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Jeff's Diary: Prepare to go Psychlo

by birk

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Tuesday May 7th

Give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever.

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid? The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Penis.

Fuck my life! Jesus broke into my cpc last night and wrote in my diart. I would remove it, but that asshat removed the backspace key, poured yogurt in its place and replaced my mouse with a dead rat. So this entry and maybe some next ones mighy be full of typos. Why do I put up with this jerk? Just rememer to avenge this unholy deed!

Thursday May 9th

Went out and got a new keyboard and mouse, very annoying. As retaliation I replaced Jesus’s sandals with crocs. I may not be as maniacally evil as he is, but crocs are one of the ugliest things ever created.

Wednesday May 15th

Tonight was poker night, I had fun.

The J-man invited some friends over and we played poker, ate some chips and had a few beers. I continually checked my beer though, making sure it’s still beer and not Gatorade.

Jesus did bring some weird friends, but still, I knew and had heard of two of them. First off there was Greg, never heard of him but he’s a solid guy. Then there was famous Japanese crazy man Mitsuo Matayoshi, who is actually a pretty cool dude. Lastly there was Judas, old friend of Jesus from the Bible. He had a really bad poker face.

Friday May 17th

Today is May 17th, the national day of Norway. I celebrated by flicking paperclips at random customers.

Jesus on the other hand, was unaware of this country’s existence.

Tuesday May 21st

Alright, was I ready for another wacky day with the J-man’s crazy antics? No, I was not.

Stayed up a bit too late last night and woke up early afternoon. Walking into the living room, I found none other than John Travolta duct taped to a chair. Several months ago I would have freaked out, but today, I barely flinched. The J-man is corrupting my brain, as he has done too many over the years. I hope I don’t end up as Andy Dick did. I’d never forgive Jesus.

I was about to pull of the tape covering his mouth when Jesus walked in on me, carrying a copy of Battlefield Earth and wearing his usual “My Little Pony” t-shirt. I proceeded to ask him why Travolta was here, trying to cope with how his drug addled mind worked.

“I’m curing this man of insanity.” That was his entire reply. He merely asked me to leave a couple of minutes later. He seemed to be setting up a projector of some kind. I could only imagine what he was about to do, maybe some Clockwork Orange scenario.

Before I left, I tried to explain that this man was not insane, but the J-man ignored me and once again sent me for the door. Out in the hall I noticed a lot of other things not supposed to be there. Among them a dreadlock wig, Viagra pills, the Necronomicon, a brightly colored jumpsuit and Tom Cruise. I quickly asked him for an autograph and was out the door.

When I returned not long ago, everything seemed to be back to normal here. I checked the entire place and I only found something that might be bloodstains on the bathtub floor, but I’m not sure about that. Checking the news, I found some articles about how photos of a ragged Cruise returning to his home had surfaced. Found nothing on Travolta though, but I guess no one cares.

Might check that bathtub again though.

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User avatar
416 Reviews

Points: 775
Reviews: 416

Sun Jul 28, 2013 4:55 am
Willard wrote a review...

By the way I hate Andy Dick
He killed Phil Hartman, one of the funniest guys on T.V
Hey, Birkhoff.
This has the crazy, likeable humor I should have. I like your writing style and weird storyline. You brought a series about a guy living with Jesus who turns out to be a total D-Bag
Great job, I shall be reading the rest of Jeff's Diaries
Not much to say. I have no advice. This was really good.
Good job
Keep writing

User avatar
179 Reviews

Points: 11017
Reviews: 179

Mon Mar 18, 2013 6:08 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...

Firstly, so sorry for the ridiculous amount of time it's been since you requested a review! I had loads of homework, and then I was on holiday, and then it was two days before YWS cup and I thought I might as well wait and another two days wouldn't make any difference...
So sorry, I will try to do an extra good review! Now, I shall read this.

"Then there was famous Japanese crazy man Mitsuo Matayoshi, who is actually a pretty cool dude. Lastly there was Judas, old friend of Jesus from the Bible. He had a really bad poker face."

I googled Mitsuo Matayoshi. He does sound rather crazy...

