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Jeff's Diary: Ode to Captain Butthurt

by birk


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Friday April 19th

Jesus trolled me today. He came into the living room and stood before me, blocking the TV. He then put a small button controller in my lap and said “This button destroys the entire universe. I’m going to my dad for the weekend, see you Sunday.” OH MY GOD. He’s an evil genius.

I put the button on the table beside me and return my attention to the TV. Every now and then I would glance at the controller beside me, sweat forming above my brows before swiftly shifting my eyes back. This asshole is not going to get to me.

Saturday April 20th

I’m home alone at my computer tonight. Browsing through my latest updates on Facebook, I saw a couple of stories that upset me. My brother apparently loves a new Rob Zombie movie and a female friend of mine is “addicted” to some new Justin Bieber song and is going to, quote; “stalk this badboi, is not bad, hes my future husband after all lolz”. I sit there in silence for maybe three minutes.

Fuck it, I pressed the button.

Nothing happened. The J-man apparently endorses psychological torture. I’m very tired, going to bed now.

Wednesday April 24th

Today was a good day. Asked out Kate, the girl I like, and she agreed to come with me to a concert. I’m very excited.

It’s not all sunshine and roses though; the concert we are going to is the project Jesus was working on. How in the name of Zeus’s butthole am I going to explain what this concert is really about?

Well, the concert is tomorrow, I guess I’ll just act surprised.

Thursday April 25th

Okay, this is going to sound insane, but this was the most amazing armpit fart concert I have even been to.

The clarity of the sounds, the rhythm he could carry so effortlessly and the pure musical talent he portrayed was unbelievable. Jesus was simply astounding.

Kate loved it too, as did the rest of the audience. About 300 people showed up and they were all spellbound from the very first tone. During the night he performed an entire set consisting of 7 songs, some of them among the most romantic music I have heard. It was magical.

Again, I know it sounds insane, but don’t judge without having heard it for yourselves. The J-man earned a lot of respect from me today.

Saturday April 27th

Hung out with Kate today, over at her place though, as she is very uncomfortable having Jesus around. Very understandable, seeing as she was first introduced to him after watching him perform an encore of armpit related songs.

Sunday April 28th

There was a rocket launcher leaning up against the wall beside the toilet today. Why the hell would it be there? Hell if I know, I just return it and ask no questions.


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User avatar
416 Reviews


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 4:35 am
Willard wrote a review...



Here's your rocket launcher
Yet, you never disappoint (So far)
I like this
My review of course is really short
Oh, Nether?
Insult? Oh no no no
Just satire
Clever satire
Good job like usual!
You just made my top 10 writer's list
8.9/10
Good job!
Keep writing!




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 6:15 pm
MissCaroline says...



As soon as I read "Jesus trolled me today.", I knew this was going to be good. This was written very unusually and I liked it because of that. The entries were short and sweet. Great job!




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Wed Feb 27, 2013 1:43 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hi Birkoff,

This is... ridiculous. xD And funny and silly. I can't write humour, I don't have that kind of funny bone, which is always a little sad. But this is just... silly. Hahah, I am a little stunned by it, how silly it is.

Guinea has gone through the nitpicks, all of which I agree upon so I won't go into them. I don't think this needs to be much longer, it says what you want it to say. It's a cute little bit of silliness which is just an excellent bit of distraction for two minutes. If you wanted to write more you'd actually have to inject some more content and give us some proper conflict to work with, but right now it's perfect.

I don't think is an insult to Christianity, it's just a bit of fun using Jesus as a medium. Works for me. Never be afraid to write something because of what critics might say. Unless it's genuinely deplorable, and then don't post it on the YWS, haha!

Thanks for this! XD

~ Pen.




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Wed Feb 27, 2013 1:28 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Um, ahem.

Slight problem here.

On YoungWritersSociety, we at least try to mildly respect peoples beliefs.
And, ahem, this is an insane insult to Christianity.
It wasn't even clever man.

Come on, you want to insult Christianity, do it on a site that doesn't tolerate us.

Okay.

Thanks.




birk says...


Alright, hey Nether.

This is not at all an insult to Christianity, I would have you do some research on satire before critiquing on such, but alas, that's out of my hands.

Now you've come out pretty harsh here: telling me I can't tell something insulting from satire, as well as my writing not being clever.

And seeing as how you are speaking on the site's behalf, I happen to know that this is not how a review (honestly, I can't see any review here) should look like. This is more of a slap to the face.

From your message I assumed you were some sort of admin or long time user, but apparently you have been here even shorter than myself. Seems a bit out of hand to me.

While I'm not a Christian, I have begun practicing Buddhism this last year and I respect all religions, as well as their respective leaders and cultural icons.

Feel free not to review my other works.

Okay.

Thanks.



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Wed Feb 27, 2013 11:28 am
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Hee hee, this section got a few chuckles out of me!
Guineapiggirl here to review you again, although I imagine you're tired of me saying 'i don't get it, i don't get it' again, and again, and again...
So I won't say that.
I'll just do grammar and funny bits:

I’m very exciting.

I take it you mean excited? I mean, he might be saying 'i'm very exciting' but that would be a bit of a weird thing to say.

the most amazing armpit fart concert I have even been to.

I have ever been to?

I just return it and ask no questions.

You've switched tenses. I doubt he's returning it and asking no questions while writing the diary, so go for 'I just returned it and asked no questions.'

Funny bit:

I’m home alone at my computer tonight. Browsing through my latest updates on Facebook, I saw a couple of stories that upset me. My brother apparently loves a new Rob Zombie movie and a female friend of mine is “addicted” to some new Justin Bieber song and is going to, quote; “stalk this badboi, is not bad, hes my future husband after all lolz”. I sit there in silence for maybe three minutes.

Fuck it, I pressed the button.

This bit is very funnny! THis made me chuckle.

I like how you've got this Kate character. There's a bit more about Jeff's life, which is good. I think you could do with mentioning Kate before he asks her out though. I dunno, I just think most people are going to spend a considerable amount of diary space talking about the person they like. More than they use on their annoying flatmate... So I'd mention Kate before this a few times. Like, "i met a girl in so and so today."
We know nothing about Kate. If there's some girl he likes, surely he'll tell us everything about her?
Is 'J-man' going to end up stealing Kate?

Anyway, I liked this bit more than previous sections.
I still don't get how this guy is Jesus, but I'm startign to find this funny!




birk says...


I actually mentioned the girl in an earlier entry.

Thanks again ;)




I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights