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Dear Mother

by acm


Heather looked around the room and gulped in a breath of air. Her bed stood next to her under the opened window letting in a cool breeze and ruffling her curtains. She then let out all of the air in her lungs with a weary sigh that filled the room.  On her desk there was a gun, the one her father used to use. Heather let her hand rest on it for a few seconds, as long as she could keep it there before pulling it away with a sharp movement. Her hands quivering, Heather placed a perfectly folded letter onto the desk next to the gun. She knew its words by heart.

Dear Mother,

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I do not want you to try to understand, just know that I tried my best to chose the path you always wanted for me. In the end, though, I ended up with the world on my back and a glass half-empty. There is no miracle medicine that can cure the soul like you cure cancer. There are no soul transplants like there are heart transplants, because some things can't be that easily replaced. If you look around my bedroom, you'll see a piece of my broken soul in paintings that I made after our fights. You don't know how many times I have drafted this letter deciding what to say, but I eventually came upon the word dear. Our bond was fragile, but you still called me your love, your dearest. I called you other much worse words that I didn't really ever mean. I love you so much, but I never was able to get the words out quite right. Now I write them to you on a piece of paper. You don't have to forgive me. I don't deserve to be called your love or your dearest, but somehow you were still able to adore me. I don't ask for you to do anything more for me than to call me your love, your dearest once again and remember that I love you with all of my broken soul.

Goodbye,

Heather


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9 Reviews

Points: 564
Reviews: 9

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Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:04 pm
mkphoenix says...



Hello!

I really enjoyed this, very intriguing.

The thing that stood out the most to me was the fact that you were able to capture some important details about her mother without directly saying it. She's a surgeon, that's big, and the comparison you make with her mother's job and her own struggles was very great.

Kind of makes me think, you know? You portrayed this from her view to make it seem as there was no other option, which almost makes this completely understandable.

For cons, I don't really have anything except try to widen your vocabulary just a little bit. For example:

"...the one her father used to use."

say something like:

"...the one her father adored."

or

"...the one that was found commonly within her father's fingers.

Other than that, I really liked it.

Awesome Job,
MK.




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9 Reviews

Points: 564
Reviews: 9

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Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:03 pm
mkphoenix wrote a review...



Hello!

I really enjoyed this, very intriguing.

The thing that stood out the most to me was the fact that you were able to capture some important details about her mother without directly saying it. She's a surgeon, that's big, and the comparison you make with her mother's job and her own struggles was very great.

Kind of makes me think, you know? You portrayed this from her view to make it seem as there was no other option, which almost makes this completely understandable.

For cons, I don't really have anything except try to widen your vocabulary just a little bit. For example:

"...the one her father used to use."

say something like:

"...the one her father adored."

or

"...the one that was found commonly within her father's fingers."

Other than that, I really liked it.

Awesome Job,
MK.




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5 Reviews

Points: 690
Reviews: 5

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Thu Oct 15, 2015 3:45 pm
hannahlane says...



I like the idea of your writing but I would make a few changes. Although, to start off I like how you open up the story with an introduction as to what Heather is feeling at the moment she is writing her suicide note. However, I would go into more detail about how nervous this makes her that she is literally about to end her life with a bullet. How simple the action is but how big the effect will end up being. In the letter I like how you compare a broken soul to health problems.

" There is no miracle medicine that can cure the soul like you cure cancer. There are no soul transplants like there are heart transplants, because some things can't be that easily replaced."

This shows that although doctors are seen as people that can cure everything, they can not fix something that you are struggling with internally with is a good comparison.

Another thing I would change is the way you repeat "love" and "dearest". I get that this puts emphasis on who she was to her mother, but I think that it was over said. Maybe say it a few times and say how Heather feels about being her mothers "dearest" daughter. Go into the details of how her death will effect her mom, the readers are kind of left confused as to why she is doing this if her and her mom are that close.

Also you say, "a piece of my broken soul in paintings that I made after our fights." this makes it seem that the reason she is killing herself has something big to do with her mother. Maybe go into more detail on the reasons she is making this big decision.

Otherwise I like your writing, the idea is very deep and interesting.




acm says...


Thanks for the review. I'll add that.



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Points: 931
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Thu Oct 15, 2015 2:47 pm
mermaidgal wrote a review...



Hi! I really liked this short story. Your title caught my attention right away and I was curious to know where she was going or what was happening. I almost thought maybe the mother was passing away and she was sick.
I know that the purpose was probably to keep it short so it was almost shocking, but I feel that adding detail and possibly flashbacks would make the story even more shocking and heartbreaking.

On her desk there was a gun, the one her father used to use.

At this point I questioned if something happened to her dad. Maybe add in a flashback or possibly even describe her dad. This just brought up a lot of questions for me. Did her dad die? Did he leave her and her mom? Is he part of the reason that everything became too much on her?

At the beginning of the story I felt there also could have been more description. Heather knows she is about to commit suicide but maybe talk about her looking around her room and seeing pictures or seeing her artwork and give the reader more ideas about what her life was like. Like I said, I felt like I just had so many questions regarding Heather. I wanted to know more about her.

Of course I found it interesting that she was writing just to her mother (like I said, questions about her father) but some more description about how she felt towards her mother could be included before and during the letter.
I don’t deserve to be called your love or your dearest

Again more questions regarding did she do something? Or was her relationship with her mom not actually that good. Did they fight a lot?

The story was really shocking and moving in such a short amount of writing. I loved how you handled a touchy subject and made it clear to the reader without having to spell it out or actually say it. I loved reading it, and that’s a big reasons why I did have so many questions. Great work, keep it up! :)




acm says...


Thanks for the review. I'll add some more details.



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8 Reviews

Points: 48
Reviews: 8

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Thu Oct 15, 2015 2:05 am
Mikayla386 says...



Wow, just wow it was, despite its size, really moving. It did get slightly repetitive, but besides that it was really good.




acm says...


Thank you!



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64 Reviews

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Thu Oct 15, 2015 1:16 am
Winter257 wrote a review...



Hey acm! Saw this, and decided to read it quickly. And I must say, I was not at all dissatisfied.

As I may have said before, it's hard for me to feel empathy for characters/narrations in writing. But, this pulled pretty hard at my heart. I literally found myself tearing up as I read this. I loved how you started off by describing what Heather was doing, and then continuing onto the letter. The way you added that the gun was her father's somehow made my heart begin racing. It being her father's gun made it that much more emotional for me. Then how Heather began writing that her mother continued to call her love and dear, but she called her mother much worse things, really emphasized the bit of guilt she seemed to feel. I think many people can relate, as we tend to say pretty harsh things to our parents and end up regretting it later. However, the way this is mentioned into her letter, just made it emotional and sad.

I really don't have anything negative to say about this peice. In my opinion, it was very well-written, and made me very emotional reading it. I hope to read more of your work soon!




acm says...


Thank you for the review!




Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant