would he or she attack the academy? There was only one that would attack us, but no she died in the war it cannot be, as I look back on my notes from when i was in the war, if there was a chance she was alive this would be very bad. As I turn on the TV I put in a disk of the war documents it said on the disk :3-25-2022:northern wall section file one; it started to play. Like a bad dream it all came back to me the war and all that happened. “We can't hold the Grimm forever!, how long till the wall is finished in this sector captain Monrow?” the soldier said “It will take two more weeks before we can move on to the next sector” I replied, it was raining just has it had been for week now everyone was exhausted from the weeks of fighting Grimms. But the Grimm was different then all the rest I have encountered they somehow used advanced strategy to attack. Everyone in my unit our mages and other class of warriors we were the last order of mages the order of the Phoenix. But one used dark magic far too often her name was Ventres she had black hair and purple eyes, somehow I think she had something to do with the attack on the wall but how. One night I followed her into the woods, the woods were dark the only light was from the moonlight glistening down from the trees I followed her for hour or so, before she stop the Grimms started to surround her but they all stop, she started to speak in ancient Nord language and all the Grimm started to lower their heads to her and started heading for the wall, I started running back to camp I got back “Everyone incoming Grimm!” I said out of breath from running, we all grabbed our weapons and got information “Monrow how did you know they were coming?”second captain mark said “We have been betrayed by Ventres she has been using black magic to bring the Grimm to attack the wall” “I knew it” he replied a flash of light came from the sky “What is that Monrow” he said “I don't know what it is” the light landed it was ventres “Hunters you have two choices, one join me and rule the world as my followers two if you don't I will kill you, take your pick” she said with a grin on her face “You're crazy ventres you are outnumbered even with your Grimm and you and the first rogue mage I have dealt with nowhere your choices surrender or die” I said firmly standing my ground “Very well you have chosen death how predictable, then so be it such a shame to see such talent die” she said, Grimm started to come out of the tree line “attack!!!!” We all said. All we could hear was the clashing of are weapons I kept trying to attack ventures there were too many Grimms in my way.

