[Disclaimer: This is my random late night 10-minute no edit no read writing. Regardless, be as nitpicky as possible and utterly destroy this garbage :3]
A dark sky, a bloodied tree. A young hound flashes through the environment. He feels the winds razing against his wet tongue.
A man sees the tree. He sees nothing else around, just a tree, with a messy whole lot of blood on it. His eyes widen, his breathing becomes heavy, he must open his mouth to let air out, he grabs on tight to his leather jacket, a gangrenous yell forms a top his throat, with oxygen being condensed in his lungs.
The hound senses a presence. He sees nothing, yet everything. He smells it. A new fragrance. It had been on the trail for some time already, but now it was close. Too close. The hound runs again.
The man takes the time to actually think. “My phone is in my pocket. I must get it. Now. How? Right. I have to put my hand in it. Is it there? Is that what I touch? Maybe this is just a piece of plastic from that toy. No. Wait. It’s here. Thank God,” somehow these thoughts appeal to his subconscious, and oppress the unfelt need to scream.
Then, a branch cracks.
The hound finds ‘it.’ His dark fur covers his presence. He is watching. He is smelling. He is listening. He is sensing.
Then, a branch cracks.
The man turns around. His eyes like a rollercoaster, going everywhere and anywhere. He puts his hand in his pocket and takes out his phone. With it comes out a small piece of plastic. The plastic falls to the ground. The man notices and his attention goes to it. It’s blue. It has a small mark on it. The man leans in closer.
Then, a shadow covers him.
The hound jumps out of the shadows. He found it. He needed it. He charged to it. Our little hound sensed something.
Then, a shadow covers him.
A dark sky, two bloodied trees.
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139,023 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
This is interesting...
Don't call it "Garbage", I usually write my stories in a very short amount of time, sometimes with not much though (My works are mostly silly).
Mistakes:
"The man takes the time to actually think. “My phone is in my pocket. I must get it. Now. How? Right. I have to put my hand in it. Is it there? Is that what I touch? Maybe this is just a piece of plastic from that toy. No. Wait. It’s here. Thank God,” somehow these thoughts appeal to his subconscious, and oppress the unfelt need to scream."
Shorts sentences in small paragraphs look ugly. Plus, "I must get get it and I have to put my hand on it." aren't actual sentences. Other than ugly, short sentences, there was nothing else that I found wrong. I know you didn't really try but still, good job!
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, so as far to call your own story garbage -- some of my personal favorites I've written were done the same way you did this one. Seeing the writer of the story call it garbage before I even start to read it. If you think it's garbage, why should I go in expecting anything else?
But I digress, this was far from garbage. It's quite unique, you won't see too many stories switching back and forth from viewpoints like that. And the twist at the end was also surprising and very titillating. I've never thought of how slow humans can process and see things differently than dogs.
Overall, it's interesting, memorable, and easy to follow, and I can't ask for much more from a story than that. I have no criticism. Thanks for sharing.
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
I wasn't so sure about this whole thought process. It felt a bit disjointed and each thought doesn't really link well with the next.Nit-picks
Overall thoughts
Story plot: So the story plot that you had here was rather interesting. It grabbed my attention and didn't really disappoint at all. Your whole plot was unlike anything I've ever seen and was almost poetic in the way you told it. The beginning and the end echoed each other with a few differences. As far as the plot goes, I really liked it. It was simple and yet interesting.
Characters: Now for the characters. I felt like this was where you could expand quite a bit. I don't really feel anything for the hound or man at the end of the story and I never really got to know why they were there. First off you'd want to give at least a little bit of information on why these two creatures are traveling through this place. Do they know each other? Then you'd want to build up the relationship between the characters and the reader. Give me more of what they are feeling. What was the man's last thoughts? Wasn't he scared? And the hound, did he yelp as the shadow fell over him? Just a bit more work here would do a great amount of good.
Description: Here is also where I thought you could expand a bit. Just give me a bit more imagery. Was the moon shining? Was the wind blowing? Could you hear the haunting calls of owls far away? Just a bit more description could benefit you in two ways. The first being that your reader would be able to in vision your story better and the second being that you could build the suspense.
Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hello! My name is Gummy, and I'm here to review your work today! ...To be honest, this is actually a pretty acceptable work in my eyes. It could just be me, but this work doesn't scream "garbage" like you said it would. Anyway, I'll just get to how this works: So, I'll be posting the good news first before picking at the nicks of my own choosing. With that said, let's get right into the review.
First of all, I wanted to say that there were points in the plot that are really up to the reader's imagination...
("But Gummy! You said you were going to state the good parts of the story before going on to the bad parts! Why are you breaking your own format like this!?")
...Calm down, Comments Section, you know that leaving cliffhangers like that isn't necessarily a bad thing if it's done correctly. Yes, this is one of those cases. The story is indeed quite chilling and suspenseful, and by driving the plot really slow-like after raising the tension past a certain point, you can actually make very good use of the chilling effect.
Let's not forget about the repetition used constantly as an intermission between the different paragraphs. Not only do these lines repeat twice over to provoke more tension in the reader, but the very last line also goes back to pay homage to the very first line in the story. Consider it a macabre version of the children's tune "99 Bottles of Milk on the Wall".
With that said, there are some occasions where I, as a reader, was left a little stumped as to the importance of a few plot details that you've strewn here and there throughout the story. For example, we never get to see a sliver of the man's motivation and determination to find the... whatever they're looking for. Also, for some reason, I have an oddly special intrigue as to the blue piece of plastic that the man fished out of his pocket at the end. I wonder if this feeling was intentionally presented by you, the writer.
So that's pretty much it. I really liked this story, and it's actually pretty darn amazing for something written on the fly like that. I feel you have great potential and I'd love to see more from you in the Green Room sometime. I'd gladly give it a read. Best of luck in your future endeavors.
Signed,
Gummy~