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Jeff's Diary: White smoke

by birk


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Sunday June 16th

This might be moot, but did you read the news today?

Because if you did, there may have been a certain article that caught your attention, and that would be a certain, front page article!

Well, you might think you know the story, but believe me, there is a perfectly reasonable and genuine excuse for why I was seen on TV being chased by cops through the streets of Rome in the Pope-mobile along with Jesus.

The thing is, I was up late last night smoking weed with the J-Man and one thing led to another and we suddenly found ourselves in Vatican City. Now, what followed here, I would not normally condone, but I have an itching suspicion that Jesus may have drugged and/or roofied me in some sort of Hangover like fashion.

Anyhow, we were riding this pig around in the streets and suddenly the J-Man exclaimed “I shall find that crummy hat and place it upon this pig!” as he began marching through St. Peter’s Square. Lurching behind him I replied “Dude, you mean the Pope hat? That’s called a mitre, you jerk.” Yeah, he gave me the finger.

As I said, I do not condone this, but while roaming around we happened upon the Pope-mobile and Jesus got that devilish grin of his. You should know the rest. Oh, except for the homicide, I think they covered that up.

I will have to end this entry now as I’m still in custody and am being moved to a more secure location (seriously, this place had lousy security, as I easily got to this pc), along with the J-Man. Bail has been posted though and Kate should be here shortly to get us.

That’s going to be a rough conversation.

Monday June 17th

Okay, I’m safely home again and through some smooth-talk by the J-Man, my criminal record is still spot free.

It has still been consequences though: Kate is furious at me, my mother is extremely worried for my wellbeing and I have thousands of new Facebook requests. Not a fan.

Another major thing is the discovery of a massive tattoo on my left thigh. It’s the Nick Nolte mugshot photo!

Lastly, I have been banned from Vatican City. Apparently Pope Francis wants his cruddy hat back and can’t take a freaking joke!

I’ll cancel his subscription to Boy’s Life next time.

Sunday June 23rd

Waka Waka Waka Waka!

This is beyond ridiculous! After the news broke about Jesus’ brewing acting career, a lot of rumors have surfaced. But now there is confirmed news about him being chosen to portray Pacman in the upcoming Uwe Boll adaption of the classic game.

I wish he sort of kept me in the loop when he makes decisions like this, because this is something I would strongly advise against. This is a career killer.

And come on, Uwe Boll adapts Pacman? This is bound to be the worst thing ever.

Wednesday June 26th

Small note to myself; check under every stairway throughout the building complex.

From my window just now, I believe I saw a hooded person carrying a black bag, first into the main entrance and then both side exits. I may be overthinking this, but there is a chance Jesus took my whole “Pretend to be a psycho who will blow up the building if I stray too far from it” proposal way too serious.

Thursday June 27th

Yup, he definitely took that to heart.

Checked all the entrances and found rigged explosives at all exits. Now I’m unsure of whether I’m just going to confront him or try to sneakily steal the detonator which he surely must have somewhere. I’m probably going to try that.

I swear, if I confront him about it, he’d blow up the entire building just for shits and giggles.


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Sun May 26, 2013 5:23 am
Audy wrote a review...



Hey Birkhoff!

You know, I've forgotten how much I actually enjoy reading diary-entry type stories, you don't see much of those nowadays it seems - so I'm glad to actually be tackling one ^^

Immediately, the voice strikes me as wonderful. I love the humor in it, there's a wit and a sarcasm that's just evoked out of it, there's also a childish silliness and craziness that is indeed very Hangover-esque -- I love how much you can do with voice and how it can reveal characters and their different perspectives - a very good deal!

I'll have to echo Niteowl the places that I was distracted from the story were to do with believability and questioning whether or not a situation like that is even plausible. The pig and the hat and everything, I can believe -- and there's a sort of ironic sweetness with certain situations like in his sneaking in to the pc to type up a journal entry as opposed to -- I dunno, getting out of his current situation? xD There's also the deal with the explosives -- I'd think that if he really found explosives rigged to detonate, he'd hardly have time to casually type up an entry, so in these ways the diary form that this takes becomes a bit problematic, structurally.

And come on, Uwe Boll adapts Pacman? This is bound to be the worst thing ever.


Oh that is great. I'm laughing too hard XD Thanks for that.

~ as always, Audy




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Sun May 26, 2013 2:13 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hey Birkhoff! I read these, and they're pretty funny, but hard for me to critique seriously, but it's Review Day so I'll try.

First off, the whole thing with the Pope was hilarious! However, I assume you don't watch Nancy Grace and/or Lifetime movies, but surely you've heard of the Amanda Knox debacle? Even with the J-Man on your side, there's no way you'd get out of there so fast. I also don't think he roofied Jeff if he remembers it.

Loved the Nick Nolte tattoo. I saw a "bad tattoos" show recently and people have Steve Buscemi tattoos (yes there were two. One got a cover-up. The other loves it.)

I may be overthinking this, but there is a chance Jesus took my whole “Pretend to be a psycho who will blow up the building if I stray too far from it” proposal way too serious.


Um...what? This came a bit out of left field to me. I think you meant you can't leave the building because of all the fans/enemies you've made? And surely Jeff has learned by now not to make jokes like that with Jesus.

Overall, these are funny and I have trouble finding things to critique, so I apologize if this reads more like a comment. Good job and keep writing! :)





I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
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