the Grimm: chapter 3: the fire returns

Flashes of fire lite up the early morning sky, the Grimm's number lowered as we clashed are swords against them, the air had the smell of blood, and the ground stained red both of man and Grimm blood. “Give up ventures you have lost this battle” “It is you that as lost Monrow” “But I have the high ground now” then a loud screech came from the sky “Its, it's, it's a dragon that can't be!” I said in disbelief “so one last time surrenders or die” “Never!” “Well, in that case, hope you like fire,” Ventres said laughing. Fire rain down from the sky, “Take cover!” I said running, I hid behind some boulders, I attack one last time at Ventres I raised my sword and ran as fast as I could both are swords clashed, we jump on the wall she kept going higher up the unfinished wall, then we were at the top “This is the end of line Venters” “No, there is something coming when it comes the world will belong to Grimm at last.” we fought back and forth with than with one blow to her chest I stroke her down and fell off the wall into the trees below “Now how can I stop that dragon.” we had never face a Grimm dragon or a dragon of any kind we thought they were hunted to extinction 1,000 years ago “Try to use ice magic on him, bring him down to the sword men below!” the dragon fell to the ground with a loud thud that shook the ground “victory!” we all said in joy that the attack on the wall would be not has often whit the venters dead. I never look for the body of venters, for no one could survive that fall or attack, the wall was finished many years later. I woke up in my office in the academy all I could think about was the student that died I felt that I could have stopped this crime, I was the one that found him dead in the hall he looks like he was mummified Ventres was the only mage with that ability or knowledge of that kind of black magic, I'll have to go back to the place we fought the battle against ventures and look for clues about the murder but it may be too late the trees have overgrown that section. It would be a two-day journey to that part of the wall. I would need help but who? I thought to myself maybe Crow or Jasmin will come whit me. I knock on the door to crow house “Miss Ironwood is Crow home” “Why yes, oh you must be MR Monrow is teacher at the academy, won't you come in” she said very politely “Yes I can stay for a little bit thank you” “Hello Monrow what bring you here?” said crows father “Mr ironwood it's nice to meet you” shaking his hand, “What are you doing here?” crow said entering the room “I have come to ask you something very important in solving the Marko murder and finding the rogue hunter” “How can I help?” “It will take us about a few days to find what we need if that is okay with your parents?” “well, it's up to you Crow if you want to go” “Well sound like we got a quest Monrow” “Well then meet me tomorrow at the academy around noon or so, thank you miss Ironwood Mr ironwood for your hospitality.” I got back to my house I went to the phone to call Jasmin to see if I could get more recruits for this mission. It was a rotary phone with there being little electricity we had to go back to rotary phones do so they did not require much electricity. ”Hello Jasmin I'm looking for help on a quest to find out what happened to Marko, it will take a few days to get what we need are you in or out?” I said “sound like fun I'm in,” she said “okay meet me and crow tomorrow at the academy,” I said “okay see you then” she replied I hung up the phone and got ready for tomorrow's adventure. That morning we all got to the academy got in the vehicle, it would be a one day journey to the far north wall, we stop in the bombed out city of Sendai it was the halfway point to get to Aomori the city next to the far north wall where we need to be. Along the way we saw the farms and ranches of the area were almost all the food came from for the capital city, we arrive at Aomori around 9:00 pm “where here let's go to the inn for the night” I said exhausted from driving “okay Monrow” they replied, the room had three beds it looks like a very old building. “Monrow?” they said “Yes what is it” I replied “What are the origins of the Grimms” they said “Well it's a very long story but I guess I can tell you, the Grimms have always been here Grimm are remnants of the past that die a long time ago and now they have been awakened from their graves, the order of the hunters was founded in the year 350 AD almost 2,000 years ago, the book Grimm fairy tales is based on true events and over the years the story became legend then just a book not knowing of the dark secrets it holds, so long story short the Grimm are demons of the past to take revenge on mankind well on the hunters in this case” I said “Why was there no warning wouldn't the hunters know they were coming?” they said “Well no knows one knows where they exactly came from or what awakened them so there was no warning” I replied “I see how many orders where there?” Jasmin ask “well there five or so but only three remain the first one is the archmages the second is the hunters the third the order of the Phoenix are the orders that are left. Also no more questions we need to sleep, okay” I said “okay Monrow” they replied. Back in Tokyo “Monrow is getting to close to the truth of our plan and he is training Jasmin to be a mage! what should we do my lord?” Erin said “if she is a mage then I will kill her along with Monrow we will say it was a freak Grimm attack,” the dark figure in the back of the office said, “I see, sound like a plan Lord Pathagen.” Erin replied to the cloak women step out of the shadows and left the room “sorry old friend but you brought this upon yourself” Erin said to himself. It took us two hours to arrive at the northern gate there are two gates one in west one in the north, the gate was quarter of the size of the wall, it was made out of iron,the gate opened the outside of the wall was very overgrown with plants and trees vines strung up the wall but there were no Grimms in site, “this is good the Grimms are migrating south,so we shouldn't have any interruptions from Grimm's while we investigate” I said “how do you know if there any evidence left?” crow said “I don’t but I have a feeling the answer we need are here” I replied “what type of clues are we looking for?” Jasmin ask “anything that looks out of the ordinary or something with ancient symbols on it” I said I felt like the forest was watching us it sent chills down my spine, we look for an hour or so, there seem to be nothing out here I thought to my shelf and then I saw something shining in the woods it’s a crystal of some kind I touched it and everything went black.

The Grimm: chapter 4: Dust in the wind

I woke up gasping for air in a panic I slowly calmed my nerves, “Where am I?” thinking to myself. The room was very rustic looking and had a chest at the end of the bed and a table with a stool. The sun was just coming through the window in the room. My head still hurt from whatever happened after I touched the crystal in the woods. Then Crow walked in, “Where am I, Crow?” I asked.

