In the darkest night, with rain and force the black knight struck.
There was a tale. A legend of a man of arms, one whose skill and power in the field made him almost unstoppable. His courage and wisdom led him to the highest ranks of the Southern Empire’s Army; his name was Euclides.
Euclides’s leadership won many battles, but during that one night, it was not enough. Euclides was sent to lead the most varied squads he had ever fought with. Casters, werewolves, knights, rogues, assassins, mutants, there was a bit of everything. Euclides was happy; he felt safe with such men at his side. The battle was against the Ravagers of the East, dumb but powerful creatures that attacked with swarm tactics and acted as a hive mind. Euclides received notice of a whole nest in the coast’s caves; around there laid several villages and docks that were in severe danger of being attacked. So Euclides, as a man of the shield, could not let such atrocities happen. He led his men through swamps and mountains, lakes and forests, all in hope he could reach the place before disaster hit.
More than once was the company attacked, but this did not let Euclides’s and his men’s spirit fall back. His armor shone with more light than it had ever done before, for innocent souls were at the stake; his shield had stopped so many deaths before, and that same shield punished the evil of heart countless times. He would not let that record be broken now. Not this way.
So the moment they reached the coast, Euclides took his helmet off, and said, “this we not do for honor, men. No. We are to do this for the lives of the unfortunate ones, the ones that could tomorrow be your spouse, or your children, or your father and your mother. We act for we are the ones with the power to do so, we are the ones with the power to protect!” words of wisdom he spoke, and with good reason. He knew this one might be his last crusade. He charged forth, and at first so did his men, but soon enough he found himself alone in a mass of claws and blood and gore. He, as always, fought valiantly and without remorse, but this time was different. There was a darkness in Euclides’s eyes. There was something more.
As many Ravagers as he had taken; Euclides met his end with a sawed-edge bone going all the way through both his lungs; the ravagers could not consume his corpse, for it fell to the ocean. In the darkest pits of the sea had he fallen. Euclides’s body met with a peculiar stone, and his soul with a singular spirit.
The Traveller, son of Jadd and spirit of “justice,” was how he presented himself to Euclides. He made him an offer, to obtain new life to destroy those who betrayed him and made him wrong, but Euclides did not accept, for he knew bloodshed only leads to bloodshed. This was not his decision though, for a small flicker had been already lit in his insides, and whether he wanted it or not, it was to happen.
So the seventh night, Euclides came back from the depths, stranded in a near beach. His armor now extirpated of all light and purity, shining not, but absorbing all incoming light as a hole in the darkness. A few sailors got a glimpse Euclides laying in that beach, but they dared not approach, for “the man in black armor, the knight with a black shield,” is who he was- in fact, who he is.
And as the wild waves that hit during that night that gave him birth, so is the falling of his shield over the heads of those who dared leave him- and the innocent, die in vain.
Euclides was his name, but his shield is his signature.
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This particular story almost seems poetic in nature, and I really like it!
I'm currently developing a story that exploits the nature of these legends and tales of the heroes of old, how their stories - told to the young and ambitious - make good coin for the so-called "storytellers."
Euclides' story is a sorrowful one, indeed: he was a famous war general (or Man at Arms) who led armies to war and was undefeated for many years. He fought his last battle against one he knew would probably be his last (in my story, he would be known as an "old man who refused to step down from the glorious title of 'storymaker,' which belongs only to those who are young and courageous enough to behold such a title).
In his last moments of life, he is regarded by a sort of eldritch god; a spirit of "justice," who promises Euclides with a new life to destroy those who had betrayed him. Although he accepted death, this spirit gave him no choice. Now he is the black knight, doomed to seek vengeance for the rest of his existence. A wonderful tale indeed.
There is minimal dialogue and not much in the way of improper word choice/grammar so there's not much to correct there. I thoroughly enjoyed your story and hope you keep writing!
Thanks
Well I just started a blog where I post my daily writing thingies (not enough time with college to make reviews to get points and post here XD) so if you are interested the link's in my wall \o/
Hey Zackymas! Geoff here for a short review because I don't have a lot of time. :>
Short stories/flash fiction is my forte and I'm going to be honest, there are some problems with this story. Right off the bat this reads like someone telling a story. There's a great hint in story writing (you've probably heard it before) which is "Show, don't tell." If what you're trying to is write a summary of a potentially awesome short story then great. You've succeeded.
But I'm guessing that wasn't your intention. I would recommend changing the wording of basically the entire story so it doesn't sound like a giant prologue.
