School Life -- Part One

Hi there, MJ here for a brief review for a brief piece

Overall thoughts:
~I don't really understand the pool water analogy. It would be much clearer to leave that analogy out altogether, or at least offer further explanation.
~ I love discussion of the difficulties of school and being 'unpopular'.
~ Love the distinction between a real and genuine smile and the one that we feel obligated to give everyone when they do something nice or say something right.
~ What is the segment "We are never all together?" supposed to mean? Is it referring to physical location, or something else?
~ You don't need to bring so many names in. Referring to them arbitrarily will be just fine, considering the shortness of this piece.

Specific nitpicks:

If you get a good test score in tech, then you're a geek

Not that plastic one that I flippantly gave to my boyfriend, Marshal.

Oh, how I wish that my friend, Alison, would one day blurt out her wacky dreams and whatever was on her mind like Jenny did.

This was great! You get to the heart of what it's like to be a kid, just going through the motions in school.

When you're writing through the P.O.V of multiple characters, make sure to give each character their own individual voice. That can be pretty tricky sometimes. Also, there are few punctuation errors here and there. I think if you do a quick read-through you'll catch them all. Over-all, this was a pretty fun read! Keep writing

-Sofie

Wow! What a story. I enjoyed it, and it is very, very, very true that "true friends are hard to come by". Preach it!!!! The only thing I want to point out is the phrase "The last time I really smiled". I suggest that you insert a question mark at the end. When I read that part, it strikes me as an interrogative sentence. Other than that, I spotted no nitpicks and that is good. you handled your story with care. This was a very entertaining yet serious in a way read. Keep on writing, and good luck!

@fantasydragon01.

Hey, Annie here for a review!

This was very interesting, and i really like how you gave both the point of view of a popular person and the point of view of a nerd. Your story shows that both of them have problems and in reality, neither of them has it any better than the other.

Very interesting story, I hope that maybe sometime you'll do another part, maybe where Margaret and Genevieve interact with each other? Good story, keep writing!

"The difference is, I can shake the water out easily. The voices, though, are stuck in there -- probably forever."
I really like this quote, but I'm also against it. It's a double-edged sword. Yes, these voices of bullies can be haunting, but you shouldn't care what they think! Ignore them! All of those "popular kids" who think they're standing on top of the world don't mean anything. After high school, these "popular kids" are facing the whole entire world, full of others who won't put up with their unauthentic personas.
Sorry for the rant, ha ha! I really appreciate the viewpoint of Margaret that you write here, but I also sympathize for her, that she feels this way.
I also feel the same way about Genevieve I like how you give us the perspective of both "the popular," scrambling to the top, and "the geek."

You created such a real, raw story in just these few passages. I love what you did here. You evoked a lot of emotion and deep thought out of me!

Hello, my fellow Time Lord and Tardis Rider!

These are several interesting perspectives of what it is to be popular!

One thing that would be pretty cool to write, if you were so inclined, is to have their worlds meet in some way. I mean, you have two very compelling characters here on two parts of the popularity scale. You have already shown that you can write each of the characters with empathy and understanding, so you already know that you're an excellent writer of character!

Now, it would be interesting to throw in some plot... How would these two girls interact with each other? I'm guessing that Margaret would be scornful of Genevieve, seeing as Genevieve and her cohorts have loved to torture her with their laughter and every present commentary and Genevieve would be distrustful of Margaret because she has to be suspicious of everyone. What might force them to see eye to eye with each other? Maybe they get paired up with each other in class or an elective or in some extracurricular activity and they are forced to deal with each other. Maybe Margaret or Genevieve stands up for the other one when the other one is facing a hardship.

So, good start! But, I would love to see you expand this character sketch further.

Wow you got a powerful point there young one.
Expressing ones feeling is another thing but revealing most people's
is another thing. And you my friend have just written down in words two people's
perspective of the world around them and the things they want to patch
up to live a happy life (which nobody is living at right now).