“After you blacked out we took you back to town to the doctor's house. Somehow you were put into a deep sleep for a short period of time,” he replied. I tried to get up and walk around but I was too weak to walk.

“How long have I been out, Crow?” I said.

“It has been about two days, me and Jasmin are still looking for clues but sadly we have found nothing,” he said in disappointment.

“Don’t feel bad Crow at least you tried to find something. By the way, where you found me was there a crystal on the ground?” I asked.

“Yes, there was, I thought it looked out of place. What is it, Monrow?” he asked.

“I’m not sure but I think it was the reason I blacked out. Well, we need to go find that crystal again and take it back to my lab for further research.” I said.

“Let's go,” he replied. We looked and looked through the thickets of trees then I suddenly stopped.

“There it is!” I said, walking to the crystal we took a larger piece of the gemstone as we made our way back we all stop in our tracks there were Grimms all around the gate we dock down in the tree line “why are all the Grimms back?” she said in worry “I'm not sure but it looks like they have been drawn here by something” I replied “what are we going to do” crow said “we are going to fight off the demons” he said leaving the tree line he didn't draw his sword but instead just stayed walking “what are you doing Monrow!” we shouted at him “don’t worry I know what I'm doing just watch” he said fire started coming out of his hands all the Grimms raged towards him, a bright flash lite up everything I went blind for a second all the Grimm body parts littered the ground, when a Grimm dies the body turns to ash,I watch has the ash went up into the sky like leafs in the wind “that was amazing” he said “very, that was the full use of magic the very light in the darkness that the Grimm wish to destroy” I said we got past the gate and started our way back to Tokyo. “How could this have happened Earin you said you would take care of them I in truth you with one thing and you mess it up now they have found something they were not posted to find!” she said I had never seen her so mad before “it will be okay I will take care of this lord ventres I will fix my mistake all I need is one more chance” I said in fear of what she might do to me she stepped out of the shadows “fine I'll give you one last chance don't mess it up got it” as she left the room I sat down, I was so frustrated “what am I going to do” I said to my shelf a few hours past,than Monrow Jasmin and crow walk into my office “not right now Monrow I'm having a bad day come back later” I said to them “please we must speak with you on what we have found at the gate” they said whit regent tone in there voice “well make it quick, what do you have to show me?” I replied “well we found a rather odd crystal in the woods and seem to have magical properties, I would like to send more expeditions to the northern gate to find more of the rear crystals” Monrow said earin sat there for a moment and said “you need to stop looking where you shouldn't Monrow or less more lives are in danger here in Tokyo there are forces in this town you don't even know about so forget about this crystal and go back to the academy where you belong! do you understand me Monrow?” he said very anger at Monrow “I see very well if that what you wish ambassador thank you for your time” he said leaving the room we walk outside “there is something wrong with the ambassador he has never acted like this before I think for our own safety to stop the research we found until I figure out what is going on, so thank you for your help see you tomorrow” I said the kids walk back to their homes but I couldn't go home until I find out what is going on in this town.

