There's a floor that creaks, a door that sticks,
a wall with peeling paint, and windows that are cracking.
Empty photo frames, rooms rearranged,
and a door handle was missing, from where it should be.
But more than objects, sounds, and colors
there's something I can't quite name;
for this just does not feel right to me.
I feel like a shell collected from the sea
or a branch wrenched by wind from a tree
I feel I may break down like wilted leafs to the ground,
and become like this broken house, memories creaking,
and so much missing in between.
I feel this house is breaking down, and along with it I will go,
I miss my old home more than everything.
(Author's Note: My good friend EagleFly and I wrote this poem as a collaboration piece - let us know what you think.)
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Beautiful.
This is so beautiful. I love the description that you used in the first four lines, it really helps to visualize the state of the house. My own critique would be my own personal question about rhythm. In my opinion it was a bit hard to find a pace when reading it because of the way it is structured (in two large paragraphs). Although, this could just be my poor reading, I feel it may be better if the lines were a bit broken up.
Other than that, I think this poem portrays this broken and helpless feeling that the writer has about leaving their childhood home. As someone who is about to leave hers, I really related and enjoyed this piece.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing
Ash xx
Thank you Audrey!
Of course! It's wonderful!
Hey there, Alliyah and EagleFly!!
This is Eros here with a review for this beautiful poem!!
First of all, it was a GREAT collab! I really appreciate collaborative works because that works upon smooth team work. You both have done it very nicely.
I loved the idea of the poem and it was very unexpected for me, as a reader. I was expecting that it might be something that'd differentiate between a house and home--- home is where people live, whereas house is empty. Home is where there is love, peace etc, house lacks it all. It did explain this all but in a completely different way!! It had focused mainly upon the comparison of that broken old house, that once used to be the home of the author. And perhaps they changed their house and then goes back and compares themself with the house, that some day they will become like this house too, old and having many things missing.
It was a lovely poem and I really really loved it.
Keep writing both of you!!
Have a great day / night!
With love,
From Eros.
Thanks for your feedback Eros - I enjoyed reading your interpretation and am glad you enjoyed the piece! I had fun working with Eagle on this, as our poetry styles meshed pretty well.
thank you Eros for the feed back. I really liked righting this poem with alliyah it was really cool.
Henlo Alliyah! I'm Jade and I am here to write a review on this poem.
To begin, I really liked this poem. It had tons of amazing imagery, similes and personification. I liked how you took the poem to a whole different level. This poem hit me because I can relate.
I used to move around a lot but there is this one house I always think of. It wasn't as gorgeous and perfect as most peoples houses but it was home. When someone asks us where our home is, most of us say where a certain someone is or where heart is, I say where I left that yellow house full of memories behind.
Anyways sorry for that, back to the poem.
"I feel this house breaking down, and along with it I will go, I miss my old home more than everything."
To me, it sounds wrong. I have a suggestion for you, "I feel my beloved old home breaking down, and along with it I will go. I will miss this place more than anything."
This is just a mere suggestion.
Everything else in this poem is simply amazing and I love that you and your friend wrote it together. I think that is really cool. I look forward to seeing more poems from the both of you.
Much love,
Your local friendly person
Henlo Alliyah! I'm Jade and I am here to write a review on this poem.
To begin, I really liked this poem. It had tons of amazing imagery, similes and personification. I liked how you took the poem to a whole different level. This poem hit me because I can relate.
I used to move around a lot but there is this one house I always think of. It wasn't as gorgeous and perfect as most peoples houses but it was home. When someone asks us where our home is, most of us say where a certain someone is or where heart is, I say where I left that yellow house full of memories behind.
Anyways sorry for that, back to the poem.
"I feel this house breaking down, and along with it I will go, I miss my old home more than everything."
To me, it sounds wrong. I have a suggestion for you, "I feel my beloved old home breaking down, and along with it I will go. I will miss this place more than anything."
This is just a mere suggestion.
Everything else in this poem is simply amazing and I love that you and your friend wrote it together. I think that is really cool. I look forward to seeing more poems from the both of you.
Much love,
Your local friendly person
Thanks Joey!
Glad this poem connected with you!
Hi, Bean here- Please forgive me I'm quite new at this
First of all, This is amazing, and it flows off the tongue.
Second of all, it feels like you're describing an old friend, which is great for a poem to have that much imagery.
Third of all, I love the poem, as it is relatable and simple.
And finally, I can't see any critiques so you guys are so great at this!
KEEP WRITING!
-Bean
I'm wondering if you could clarify what you mean by "describing an old friend" ?
Thanks for your feedback.
It means you know when you describe friends to other people, it's like that.
Hi Shikora here with a short review @EagleFly and @alliyah.
This was just a lovely peace. I just love the way it flows of my tong as i read. This poem just speaks the truth, I think you two did such a lovely job here. It was fulled with such emotion and pain. I no this poem is true because it has happened to me so many times. I hope you two make more poems together. Never stop wring and have a great day/night
Your friend
Shikora.
thank you @Shikora for the lovely words.
Your welcome.
Thanks Shikora! EagleFly is a great to work with - so maybe you'll see another poem from us in the future.
Glad to hear that!