"Went out and got a new keyboard and mouse, very annoying. As retaliation I replaced Jesus’s sandals with crocs. I may not be as maniacally evil as he is, but crocs are one of the ugliest things ever created."

That was rather funny. And the whole bit about John Travolta and Tom Cruise was hilarious.
This was a really funny little set of diary entries. Your grammar's looking great, only typos were in the section where the backspace had been deleted and yeah, it made me laugh!
I'd still like to know a bit more about Jeff. Has he heard anything from that girl he went out with? HOw's the store going? Any little details about his life that isn't about the J-man.
This is my favourite one so far. I haven't really got anything to suggest! Send me a message when you next upload and I'll try to get to that sooner!

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Wed Mar 13, 2013 3:29 pm
dogs wrote a review...

"The LORD your God is in your midst"

Hello there Birkhoff! Dogs here with your review as requested. So couple things I wanted to point out here: Firstly, I'm not entirely sure why you decided to put "lord" in all caps. Perhaps it's the proper way to address that there is one God in your writing, the way I was told is that you just capitalize it so it would look like: "Lord." Put something in all caps really draws the readers attention to the word, and I think it's perhaps unnecessary in this line if you can avoid it. Secondly, you need a comma after "lord," and after "God." The way this line is worded is that it's like "your God" is in parenthesis, a substitute for parenthesis' is two commas. Thirdly, you use "your" twice in the same sentence a little bit too close in proximity to one another, try editing one of them out to help with the smoothness of this line.

"he will quiet you by his love"

I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say with this line. I think the word that is really messing me up is "by." Perhaps say: "he will quiet you with his love." Or something along those lines, whatever works.

"exult over you with loud singing"

Try to find a more descriptive word than "Loud." Perhaps use "boisterous, stentorian, bellowing, deafening..." Whatever works.

"broke into my diart"

I think you mean "diary" here instead.

"I would remove it... removed the backspace key"

You know what I'm going to say here my friend, you used "remove" twice in the same sentence a little too close to each other. Try editing one of them out or find a synonym that works. Also, be sure to put the first bit in italics or quotations to indicate that it's something from your diary.

"We played poker"

You just said that it was poker night, so we assume that you'll be playing poker. Just say "we played." Also, it's good that you throw in a positive day amongst all the sucky ones. Nice job.

"drug addled mind..."

Nice, great use of "addled." Excellent line here.

Nice nice. This is a great ending for this piece. I, of course, have my own assumptions but you put in a good balance of "facepalm" with great humor and a hint of just messed up. I'm extremely curious to see what shinnanigans Jesus is up to. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

birk says...

Hmm, I feel you spent way too much time on the 1st entry here. Yes, Lord is supposed to be in caps, I found it weird too, but I researched it.

I needed some quotations from the Bible to show how Jesus wasn't below disgracing the work by insering a naughty word at the end. The grammar setup seemed off for me aswell, but who am I to argue with whoever revised the Bible.

2nd part of 1st entry is supposed to be full of grammar mistastakes, that was the point...

"I would remove it... removed the backspace key"

Thanks, that is indeed bad writing, slipped my mind. But how come I should put something in italics though? It's all from the diary. Maybe I'm looking at this wrong.

Otherwise, thanks mate.
I'm currently not writing more for this, and I only have a piece about the pope resigning to work off. So this series might be quiet for a while.

I'm sure he's up to all sorts of shenanigans though.

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13 Reviews

Points: 1141
Reviews: 13

Thu Mar 07, 2013 3:10 am
AmourDevorant wrote a review...

Whaaaat? How crazy :D

I'm not sure how to critique this, it being a series of diary entries and thus very "personal" to the character. I like the outrageous sense of humor (I remember the Jesus memes in their prime), but i think it's too much at once. Too many wacky things happening in rapid succession, without much reaction in between to tie them together. Maybe record some funny dialogs, like Jeff's reaction to Jesus when he does all this nonsense, or a retaliation?

Jeff seems to be a chill observer, without much personality of his own. The diary reads like a play-by-play rather than a personal reflection-- I want to see more of this terribly abused Jeff!

It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela