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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello man! It's MaxaM here for a small review.
I say small because I really don't have much to comment on when it comes to grammar, that is most of the time the bulk of reviews, so view this as a commentary on the poem more than anything.
Let's kill the grammar part: the only typo that I found is that there is an unnecessary repetition of "up" in this line: "put it on, and dressed up up in all black".
Now to a quick commentary, I found this poem quite interesting, it's a reflection on the meanings of the color yellow while at the same time mixing random elements that in some way just make sense and fit in. It's like seeing someone's thoughts while reflecting on the subject if I would say, and this approach is really interesting.
All in all, this is a really interesting poem and I enjoyed reading it.
I hope to see more of you all, and also to be able to participate in the next collaboration since I imagine it was on the WFP, lol
Ah good catch on the "up / up" typo, I went ahead and fixed that. I would love to hear what you thought the poem's meaning was.
Hope you can join us for the next collaboration!
Heyyy, Arrow here with a review!
I really like this poem. Everything is really smooth and it all flows together perfectly. I really love how you added in things that weren't about the color yellow but made the reader aware of your surroundings.
Although, I do want to suggest something.
"it's like pastels on an easter sunday
rest your eyes, rest your eyes
feel free, stay safe, rest well"
This verse kind of goes from talking about a color to something else. Maybe add in something about the sun and how it's going down, meaning that it's dusk and the narrator is telling someone to sleep.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem! You all did an amazing job on it, and you should write something like this again sometime! I'd love to read it.
With pawfuls of love,
xArrows
Thanks for commenting! And great suggestion, some note about yellow/black or sunshine would add a great piece of continuity to that stanza and help bring the piece together as a whole. Continuity is definitely one of the more difficult parts of writing collab poems I think.
We wrote this poem in a SB write-in hosted by Mage! Here's which lines were which in case you were interested, a friendly reminder that capitalization and punctuation are stylistic choices and have been made intentionally within this piece.
yellow is the center of daffodils - sound
Spoiler
also this is somewhat unrelated,
but it just started raining - mage
and my cat is laying right near the window
i think he heard the noise - mage
yellow is sunshine - sound
i once called myself a spotty cloud - editor
i took one of the devil masks i bought
put it on, and dressup up in all black - lib
oh shoot i just heard thunder
and the rain's back - mage
yellow is the center of daffodils,
yellow is sunshine - sound
we've had a drought for awhile - mage
water is good - editor
rain is so much fun - lib
i wrote ten words and called it a day - editor
i would rather have rain than fires - editor
yellow is sunshine, and yellow is fire
what does this color combo remind me of?- alliyah
this color combo?
it's like pastels on an easter sunday -sound
rest your eyes, rest your eyes
feel free - mage
stay safe - editor
rest well - alliyah
i am a free bird - sound
:] - alliyah
Made some edits to last stanza for continuity-sake based on the review feed-back, but tried to preserve the overall sense of the original.
I LOVE IT <3 <3 <3