Okay so before reading this short story. I'd like to let you all know this is something I had to do for a school assignment, but I felt like sharing it here anyways. To give you some context, the assignment was to write a story (Max. 1 page) about a character with the same faults I/we/whatever/ have/has. This is very bare bones because of the length (And time) limit, but I think this was a good exercise anyways. Please review :D
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Once upon a time, when knights in plate armor enforced the law, and noblemen ruled society. There was a petty thief called Azure, a young and agile boy indeed. Brown eyes and pale skin, Azure was rejected from most places, for the union that gave him life was sacrilege and blasphemy against the empire. He lived one day at the time, without much worries, but he’d always try to get something out of someone’s pockets Like most thieves, Azure found himself immersed in the world of crime with the speed of a blink. He’d steal properties to then sell them, or take contracts of blackmailing and espionage. With such a way of living, he and other thieves, always had a blade with them, just in case things got dirty.
Azure had never seen himself in the situation where his petty dagger would be of use for the purpose it was made with. It’d always be used to pry windows open, or cut a rope. One could say he had a “thief’s luck”. Never got caught, never seen, never had any problem with the guards. But he always told himself that if the moment was to come, he’d thrust that blade of his deep into a guard’s throat, and leave the poor bastard bleeding on the ground; that he'd feel no doubt, no remorse. It’s one of the business’ perks. But always, when the night fell over his head, Azure couldn’t get any sleep, he’d lay on a bed in the sewers, were most thieves had their whereabouts, just to, minutes later, get up covered in sweat, dagger in hand. He’d go out and climb up a random house to wait for the sunrise, and let his body fall asleep from exhaustion.
Azure suffered from insomnia, he went with all the witches, warlocks and medics the city held, trying to find a way to rest again. But they’d all give him the same answer: “What do you fear, child?” And he would always reply, head bowed and eyes closed, “Nothing.”
“Then I cannot help you.”
One day, at dark, a man came to Azure, offering him the work that’d solve most of his monetary problems for the next few years. Infiltrate in the prison’s administration, and alterate a few papers. Easy job. Azure, with no second thought, accepted the job and set himself to get it done that same night, he wasn’t going to sleep anyways.
Azure reached the prison before sunrise. He took his dagger and pried open a window in the second floor. With ease, he entered into the building, if his knowledge was correct, the records were in the first floor, on a counter next to the guard’s stand. At that time of the night, there shouldn’t have been anyone awake. Azure kneeled and walked, keeping his head low, and his body in the shadows, that way he reached the records in no time. “Yes, now, my life is solved! I could start anew, in a different town, a different name…” he thought.
Behind him, stood a guard, little older than him. Azure, dagger in hand, turned to face him the second he saw the silhouette blocking the light. The boy was about to scream, Azure knew it from the expression on his face. His mind was blank, before he heard a whisper in his ear. “What do you fear… child.”
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139,019 Literary Works • 672,397 Reviews
Hey there Zackymas. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Unfortunately no intro today, I'm on a tight schedule and I'm just doing this review in between classes.
This is your description from the main page and I admit I haven't done description analysis in awhile. There are parts of this that are then nearing cliche zone but still exciting and nothing interesting. That is what the first paragraph sounded like and that's what the description sounds like too. In my mind, I can hear where the pause should be for the creepy effect. I know why you used the ellipsis but they just don't work there. It would be so much better to just leave a comma and let the readers decide for themselves, how much pause to give it.
Okay and then there were a couple of sentences that need a couple of edits. Some edits are in read others are listed below the quote.
1. I am pretty sure that these two sentences were supposed to be joined. I mean they don't make any sense separate. So even if they were not intended to be together, they need to be combined.
2. "When knights in plate armor"
I'm not even going to comment about the history conflicts of what you have stated. But this sentence is not really the best way to start. You already have a weakened beginning with the fairy tale intro so you need the knights to be striking instead of plain knights. Maybe by commenting on the armor, like "blinding silver". Just a thought.
1. Who the heck is Azure? You went from knights in shining armor to some guy named Azure. There needs to be some sort of transition between the two but I'm not sure of the best way to go about it.
1. The last part of the second sentence sounds a bit funky with the phrasing. It might be best to compare the thieving obsession with another quick action.
Besides that I don't have any further edits. I could have gone on for a bit longer, I didn't want to overlap with the rest of the reviewers. One comment real quick and then I'll take about the other things. Some of your sentences are pretty long but don't need split up. Which is an odd way for me to state things but I think I meant it as a compliment. Yeah I can't talk to people, just ignore most of those comments.
One other quick note. It might be best for that last sentence to get its own line. You can tell that it was meant as the strongest emotion point of your story. That's why I surprised to find it at the end of your story, where it would weaker. It was helpful that you put it once or twice in the middle. You still might want to pose the question with a more tense situation for better, stronger emotion.
Ahh. The actual story itself is pretty good but a little average. I mean thief, days of old, guilt wrenching through mind, messes up somewhere. I've seen this a lot but I read a lot so I shouldn't really judge. I also understand that this was written with time restraints but you might have wanted to develop it further. You have the original but then before publishing here, touch it up a bit and add some more description and actions. Just to make the story clearer and more interesting.
Well that's about all I have for today. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore words of advice/comments, that is depending on how you take them.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
Updates to Answer Your Questions
1. History conflict wasn't the best way for me to go. The wording is what stick out to me because even though it was true, I have never heard it referred to by that. It's simply armor or a specific metal type of armor or chain mail. I've never heard of someone calling it plate armor. I was also sort of pondering over the fact that the Knights in armor were the police. Because it sounds like this would have been a hotter climate but instead everybody is marching around in metal. You can see how easily confused that gets in my mind.
2. Note that I was incorrect on your introduction of Azure. I shouldn't have rushed my review.
3. That makes a bit more sense.
4. I just meant in this case the question was sort of weak because it was connected. It was just blended in with everything else. I would have expected it to be a completely separate thought.
5. Nothing to say, yet.
6. I understand the time limits and I've tried them before. I always do basic edits before saving them. I haven't yet published them except this one. That comment wasn't necessary to my review. I was trying to not completely mix up my thoughts but it's just that this time restraint out a restraint on the storyline. Everything happened too quickly for the number of paragraphs. You could keep all the events and slow it down a pit or ditch something here and there.
Thanks for the reply. Your reply confused me a bit in some areas to be honest, so if you could clarify what I'm about to point that'd be awesome
(I don't even know what to do with the 'Once upon a time' anymore, every tells me something different about it, some say it must go, others say it's better there :/ )
"I'm not even going to comment about the history conflicts of what you have stated. "
How does 'knights in plate armor' state a history conflict? There wasn't an age where knights used plate armor?
"Who the heck is Azure? You went from knights in shining armor to some guy named Azure. There needs to be some sort of transition between the two but I'm not sure of the best way to go about it."
Literally, I introduced him the previous sentence :S here:
"There was a petty thief called Azure, a young and agile boy indeed"
"The last part of the second sentence sounds a bit funky with the phrasing. It might be best to compare the thieving obsession with another quick action."
What I meant wasn't that he was obsessed with stealing, but that the amount of time it took for that 'world' to 'take' him was short. I'm not sure if I'm wording it correctly so I'm gonna put an example:
A hitman commits his first murder, there's no turning back now. Other hitmen know about him, contractors know about him.
"That's why I surprised to find it at the end of your story, where it would weaker."
So if something is set right at the end of the story, it becomes weaker? Or you mean at the end of the last paragraph?
"You still might want to pose the question with a more tense situation for better, stronger emotion."
I can't really think of another situation honestly, since this is the situation that directly confronts his fear (That'd he some day have to take a life, even if he thinks that is no problem for him.), but I'm totally open to suggestions :3
"You have the original but then before publishing here, touch it up a bit and add some more description and actions. Just to make the story clearer and more interesting." Doing that would have made the time restraint (for me as a writer) pointless. I took that restraint as a personal challenge, to see what was the best I could do within that deadline~
Sorry for any confusion. I was but a rushed this afternoon and trying to type everything on a mobile keyboard. I'll make a few edits and clarifications when I get back to an actual computer.
Hello, Zackymas. Keepwriting here to drop a review in your hand.
This was rather good. I liked the repeated question, "What do you fear, child?" But let me jump into the review since I don't like to flatter the writer too much.
Okay, comma after 'time'. 'Centuries ago' isn't necessary since you said 'when knights' then we already know it was probably in the medieval ages.
Azura sounds feminine and it doesn't suit his personality at all. I guess if you really wanted to keep the name you could say 'Azure' instead which is more masculine.
I'd take 'and such' out it's not necessary and it makes your writing look less professional.
'It's what he lived for' doesn't need to be in there we already know this about him since he's a thief.
The hyphen has no relevance to this sentence. It just distracts the reader.
Okay, you just said he used the dagger when things got dirty so don't say it's little otherwise he's still defenseless.
Again he wouldn't be using the dagger to pry open windows if it was a small dagger.
Again unreal expectations out of a small dagger and if the person we're talking about here is just a child then yes he would be feeling remorse.
Choppy, boring sentences from our modern society.
It takes two hyphens to make a dash. Also, you bring up the dagger too much it's almost like it's the new main character.
Comma after 'closed'.
'One 6th day' is irrelevant to this story. We don't know anything about time and then you just introduced it here which is confusing. What day was it when the story began? 'during nighttime' although it isn't correct sounds a bit childish--something a child would say. I'd change it to: "At dark".
Comma after 'Yes'. Also you said he never had trouble with guards and such. Why then would he need a new name if no one knew him?
Okay, if Azura is a young boy then the guard would be a lot taller than him.
Nice ending!
Sorry, if this was too long you gave me too much to criticize. Anyway, keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keep
Thanks for reviewing
"Okay, comma after 'time'. 'Centuries ago' isn't necessary since you said 'when knights' then we already know it was probably in the medieval ages."
I already made a small change here (Removed 'Once upon a time'), but I'll see how I can work around it
"Azura sounds feminine and it doesn't suit his personality at all. I guess if you really wanted to keep the name you could say 'Azure' instead which is more masculine."
It was just the first name that came to mind, again, I only had 45 minutes :p
"I'd take 'and such' out it's not necessary and it makes your writing look less professional."
Consider it done~
"'It's what he lived for' doesn't need to be in there we already know this about him since he's a thief."
So "It's what he lived for" should be removed. Consider it done~
"The hyphen has no relevance to this sentence. It just distracts the reader."
Yeah I'm still learning to use that :p
"Okay, you just said he used the dagger when things got dirty so don't say it's little otherwise he's still defenseless."
Okay wait a second, maybe I worded it wrong but what I meant is that in case something went wrong, they'd have a 'backup' plan. Not that it has already happened it to him. It's like those people who have 20 years preparing for the apocalypse.
"Okay, you just said he used the dagger when things got dirty so don't say it's little otherwise he's still defenseless."
"Little" is meant to represent, the dagger isn't really that useful (But it's not useless).
"Again unreal expectations out of a small dagger and if the person we're talking about here is just a child then yes he would be feeling remorse."
He's not actually a child, he's called child by the medics and stuff since they are way older than him. It's like when an old marine calls every male 'boy'. But maybe I worded it wrong :p Also, I didn't mean he'd feel no remorse, but that he thought he'd feel no remorse. Again, I most likely worded it wrong :p
"Choppy, boring sentences from our modern society."
OKay I shalt remove it, but why is that sentence 'choppy' and 'boring'? Just curiosity, don't answer if you don't want to.
"It takes two hyphens to make a dash. Also, you bring up the dagger too much it's almost like it's the new main character."
In essence, it is. ^-^; the dagger represents one of the MC's fears. But I'm sure there are other ways to express this so my bad.
"'One 6th day' is irrelevant to this story. We don't know anything about time and then you just introduced it here which is confusing. What day was it when the story began? 'during nighttime' although it isn't correct sounds a bit childish--something a child would say. I'd change it to: "At dark"."
If my knowledge is wrong (ANd most likely it is), in the medieval era, days still didn't have names and were named by the order they came, so 6th day=Saturday. But I'm most likely wrong :p
"Also you said he never had trouble with guards and such. Why then would he need a new name if no one knew him?"
Because even though he wasn't looked by the empire, once you are inside the criminal life, getting out of it isn't as easy as getting in.
"Okay, if Azura is a young boy then the guard would be a lot taller than him."
I said older, not taller. The way I see it, Azura would be around 18-21. So the guard would be around 23~27. Maybe I was vague there. Sorry :p
"Nice ending!"
Thanks
Oh I also forgot to mention, the dagger being called 'small' and the MC being refereed to as child' both are closely engaged with almost the same meaning. It's about maturity, expectations and will. Sorry x.x
Haha that's fine. Sorry, for the lengthy review. Haha. xD
So now that some edit's been done. Whatdaya' think? :v
Heya, Zackymas!!
I loved the story. The plot is awesome, and it is short and sweet. The story was unique with a unique ending, which puts me in a deep thought. I loved this one! A small nit picky thing though,
This is Eros here to review your beautiful piece of work!!
So, Lets begin with the title. A good title must be short, sutable and related to the story. I am very happy to see that your title fulfils all the above criterias, and on the top is attractive too.
In the first line:
"Once upon a time. Centuries ago, when knights in plate armor enforced the law, and noblemen ruled society."
It'd be better if you cut "Once upon a time". Because the next wods, "Centuries ago" describes everything.
Rest, the main idea of the story is really interesting, and the choice of words that you have used here, fts soooo beautifully. I loved this. I am deeply impressed by this wonderful work!
Everyhing is SUPERB!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Beacause we all love to keep reading beauiful works like this one...
Have a nice day/night!
Thanks a lot for this beautiful review
but yeah that first sentence was feeling a little off place when writing it, I didn't really have time to check it all before sending it to my teacher (Literally, it was "You got 45 minutes. Write. Send") but I'll change it asap.
Thanks
You did a GREAT job! I appreciate your ability to write sooo beautifully in just 45 min.!!!! "