I stood in the dark alleyway in the downtown district a man in a black trenchcoat walk out of the shadows he walks with a slight limp on his right foot “well Monrow what brings you downtown Mr. Monrow?” he asks in a soft voice “I’m looking for answer about the ambassador whereabouts there is something big going down at the academy” I said, the man walk around for a moment and said “hmm, I saw the ambassador last week he was talking to a lady she had very dark hair and purple eyes they walk to the hotel the one by McArthur street I don't know what it was about hope this helps you Monrow” he said “well thank you for your time Jeff until next time” I said leaving the alley, even with the new information it would be hard to track down the huntress it such a big city but if I was trying to stay out of site i would go down in tunnels under the city sound like a good place to start I said to myself, the tunnels were dark and musty with the smell of moodle in the air, it used to be the old subway system I walk around for an hour or so I said to myself “useless there noting down here but rats and mice!” I was very frustrated I felt like I let myself down, I sat down exhausted from walking for god knows how long I took out my wallet there was a picture of a women it had her name at the bottom Samantha rose the one misfortune of the war the one death I will never forget the death of my wife. There was a weird smell in the air like crude oil burning I traced the smell to a dead end “nothing here where is that smell coming from?” I said to myself I started to hear a sound from the other side of the brick wall, it must be false wall of some kind, I could feel cold air coming through the cracks of wall, the tunnel was in an arch shape I found a pipe on the ground and hit wall till it broke open “I hope no one heard me.” I said to myself. Their where light along the side of circular tunnel flickering on and off almost in a sync like pattern, I walk for about a few minutes before there was a turn to the left there was a metal door at the end of the turn it was lock, I took a lock pick to door and I slowly open the door the room was like a warehouse in size but had boxes of weapons of both hunters and military grade, “Why are all these weapons here this must be what Earin is hiding, he must be planning some kind of revolt against the high leaders of Japan.” I said in disbelief of what I was seeing there was another type of crate I look through the small hole in a big metal crate I jump back “My god these crates have Grimm in them, I must get back to surfaces to talk to the high leader about my findings admittedly.” I ran out of tunnel I saw the door in front of me opening I duck for some crates three guards in mask walk by I snuck by and got out of tunnel system and stop I was out breath from running “who were the people in white mask they look like they were to represent the Grimm in some way but why?” I said in confusion, It was night so there was no going to the capital this late. Morning came and I went straight to capital building, there was meeting today with leaders of the north and south sectors of Japan to debate trade with the Americas this would be the time to announce the discoveries I have made in tunnels, as I approach the building I saw Erin “Monrow how are doing this morning?” he said with a optimistic tone in his voice “Good nice day isn't it.” I replied “So you must be here for the meeting?” he said, “Yes it's going to be the biggest meeting in a very long time, but I must get going or I'll miss good day ambassador.” I said entering the building “see you around Monrow” Earin said walking away. I enter the meeting room of building the two leaders were at opposite ends of table discussing politics “Uhm excuse me sir if I could spear a moment of your time I have found out a plot against Japan.” I said “Please sit down Monrow, what have you found?” they ask “I have found a warehouse in the tunnels underneath the city, the crates contain military grade weapons and giant containers of Grimm's I believe that head Ambassador Earin Schnee is behind this, this could be the beginning of a revolt to take power into his own hands.” I said they said nothing they stood up from their chairs and look at each other and said “Monrow if what you say is true then we must act keep this information to yourself for time being, we will send police to get Earin to interrogate him also we need the locations of this warehouse for police to shut down whatever is going on in this town.” the other leader spoke “we must be covert about what we are doing we are trying to bring the other surviving nations together if we can make a treaty with the Americas then there is hope for future of our people Monrow so please be careful on who you tell about this information.” they sat down “Thank you for your time leaders, I will go to police and give them the needed information.” I said as I respectfully left the room. Morning came that night i went to police and today he would be put on trial for crimes against the nation, I knew this was danger claiming a head official of nation as a trader was not going to end well but i have no choice. “It’s now or never.” I thought to myself.

The police carefully surrounded Earns house, located near the capitol building. The chief of police knock on the door “Mr ambassador, this is chief of police Margus Shane open the door please or we will be forced to knock it down.” the chief said, no answer than a women walk out of shadows of some nearby trees, “You there, halt this is a police investigation please get back Ma'am.” One Forcier said, “Oh, in that case, I’m part of this investigation.” she said as a dark light came out of her hand and the officer drops dead. “Earin it’s time to go the police are here.” she said “Yes Lord Pathogen,” Earin said they ran to a car and drove off, the body was found moments later the body was the same as body found in beacon academy. “This is most disturbing I want forensic to find out what happens to this officer now, rest of you search the city for ambassador Earin understood.” The police chief said “Yes sir understood.” the officer walk off to their cars to being the search. I wonder if Erin and strange women would come to kill me next due to I ruined their plans to take over the city and possible what left of the world, at any rate, the two must be stopped at any costs necessary.