I really like the plot and the general idea. It sounds like an awesome flash fiction bit if pulled off correctly. With some work it can be great! I believe in you, this has a lot of potential!
-Geoff
Hello. I'm not one for lengthy introductions; allow me to start the review.
This does not fulfill its purpose. Why am I reading this? To learn more about Euclides, or to read a story?To begin: you have a very short time to catch my attention (or, in fact, any reader's attention). I tend to be pickier than some. I'll be generous and give you four sentences.
Now, to be fair, a short story should achieve both purposes: education and entertainment. For me, this is the end goal. You should be able to communicate fact and history about your world and the story while simultaneously keeping the reader engaged and interested. If they're not interested, then what's keeping them reading? And if they're not educated, in some way, about the piece, then what's keeping you writing?
However, even the first four sentences of this story are far too writer-focused for me. The piece focuses on what the writer can tell the reader, rather than entertaining the reader and by virtue of that entertainment they learn more about the moral (or even just the characters).
Let me simplify why this story does not work: It's being "told".
I'm sure you've received advice along the lines of "show, don't tell". Both styles are useful for conveying certain types of information, and it just so happens that "showing" is useful in the majority of situations when it comes to writing, as it embroils the reader in the writing and gives them a reaction and a reason to care about the piece.
This piece is incredibly short, and not once do I care about Euclides or his fate. Why should I? The interesting parts are glossed over, and there is little to no character interaction to cement the humanity of the piece. It's a legend, in the writer's words, but it doesn't evoke any kind of reaction from me other than absolute boredom. I'm not interested in the world, the characters, or whatever moral you were seeking to convey via this piece.
You do have some interesting ideas in here, but sadly they were washed away with the style.
I'd like to hear more about these things. Why gloss over their description so?
As for the idea of Euclides coming back, that's nice, but what end does it achieve? Why is his death cheapened so, and more importantly, what does he do after he comes back? There's no mention of that, just that sailors feared him, despite having no logical reason to fear him -- after all, they wouldn't have heard of him, and would have no reason to think he was anything but, perhaps, a wraith or a ghost (which would be logical explanations to be afraid).
And a few smaller issues:
"This" should be capitalized, as it's the beginning of a sentence of dialogue.
Men, no women? No third-gender people? Is this fantasy world still as sexist and binary-coded as our present day? That seems odd to me, as third-gender individuals and women were both recognized as forces to be reckoned with in historical ages past. Perhaps a thing to look into.
As well, why would "rogues" and "assassins" be fighting in a military squad? Rogues are bandits, outlaws, criminals; assassins are paid professionals. Perhaps you meant to imply he's working with mercenaries or convicts forced to fight, but that doesn't come across. Instead, it sounds like you're building a homebrew tabletop RPG party.
Also -- perhaps this is delving into the realm of nitpicks -- the word "werewolf" should not exist in the same linguistic realm as the name "Euclides", not in a historical sense. Try "lycanthrope"; it has the same meaning and the same linguistic basis as Euclides. "Werewolf" is Scandinavian as opposed to Greek.
There are a lot of logical errors and misconceptions about historical (even fantasy historical) life in this piece. I recommend doing lots and lots of research into the actual time periods you're using as a basis.
As it is, this piece is poorly written. Even in a legendary style, it's poorly-done, and focus on detail and voice must be enacted (as well as some sort of research to make the world fit together in a logical way) to improve it, in my opinion. You don't have to believe me, or to take my advice, but if this was the first thing I saw of anyone's writing? I would be leery of reading on in their portfolio.
Best wishes.
I'm in phone right now so I'm just going to address some things.
1st. If the story doesn't work because it's being 'told' (and in the larger context, it is) then how can it be that telling is useful sometimes?
2nd. Assassin is merely a person/being with the capabilities and the experience of killing someone, you are talking about hitmen.
3rd. Never crossed through your mind the empire might've contracted mercenaries?
4th. What term reunites beings from different species and genders? Or did you really want me to mentioned them all?
5th. Not wanting to state the obvious, but this is a fantasy world. I am completely aware the words werewolf and Euclides belong to different cultures, and indeed in my world they ARE from different cultures, they just meet in a spot you could say.
5th. Can you tell me how [to your eyes] could I fix some of the stuff you are mentioning? You are only telling me what I did wrong but don't even give me an example of something might 'work.' Show me, don't tell me (I'm not mocking you)