The first girl has a major issue in the lives of school children and teens this days.
The teen world filled with jokes and endless laughter with no sense of common sense and seriousness. There are two types of people in this cruel world. Antagonist and the protagonist and the first girl's POV just hit the nail on the head about bully and abuse in school. All written in few simple and emotional words.

The second girl i see is living the life of competition in the teen world again.
She hasn't smiled in a long while for she knows no one can tell the truth in
such a competitive world where everyone wants to be at the top including her friend Alison.
Every girl wants to be the best and the popularity comes in it. Once such mindset is derived into
a young mind, best relationships will fade away and you will find no pleasure in life like you use to too. Laughter and happiness does not exist when there is a world filled with secrets and lies.

Love the way you ended the whole piece together. Just spiced up this beautiful and touching piece of writing you have darling.
Keep writing splendid stuff like this. And always write stuff like this that relate
to the current issues of this world today to attract major audience.

I really like this!
You bring up a very important point. Most people, at least from my experience, bring up the side of the geeky protagonist. However, you don't just do Margaret. You also write about Genevieve.
It's an interesting combination of popular girl and nerdy girl. I haven't really seen something like this before. So I think that's why I like it so much. I'm the type of person-And I probably get this from being a writer-that tries to look at people from multiple sides. This was a chance for me to look through the eyes of someone popular. You did a great job, and I wonder which of the two is most like you!
Keep up the awesome work, and good luck in your writing endeavors!

Welcome to YWS! Now then:

Well, to be blunt: I'm conflicted on this. You've got a believable literary voice in narration, and some surprisingly good descriptions. However, well...

Margaret's the more relatable of the two, at least to me. The one part I can take issue with is the lack of how the "label" influences one's place in society. Nothing's more haunting than the whispers that linger at the edge of your mind, as the world slowly turns away from you. Here, it's like the cause without the effect. Describing loneliness is often an incredible feat, so I strongly encourage it.

As for Genevieve, its interesting to see the flipside represented so fairly. But what is "the top spot," exactly? If everyone only pretends to like each other, what's the top spot worth anyway? It's a question without an answer here, and it kind of hinders the argument.

Now, the entire piece here is written in a negative tone. And that's fine. But be careful that you don't come off as "whiny." That's another aspect of society too, actually. Anyone voicing dissatisfaction with the current social order is perceived as whiny and incompetent by those around them.

The trick is, if you want to make people care that the protagonist is dissatisfied, you often have to make them likable, or at least easy to sympathize with, first. A more cynical person would regard this with disgust, and tell these people to stop complaining, because there are folks worse off in the world. Keep in mind that, if you're going to offer a philosophy about society as a whole, it needs to be three-dimensional, and offer sympathy from any side. After all, society is, first and foremost, a group of people. Humans.

I feel like I'm offering a bit of an unfocused criticism, but I'll put it forward nonetheless. Overall, while the writing style is exceptional, the "plot" puts a bit of a damper on the piece. It's always tricky to find that balance between annoyingly shallow and boringly deep, but I think you can do it. Just keep writing, and brighter days will come. Cheers!


-Chaser

Hey there, Acm! Artemis here to review your work.

So... Wow! This was so true (for high schoolers, at least) and extremely detailed. I liked how you said everything and... Wow.

But one question... Are you going to continue or add on to this? Because when you end at Genevieve, it sounds so abrupt. I think you should make this into a novel, or at least put on a little bit at the end to make it seem more natural. I really liked your work, though, and I apologize for the short review (I don't have much time). Good job and keep writing!

-Artemis28

Hello,

Seems like you still can be a called a new member, so, welcome to the site! I'm never a review expert and only recently I've started reviewing stories so, it can definitely stink :3 and I'm sorry for that. But, I can try so yeah!

Now, your story, it's quite enjoyable to read. Like two different people talking about their experiences. But, to me it seemed a little odd. Because, they're not talking about the same thing and it's quite unclear that what you're trying to say here. If it's just one part of your story then I can understand that many more are coming but otherwise, I'm confused.

So, that's it from me for now. Are you planning to write more sequences of this? Just curious.

Have a great day!

~Nire!