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Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:14 am
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hey!

First off, sincere congratulations on writing so much! However, this length and format is what’s driving away readers, sadly. If you don’t have time to edit this fully, I’d recommend you at least ran this through a word processor or even try to find someone to at least cut those huge chunks of text into readable paragraphs. For anything, especially stories, a smooth style of writing is the way to go.

So, getting into the actual story, this seems interesting. I like the idea you’ve going on here - dystopian world set in basically modern times - decent enough beginning to a story, I’d say. This opening definitely made me interested in what was now happening in such a crazy world; I’ve always liked knowing how people operates on a day-to-day basis in very unique circumstances.

From the start, however, I am seeing a couple of issues I have with this story. Although I see that you attempted to add a little more backstory by introducing it in Monrow’s speech, it fell flat for me, since he spoke in such a stilted way, not helped by the way it was accompanied by not enough punctuation. Things like really long paragraphs, especially those of speech, can turn away potential readers, as they are geared to fear large chunks of text. It’s viewed as chaotic and overwhelming.

I definitely agree with the past reviewer that you do a good job describing the setting. Even with the paragraphs not broken up, you can kind of maintain your place in the story by finding the context clues. However, that quickly becomes an unwanted action and could also turn away readers.

Overall, I like the premise and the setting with all of the tunnels and such. The characters seem alright; you seemed to change up the name “Erin” with “Earin” a couple of times which confuses me, but I think I followed them decently. The most important thing for you to work on right now is to edit this and make it easier to read, not just for the readers, but also for your own sake. Formatting and dividing paragraphs will definitely be of aid for yourself in the future.

I hope this helped!

Perks




captainearth says...


thank you. and yes it is long and I'm planning to just post one chapter at a time. and I did change the names throughout the story and I knew I may have missed a few also the story needs a ton of help and I did have it in paragraphs in my doc but when I put in YWS they where gone but I will fix that in my next edit and the intro I think I might change some stuff to make it better.



keystrings says...


The paragraphs might have not stayed because you have to format with code. Good luck!



captainearth says...


thank.



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Mon Dec 18, 2017 4:08 pm
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Hello there, it's writerkitty, here with a review for you.
It's been a while since I last reviewed something, so it might be kinda rusty.

First of all, let me point out that this is super lengthy. After reading this I realized that you've posted a few chapters at once and that's not a bad thing, but I think it's best if you posted one chapter at I time. It makes it easier for the readers to grasp all the details bit by bit and also a good way to get more reviews.

Next off, think it'd be better if you break the paragraphs near dialogue and when moving into another situation.

For example,

“There it is!” I said, walking to the crystal we took a larger piece of the gemstone as we made our way back we all stop in our tracks there were Grimms all around the gate we dock down in the tree line “why are all the Grimms back?” she said in worry “I'm not sure but it looks like they have been drawn here by something” I replied “what are we going to do” crow said “we are going to fight off the demons” he said leaving the tree line he didn't draw his sword but instead just stayed walking “what are you doing Monrow!” we shouted at him “don’t worry I know what I'm doing just watch” he said fire started coming out of his hands all the Grimms raged towards him, a bright flash lite up everything I went blind for a second all the Grimm body parts littered the ground, when a Grimm dies the body turns to ash,I watch has the ash went up into the sky like leafs in the wind “that was amazing” he said “very, that was the full use of magic the very light in the darkness that the Grimm wish to destroy” I said we got past the gate and started our way back to Tokyo.


Rather than writing this as a lengthy paragraph, I think you could write it like this,

“There it is!” I said, walking to the crystal.
We took a larger piece of the gemstone as we made our way back we all stopped in our tracks. There were Grimms all around the gate we dock down in the tree line.
Why are all the Grimms back?” she said in worry.
“I'm not sure but it looks like they have been drawn here by something” I replied See,if you separate the paragraph right here, it'd be easier for the reader to know who's talking without getting confused“What are we going to do” crow said
“we are going to fight off the demons” he said leaving the tree line he didn't draw his sword but instead just stayed walking
“what are you doing Monrow!” we shouted at him
“don’t worry I know what I'm doing just watch” he said fire started coming out of his hands all the Grimms raged towards him, a bright flash lite up everything I went blind for a second all the Grimm body parts littered the ground, when a Grimm dies the body turns to ash,I watch has the ash went up into the sky like leafs in the wind “that was amazing” he said “Well, that was the full use of magic the very light in the darkness that the Grimm wish to destroy” I said we got past the gate and started our way back to Tokyo.


There were a few places in this paragraph where you needed to add commas and full stops, I pointed out a few of them but I think you can correct them if you re-read this carefully.

Anyway, see how easier it gets to know who's talking to whom when you separate the paragraphs at the right places. I don't mean that you have to separate your paragraphs every single time, but at the appropriate times.

The next thing I want to say is when you're changing from one scene to another I think it's best if you ended the previous scene before jumping to the next one. For example,

No one in Tokyo like the ambassador they say he just another bad politician like the rest, I think otherwise, he was a good man but he did hold some underhanded dealings in the city “Oh it's time to go home already.” I said to myself. My home was like most homes in the city it was small and not very kept up outside but I kept the inside fairly nice. There was very little power in the city almost all the power grids were destroyed in the war but in recent years we have started to rebuild power station around the island. I opened the door, I lived alone in the two-bedroom house near center of Tokyo I sat down at the table in the kitchen and ate some bread and butter and wrote my notes for the day :4-10-2040: Class notes: I think the new students aren't ready for tomorrow and I have no idea of what Earin as planned but I have a bad feeling about the visit from him to tomorrow, but likely I'm just looking to deep into it. : End of notes: David Monrow: I closed the notebook and went to sleep.


You allow the reader to grasp a bit about the ambassador, and that's a good thing. The readers have to know about the characters to get a proper understanding of the story. What I find slightly confusing about is that, right after the description you started talking about the narrators home and the setting. I think the readers might feel slightly rushed when you suddenly jump into another situation in the same paragraph. So why not separate it to make it more clear? (just a suggestion ^-^ )

Okay, I think you get the idea about paragraphs, if not...well feel free to ask! ^-^

Next off, here's what I really liked about your novel.
I love the concept. This sure gives out that science fiction vibe right at the start and that's a good sign.
And next, I think your characters are pretty neat. But you could add a bit more descriptions to describe their physical appearance a bit more.
I think you describe places pretty well, so kudos for that! ^_^

This is a really good start and I love this whole concept and setting. With a bit more adjustments here and there and editing this a bit, you could really make this an awesome novel! ^_^

Welp, that's about it for now and if you have any questions feel free to ask me or just sent a PM! ^-^

Never stop writing,
Writerkitty




captainearth says...


thx you and yes ill definitely see what you mean about paragraphs and ill change them in my next edit this story I started last year as a writing assignment and it turned into something I can't stop writing about and I will be giving more detail about characters and the world around them. I stopped the story at that point because I'm working on next three chapters right now. and aging thx for the review



writerkitty says...


^-^ You're very welcome!
Wow, that's awesome. It's really nice that you keep on writing your novel. Watch out for the writer's block (but I'm sure you could deal with that pretty well ^_^ )
Good luck!




We wandered the halls of an infinite magic nursing home, led by a hippo nurse with a torch. Really, just an ordinary night for the Kanes.
— Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire