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Jeff's Diary: Unholy War

by birk


Wednesday February 20th

Asked Jesus about the noises last night and while I didn’t really get a direct answer, he mentioned something about a musical project he was working on. Yeah, I have no clue what the heck he was doing armpit farts for, but I’ll just ignore this. I have other things to focus on.

Friday February 22nd

Sales have gone drastically up for our geeky little store since its slow beginning. Being in charge of inventory, I try to stay on top of which new books, comics, board games and popular geek culture accessories we should take in or not. It’s a task fitting for me.

Today we even got our own cleaning lady, pretty awesome news. I think her name was Ellie, but we all agreed we were probably just going to call her Consuela. Sadly though, she’s not Hispanic.

Saturday February 23rd

Was at the grocery store with Jesus today and while I was getting milk I saw him in the fruit section, fondling bananas. Weirder and weirder, what have I gotten myself into?

Tuesday February 26th

You know that hat that the pope has? If you push that down and twist it, candy comes out.

Jesus stole this joke from me today and he told it to this girl I like, right in front of me!

Granted, I stole the joke from Sean Lock, but still; he’s starting to get to me.

Thursday February 28th

Not much to write about today. Jesus did say I was going to betray him though. Not sure what that was about.

Sunday March 3rd

Jeff Goldblum in my shower! Jeff Goldblum! In my shower!

That dickwhistle teleported Jeff Goldblum into my shower today, I have no words to express how messed up this is. I guess I pissed him off earlier when I took some hay from his hay pile while he was sleeping, but my chinchilla was out of food and I didn’t bother going to the store.

Never really seen him use his powers like this, so I’ll be lying low, trying to steer clear of him for a while. I had a good talk with Jeff Goldblum though; guy is hung like a horse.

Tuesday April 17th

Okay, it’s been quite a while since my last entry now, I’ve been quite busy and to be honest; very disturbed. Although the store is going pretty solid now, things with Jesus have taken a turn for the worse. He’s a complete mental!

As previously documented, he has turned out to be a complete weirdo, becoming more and more disturbing by the day. But now it has gotten out of hand. He keeps messing with my head, edging me on and it generally seems like he hates me.

Every time we talk, he makes snarky comments about me being a sinner. Meanwhile, he keeps on smoking weed, lying to his family and dabbling in human trafficking. At this point I’m afraid to confront him on it or even rat him out.

He eats my food and turns my beer into Gatorade. Again and again he also keeps mentioning that I’m going to betray him. I thought I had already done that.


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:08 am
Willard wrote a review...



I'd hate to have Dr. Malclom in my shower.
Anywho, this made me think of an old joke I heard.
Man: *Sitting on couch* Jesus, pass me a water
Jesus: * Grabs water* Sure thing *Throws it*
Man: *Catches. It's a wine bottle* GOD DAMN IT, JESUS.JESUS!!!
We all know Jesus does human trafficking!
Anyways, I love this. It's funnier that last time. This makes me have a huge gigantic smile!
I give you
8.9/10
Good Job
Keep Writing!




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Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:36 pm
bullhead21 wrote a review...



I LOVE THIS PIECE! There are so many things I want to talk about it that I can’t express accurately but I will try. I think this is a perfect satire piece because of the mockery, wit, and irony you imply. You have completely destroyed Jesus image and this would make religious people aggravated but since I am not I think you make a very interesting point of view towards moral and ethics that the Bible and Christianity has upon our society today.

I am not sure you if you are trying to portray Jesus as gay through his “fondling [with the] bananas”…and I like the way you portray him as immature with the “armpits farts” and his racial generalization with the house cleaner. Last but not least, the illusions to the Bible when you mention about the upcoming betray and him changing your Gatorade into water is genius…it makes your characterization of Jesus more complete.




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 11:40 am
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Hulloooo again! Guineapiggirl here with another review for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D
So, if anything this is even more random.
You have got Jesus doing some miracles and stuff, and you've also got how Jeff is going to betray him. And Jesus saying Jeff's a sinner.
You've got some slightly more Jesus-y type thigns gooing on, although the miracles seem rather random and his whole character seems not like Jesus.
What i really don't get is this:

Every time we talk, he makes snarky comments about me being a sinner. Meanwhile, he keeps on smoking weed, lying to his family and dabbling in human trafficking. At this point I’m afraid to confront him on it or even rat him out.

Jesus doing human trafficking? WHAT?
I just don't really get it. I don't understand your story and yeah, I don't get it. It's just completely random.

Sales have gone drastically up for our geeky little store since its slow beginning. Being in charge of inventory, I try to stay on top of which new books, comics, board games and popular geek culture accessories we should take in or not. It’s a task fitting for me.

Today we even got our own cleaning lady, pretty awesome news. I think her name was Ellie, but we all agreed we were probably just going to call her Consuela. Sadly though, she’s not Hispanic.

I like how you're telling us a bit more about the character of Jeff. I don't like the racial stereotyping and frankly racist bit at the end of this section.

On the positive side, your commas have improved!
I think you're good at writing. I just completely don't get this story!




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Sat Feb 16, 2013 8:15 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Birkhoff! Dogs here with your review today. Oh goodness you certainly got some chuckles out of me :), I really liked the subtle implications that you hide in this piece, although I don't really understand why you decided to portray Jesus as going insane at the end. Couldn't quite figure that out, well this piece is quite good. I really don't have many notes to say, and what I do have to say is just nit picky grammar stuff. Let's dive in now shall we?

I liked the first entry, I found that funny and strange. I like how you never really reveal why the narrator has "taken in" Jesus, although it does leave some air of confusion and possibly make a block for understand what you're trying to drive at. Just be careful of that.

"we were probably just going to call her Consuela"

Ok, tiny nit picky thing here but try to omit all useless words when you can. Say: "we were probably going to call her Consuela." Also, I find this line humorous because I think of Consuela from Family Guy, but this sounds like a bit of a cruel racist joke, I don't think you mean it to be that way but it comes across as rather cynical.

"Was at the grocery store with Jesus today and while I was getting milk I saw him in the fruit section, fondling bananas."

Feb 23rd, I like how you make Jesus fondling bananas, nice subtle hints there. Definitely subtle but not too subtle that we won't ever pick it up. Also, you need a comma after "today" in this line.

Interesting that Jesus should put Jeff Goldblum in his shower, out of curiosity why did you choose Jeff? Can't really unravel that mystery. Also, what is the purpose of stealing the hay for your chinchilla? It just seems to be in there and I'm not really sure I understand the purpose of it. It doesn't seem to really add to your bigger picture.


I laughed at the part of him turning the beer into Gatorade. That was funny, I really liked this piece all and all. It was pretty humorous and it was smooth to read. Great writing and I really don't have any comments to offer. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:45 am
birk says...



Greetings again!

If whoever checked out my previous entry decides to give this a go i just want to add that random is key word here. You wouldn’t expect Jesus to be this way, heck, why would he even be there? It's just a fun random writing exercise i came up with. I guess you might benefit from putting yourself in a South Park state of mind or something similar.

Thanks for pointers on 1st part though. Typo there that slipped through and yes, some confusing commas. Thanks ;)

Here's hoping for some chuckles.






I'll give this one a review too. :D




Maybe I should say something quote-worthy, like, I dunno... "You can only be happy if you decide to be happy?"
— Necromancer14