A high pitched scream filled the saloon and shuted the music down. Everyone stopped dancing. People directed their gazes to the woman crying on the floor. Their eyes widened when they saw the pool of blood beneath her. More screams flooded the room and those who didn’t participate of the chant of despair covered their ears to not be left deaf. Someone was murdered.
Martin dropped the vase he was cleaning a second ago, and ran off the bar to see, still not aware of what happened. He could barely move through the forest of expensive tuxedos and revealing dresses. He saw the man dropped on the floor with a gap where his neck is supposed to be. He had served the man a martini just a few minutes ago. His body turned into a hedgehog, every single hair converted into a still and rect spike. His hands began to sweat and short-lived tears sprung from his eyes. He hadn’t noticed his mouth was wide open until a fly decided to make its way down his throat.
“Everyone please calm down,” someone a man began through the microphone on the scaffold, “This is the ship’s security speaking. Everyone please walk calmly to your rooms.”
Uniformed men entered through the large wooden doors behind the crowd. They made their way to the corpse and established a perimeter, pushing all civilians away. Martin kept his distance. He was one of the first to leave the room. He untied his bowtie and moved to the railing. He stared down into the liquid abyss that would mean only death to him. He hastened a cigarette out of his pocket, then a lighter, almost dropping the later thanks to his shaky hands. He let the unsavory smoke travel down his pharynx. Into his lungs. Three seconds after, the smoke turned its way up and outside Martin’s system.
His mind was blank. “This is your captain speaking,” the megaphone just a few feet above his head surprised Martin. “Please make your way to your rooms and remain in their insides. An investigation is proceeding and for the well-being of all our passengers, we beg you stay put.”
Most people were already shivering down their blankets. Only the ship’s crew was out. Martin locked himself in a room in the between deck hold iia. He wanted peace. Time for numbness was gone. He had to think now. That was totally a murder, in the middle of the crowd. The man’s head was tore off his body. Without anyone looking. Yep. Completely reasonable. Martin shook his head, trying to send the sarcasm away. This was serious. Someone was murdered. That means someone else could be killed tonight.
The lightbulb shimmered. Martin turned it on and off a couple times. It died. He heard a loud tug, as if the engines room had suddenly been moved closer. Just until this moment he forgot there were others in the hold, just outside his room.
Two more thuds. Louder. “What the-” A voice died before it could finish its curses. Martin hid behind the counter. Again, tug. He could barely see anything. The darkness and proximity of the walls overwhelmed him. He felt it digging into his heart, with care, like an old lady knitting a scarf. Slowly progressing. At first he could barely notice. But then seconds became minutes. And minutes turned into hours. There were no more sounds besides the ship’s engine roaring, turned into a faint scream from a far away place.
Something warm grazed his feet. From under the counter. He touched it. Water? Sure it was liquid. Seawater isn’t this warm, or thick. It took him a moment to realize.
He immediately crawled until his back met the wall. He placed one hand on his heart. The other covered his mouth. He felt the force forming in his stomach. His heartbeat rising both in strength and speed. The urge to let air create vibrations in his throat that would be traduce to the world as a scream. To others, as a beacon.
He swallowed. The need flickered. He uncovered his mouth. His lips twitched to form syllables and words far from human comprehension besides utter madness. Everything turned cold. Even the blood.
Two more thuds.
Echoes?
Surely. Whatever it was; It wasn’t there anymore. Martin rose, careful not to produce the most minimum sound. He held his breathing and measured his steps. He unlocked the door. Slowly, the metal door opened, but only a few inches. Martin peeked out. The emergency light was on. The red shimmer died and revived two times per second. A numb siren accompanied it. On the floor, a pool of red -almost black liquid was formed. Dozens of extremities floated in it. There were no corpses. Only arms and legs and heads. Though Martin could not differ any from the other.
He swallowed the urge to let his meal exit his body through his mouth. He noticed cuts on the metal walls. Definitely not a knife. He let the cool out for a second, trying not to lose his already weakened grasp on reality. The thought of this being a nightmare scared him more than if it was real. That’d mean his brain is much more wicked than he thought.
Thuds again.
Martin froze in place.
Three thuds.
The sound was louder. It was nearby. Martin tried to think. He couldn’t. He tried to move. That he could, at least. He jumped a crate and closed his eyes. Waiting.
Four thuds. It was here.
