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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
It was short but it was very deep. You have explained a realistic side of education and are showing just how big of an echo chamber we live in. The school system is outdated and I agree something needs to be changed. You use punctuation and a range of sentences to make it dramatic sad or sound more angry. I don't see any grammatical errors so on that front it is pretty good. There was such a good rhythm to it since you used rhyming to make it catchy. I was bopping my head along to it and I can clearly imagine this poem which is just made out of words being spoke to me. It is impressive how you got your point across and it is something that is usually ignored by people. WE NEED TO WAKE UP.
Keep it up man. We need more excellent poems like this
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem which expresses various opinions concerning our present society and its rules. Since it is entitled Freedom, let's delve momentarily on that concept.
One thing to keep in mind about freedom, is that total freedom, or unrestrained freedom, can easily lead to anarchy. Anarchy leads to the abuse of the weaker members of society at the hands of the stronger. In other words, the weak become enslaved because of the absence of law enforcement. But to have law enforcement we need laws to enforce and that's where our freedom becomes involved again.
Freedom of speech or express an opinion, to own property, of worship, the right to life, and to pursuit of happiness. are OK long as they don't deprive others of their own. For example my right to own property does not justify theft. My right to worship does not justify persecution of others who worship differently. My right to express an opinion does not justify slander or libel.
Please note that since poems express ideas which a reader must evaluate. A poem can be written very skillfully. Yet, it's message must be in harmony with logic. So my suggestion is to remove the section which promotes anarchy by criticizing the establishment of laws. If what remains is logical, then that should become the body of the poem. IMHO
Total Freedom Leads to Chaos
http://montessorimasala1.blogspot.com/2 ... chaos.html
Thank you for your kind review!
Hey there Zelda. There's a bit to go over so let's just get started.
Major thing outside of any content, is just organization. This pops up in the separation of stanzas or really the lack of. And then the lack of flow in the lines, where random thoughts are just being spit out and the poet takes no real effort to make them into anything.
That's really what bothered me about this poem, is that there's no effort in it. The whole thing is just some teenage rant about school and not wanting to do it, and it just reminds me of every person working a dead end job who still says "school isn't important". That's the vibe I get and if that's what you were going for, whoop ti doo, because that's what you got.
Now let's talk about how this can be a little less bad, it can never really be good with the current attitude you have towards organization, but it can be more palatable to a reader.
One of the more carefree, I'm not putting any effort into this, sections, is the rhyme scheme. Which is pretty nonexistent. Like it pops up occasionally in the lines and it's obviously been purposely done that way, but the effort isn't put in, in any other spot.
So all I'm going to say for that is please develop a more regular rhyme scheme or ditch it all the way.
And I guess it's also obvious that you're in love with using sarcasm in your poems, which ya know I understand. I do it a fair bit when I want to cheat a bit and can't get the full thought out, but the poem never really stops slacking, so I can't appreciate any comedy.
I don't find any of this funny either so maybe that's my problem.
Not sure where you're going to school that some teacher gets joy out of beating you down, but uh it doesn't sound like much more to me than forced rhyme. Like if you wanted to introduce the idea that school only caters to a certain ideal, it should have a little bit more of a lead in, before jumping straight to that line.
The punctuation and caps and flow was doing kinda alright up to this point, but now it's just died. Like decide if you want every line to be capped, or undercase, or have it as split sentences. And if you're going to split on a line that's really the end of the line, please add some piece of punctuation there. The drop off is just way too steep for my tastes and like everything else in this poem, the reader never has a chance to catch their breath.
Caps and punctuation changes in. Another example of why you need to work on that.
And please don't even try to justify "heard" and "herd" as a rhyme scheme.
This bothers me so much just on the basis of rhyming, because i just explained a few lines back about why you can't do this. You can't keep rhyming different versions of the same word that sounds exactly the same, just because you feel like stressing that point. If you wanted to keep using 'right' throughout the stanza, a bit of organization could have had it landing in the middle, so obviously this was all purposeful.
Also do a bit of spell check next time.
I should probably comment on your message but it hasn't changed since the beginning. It's all the same justification about the speaker knowing so much better and placing blame on anything in the vicinity.
And that's all that it keeps to for the rest of the poem, so I don't see any reason for me to keep commenting. Like you're just gonna try and fight me on my criticisms on this little speech here, and I've covered all the major points anyways.
I think I'll duck out before I cause any more trouble or repeat myself.
Oops... I forgot to mention it was lyrical... Sorry about that! I had the rhythm in my head!
Sarcasm? I actually meant what I said. I like school and learning, and school itself is just a smaller part of the message of this poem.
It is a forced rhyme. I was just following the rhythm in my head and it didn't sound very good when I'd written it down.
I agree, the punctuation is kind of bad. This is more of a poem in progress than a contest entry, so don't take it too seriously.
It works. You can rhyme with the same words. But I meant this is NOT a complaint.
I get what you mean about the rhyme scheme, but that's not what I was going for. Again, I had a rhythm in my head and not everything rhymed but it sounded good to me. This poem is mainly for my own expression and doesn't sound very good when viewed objectively.
Fight you? Why would I do that? You're just being honest about your opinions, which is exactly what reviews should do. And I'm not blaming everything on school itself, but stating that we need to return to a more natural state of being. An entire 41% of people get cancer in their lifetime, which is mainly from an unhealthy diet. Many people lack logical problem-solving skills and the ability to reason thanks to brainwashing in childhood. Teen suicide and depression rates are higher than ever due to the unloving environment in school (at least in mine).
I... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to make you angry. I honestly just wanted to share how I felt... I didn't think of the rhyme scheme... I'm considering deleting this if it's really that painful to read. I'm sorry if in your mind I'm some whining 10th grader who plans to drop out and thinks school is pointless, but that couldn't be farther from the case. @LadyLizz
@LadyLizz
I just reread my poem with your criticism in mind. I see how the rhyme scheme is bad but I won't delete it. I like reading it to the rhythm I have imagined and I think my point is valid. The lack of self-expression/exploration in schools, as well as the overall atmosphere of other students, needs to be worked on, but school is very beneficial overall compared to being lazy and doing nothing. Please don't hate me for a misunderstanding of lyrics. I'm sorry if I'm overreacting to this, but it seems like reading my poem has put you in a really bad mood.
Please feel free ot ignore my advice it is not meant to offend you hurt you or make your story seem bad or demean it. However I advise that you brace yourself for impact. That said . . .
1. What I liked
Yes!!!!! Finally the truth about American education revealed! Yeah! I loved this. It was brave of you to write this at all. Well done!
2. Flow & Style
Okay first of all it was ofputting how after a big bold letterng statement you suddenly change the format let me show you-
Now it's time to wake up, wake up and see what we've done,
time to see that what we need is not black and white, it's-
Maybe consider changing it. Also I think this sentence might need some work-
inside a box of learning- no, more like a prison
learning all about the past but not the world we live in!
Maybe it's that dash I don't know. But what I would do is take out that box of learning and then use prison.
Trapped in a prison of learning.
learning all about the past but not about the world we live in!
See the difference?
2. Encouragment
This was good finally I've found a opinon about schools from a student. That was cool. Finally someone said what are they doing to us? That was brave and we need more things like this-Keep that up!!
3. Overall
Overall I loved this.
Thank you! It was about school and the world in general. The government didn't buy the Earth! It's ours. We should not have to pay them or deal with their laws, just be compassionate and use logic.