Friday May 24th
It’s Friday night and I decided to finally check out the latest episodes of my series tonight, but Jesus spoiled the ending to Fox’s “The Following”. Apparently the entire world except for Kevin Bacon is secretly a cult member. Hard to believe the series could get even more ridiculous, but I’ll stick with it. It’s good for comedic effect. Hopefully the President kills the Vice President with nun chucks on live TV in the series finale.
Saturday May 25th
“And you can see the daisies in her footsteps
I wanna be Kate”
It’s been almost a month since I started seeing Kate and I’m making her dinner tonight, trying to be all romantic and stuff. Got Ben Folds Five’s “Kate” ready in to play on the speakers, I’m wondering if that might be cheesy, or weird.
Hopefully I’m getting lucky.
Sunday May 26th
I DID NOT GET LUCKY!
I can’t believe this, but Jesus actually manages to screw me, even when he’s not around!
At this point I’ll have to get lucky with myself.
Alright, I had Kate over last night and things started out great. She even loved the BFF song, because she got good taste. However, as things were about to get funky, everything went to hell.
Strolling into my bedroom, I was met with a terrible sight. All the walls were lined with pro Christianity posters, all promoting celibacy, abstinence and marriage. In the center of all these posters was a huge banner which read: “Jeff, you are not the messiah, I am, and you are a very naughty boy!” I thought to myself, this is it, the “all is lost” moment.
Kate naturally left and I had to resort to a cold shower. I’m not sure where the J-Man actually is tonight, but when he returns, I’m going to kill him.
Monday May 27th
Okay, so Jesus finally arrived home again late this night, having been away for over a day. I was waiting for him, but he immediately went into the bathroom. Pissed as I was, I followed him.
Bad idea, I walked in to find him nude, standing on top of a puddle of water in the shower, filled to the brim. He gave me a nasty look and said “Very naughty”. Suddenly reminded of how he screwed me, as well as the fact that he now taunted me with it, I yelled at him “Go to hell, asshole!” and stormed out. As I closed the door behind me I heard him yell back; “I’m already in hell! Why do you think the big cheese banished me here?!”
I didn’t know he was banished here, I suppose he’s pretty bummed about that. Heaven must be pretty awesome if Earth is hell in comparison. Or wait, maybe this is hell? It would explain why Bieber is popular and how so many ridiculous things get fame or recognition.
Pretty cool that the walking on water thing is real though, but I guess within the realms of my world now, it’s not that farfetched. Jesus has done much bigger things, and worse. Lastly, there is something I need to be on the lookout for: when I exited the bathroom I distinctly remember not seeing the J-Man’s reflection in the mirror. Yes, it may just be stupid Jesus “magic” again, but I can’t rule out the option that he might be a vampire.