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Jeff's Diary: The Phantom Menace

by birk


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Wednesday May 29th

I think I’ve mended the damage Jesus did to my relationship with Kate. After several conversations about Jesus and how ludicrous he is, she seems to accept the fact that I’m not a batshit crazy douche, but rather a standup guy. Maybe.

All in all good, but there has been some backlash though. I think I somehow planted a bad seed in her mind. I think she might want me to move in with her sooner rather than later. While that might sound nice at first glance, it’s not really something I’m up for at this point in my life. Isn’t it very soon as well?

Perhaps I’ll conjure up some excuse I can use to make things remain as they are when she eventually brings it up. Could I make up a psycho who has it out for me? If there were threats that he would blow up my building if I strayed away from it too long at a time, she’d have to understand, right?

Maybe the J-Man would play along.

Saturday June 1st

Got one of my favorite songs playing; “Congo” by Genesis and Kate doesn’t seem to like it. I’ve tried to teach her the art of good music, but she won’t let go of sub-par acts like Kesha and Lady Gaga. Hopefully I’ll nudge her along soon; maybe the new reincarnated Snoop Lion will even help.

Wednesday June 5th

Today was hilarious; I’m not sure when I last laughed so much.

I was flipping through channels when I passed a televangelist show and I quickly switched back to it as I think I saw something weird. And yes, I sure did. Standing in the middle of a church littered with people was Jesus, having a loudmouthed argument with a preacher.

At the point when I tuned in, they were throwing insults at each other and the preacher even took Gods name in vain, to which Jesus yelled at him not to take his father’s name in vain. The preacher often gestured to the bible he held in his hands, apparently trying to combat arguments in the heated standoff. But as they argued back and forth for several minutes, the preacher suddenly rushed out the door in an angry fit, leaving Jesus to oddly enough finish the sermon.

After it ended, I slapped myself for not recording this. But no harm done, it was already on youtube the following day. I made multiple hilarious comments and also shared the clip on Facebook, to the J-Man’s chagrin. Sadly, he has now unfriended me. I will not miss his daily posts from lolcat, but I’ll miss the shares he gets from other religious idols and deities such as Muhammad and Joseph Smith. Apparently they enjoy a lot of pork at Burger King.

Tuesday June 11th

Ran into Steve Guttenberg today, he was nice. I miss that guy; someone should put him in a sitcom. All-round badass, love Mahoney.

Thursday June 13th

WHAT?

I’m really not sure how to react or deal with this, hell, who knows if I’m even awake right now? Maybe it’s some weed induced dream.

Massive fan of Game of Thrones that I am, I was shocked to wake up to certain casting news for the series. According to several reports, as well as the douche himself, Jesus J. Christ has been cast as Rhaegar Targaryen. It’s a small role, only to appear in flashbacks, but the fact that the J-Man will appear as the brother of Daenerys, which is my favorite character, is just not cool.

Who did he even blow to get this part?


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User avatar
241 Reviews


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Sun May 26, 2013 2:24 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello. jordin here with a review for the red team which should have been called Ketchup.

I sure hope this little review helpes.

but rather a standup guy. Maybe.
Okay this piece would sound better like this 'She decided that I was more like a standup kind of guy' maybe that would work but then again you do not need to take my advise.

All in all good, but there has been some backlash though.
Okay the problem with this is you do jot use though in this context you would use it like if you are intending to say something after that contradicts it or something like that anyway that is my personal opinion you may not need to take it. :)

Another thing is at the end of you paragraph about Wednesday May 29th you put a comma not period before the 'right?'.

Okay something you could do is go through this and re write the parts like so.
'on Thursday June 13 I...' and so on.

Second problem I am guessing this is not your diary but anyway this is wrong you wrote only little pieces of it like you jumped 3 days.

Good job overall.

Keep calm write review read and have some good luck.

Hope this helped you out.

~Jon~ :pirate3:




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Sun May 26, 2013 5:35 am
Audy wrote a review...



Hey again Birkhoff!

I'm just going through the green room -- srsly, how and why have these been in there so long, they're great! What I didn't know when I wrote that previous review was that these all belong to a series! :o that's pretty awesome, I dunno how I could've missed that. It's kind of neat though, because I've come into these two pieces completely out of order, and somehow it worked out fine for me? I still enjoyed the reading experience, and even feeling lost/confused in the events, because they're just snippets, it actually enhanced the craziness of the scenarios!

This chapter was definitely on a slower pace/less humorous/crazy than White Smoke-- but it has more character, which is great! I particularly love the first two entries and the MC's relationship with Kate, apparently there was some mishap between her and JC xD but I love the details here, the music tastes debate. Little things like that help us really connect with the character in quite a powerful and profound way.

One thing I'm not so clear of, (prolly to do with not having read from the beginning/reading out of order) is whether it's the real Jesus Christ or if he's just in fact a normal guy/larger than life actor who just calls himself by Jesus, either way, gotta love how he keeps popping up in this guy's life ^_^

Annnnd Daenerys from Game of Thrones for the Win! <3

~ as always, Audy





I didn't know beards could do that ;)
— ShadowVyper