Martin heard the splashes of steps on the blood. His heart slowed to a crawl. The steps grew louder. Martin felt a weak breeze hit his nose. No. It wasn’t breeze. He opened his eyes to be met with a black void. His gaze lowered two centimeters.
It wasn’t a void.
Those were jaws.
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I do agree with Tigeraye for the most part. I really liked this story, but specific examples will be for the main praises. However, I will say that it showcased a good deal of show, don't tell, and while the environment wanted a little bit more description and the monster itself I think could've used a bit more description, I felt like this was a frightful bit of fun.
But anyway.
The Beginning
Alright, so while I do agree that beginning with a hook is a good idea, I do complain often how authors mistake "action" for "hook". "Hook" is when something surprising occurs. "Action" is just action. Hooks usually depend on some revelation of a character's quirk or something the audience might not expect from an ordinary story ("When Jamie was twelve, he used to paint pictures of his dog with his own blood.") "Action", while perhaps unexpected at some points, can definitely be a bore if the readers have seen it before. And I can tell you, screaming women and a murder in the salloon is something I've seen before. If you wanted to make it more impactful, have it be closer to the characters involved. Perhaps the woman who was standing next to the murdered man may have felt much more scared than the bored, omnipresent three-dimensional narrator? Who knows. But know how to hook your reader, not give them random action scenes without any character to back it up.
The Ending
While it was definitely a good move to just show us the jaws and not the actual beast (this is from Martin's POV after all), I still felt as if I didn't have quite the image of the beast in my head yet. It's something invisible and scary, which is the point, but in all this confusion I don't feel scared like the characters do--I just feel sort of confused. "What is the author doing?" I'm asking. "What's happening in this scene? What does the author mean by 'thud'? Does he mean footprints or bites?" A bit unclear, could use more descriptions in the fashion you've already given.
Main Criticisms
-Your voice was a little distant, in my opinion. This is a sort of no-no in horror, since horror is a very character-oriented genre (along with romance) and depends on the audience actually wanting to see the characters survive/die, thus being scared when the characters are in danger. With that said, your voice was too distant for me to relate with any of the dying people involved. The closest I got was Martin, and even then I was never given a reason why I should be afraid for him. Is he a nice guy? Does he have a family back home? Or is he just another prop for the monster to kill?
Main Praises
-With that said, your descriptions do know when they should stop describing. I do wish you described the monster, but when you mentioned the liquid-thing that Martin was touching, you never said the word 'blood' until several paragraphs later, but it's still quite clear for anybody whose actually followed the plot of the story. Good job on that part, your show don't tell is excellent there.
-And while your characters are wanting, I do like how you build a scene. It's a very suspenseful story, and it shows, and I liked how you built it up from the one murder to the next to the next. Very nice.
Take care,
--Elliot.
Now this I really liked. You had me hooked from the start, and just like your other stories I've read I really loved the sense of mystery you insert the entire way. The pacing here was much better, the plot was great and I especially loved the twist at the end. Sometimes you devolve into using purple prose, (like using pharynx instead of throat) but it's not that impeding. I love good murder mysteries, but I'm not always so sure they work as shorts. As reader I want to know "who did it", but without any other characters introduce, that novelty is gone. However, you made it work regardless by taking a different approach, and I appreciate that all the same.
The thing that sticks out to me as an oddity in this paragraph was "He wanted peace". Peace can mean quiet, but it also means calmness of the mind, which is the opposite of the thinking he wanted to do. I would replace "peace" with "a quiet location for thinking" or just leave that short sentence out altogether as it doesn't impact the paragraph.
That's a pretty big leap in logic that impacts the flow of the story -- usually just because there's a murder, doesn't mean another one will occur. To fix this, you could just have this be the second murder, have the first one already be before the story took place. That way it's not unreasonable to say "oh no, there might be another murder. I need to investigate who did it"
This part confuses me...is he the one bleeding?
The location also confuses me -- the story is named ship, but then the story starts in a saloon, then later on we end up on what apparently is a ship. Does the ship actually have a saloon? If so, it'd be easy to clarify by changing "saloon" in the first paragraph to "ship's saloon"
Despite my critiques, I definitely liked this one a lot. Nice work, thanks for sharing.
Hey there thanks for the review~
No, he's not the one bleeding. A few paragraphs above that I state he feels a liquid and describe it as blood (without actually mentioning blood) so I thought by this time the reader would know blood was going into the room from under the door.