Forest

by Zackymas

Published October 12, 2016

E - Everyone

In Maybe random stuff

(Disclaimer: Vague and cliffhanger ending ahead).

It wasn’t long until they discovered what happened. An intruder in their homeland. That would not be forgiven. The intruder had to die. Thus him was sent.

Sebastian, a little older than ten; he had entered a new terrain while playing with his friends from the Academy. Jonah, Felicia and Marcus were the ones with him.

“Guys, we have to go back,” said Jonah. “I have a bad feeling about this place.”

“Oh don’t be coward, Jonah. There’s nothing harmful around here,” returned Sebastian. He was full of confidence, thinking his friends would follow him anywhere.

“Uhh I think we can still go deeper into these woods,” began Felicia, “We are still not far from the Academy’s borders,” she finished, but there was a glaring in her eyes; she knew what Jonah was talking about.

“Perfect, then let’s go,” finished Sebastian, already walking into the woods.

They walked together for but about two minutes before Marcus and Felicia began slowly trembling. As the sound of chords they were shaken, but by what? Sebastian noticed this, he didn’t mention anything because he wanted to find the source first. Whatever happened didn’t seem to affect much Jonah and him.

“We are going back,” said Marcus.

“Uh? Wait you guys-” began Sebastian, but short lived was his voice for Felicia shut him up, “Don’t complain, just let’s go back.”

“I agree with them, Sebastian,” said Jonah; his hands held each other tight in front of his belly, and he looked down to the ground, various times; he could not keep his sight on Sebastian for longer than a second. He then turned around and began walking, along Felicia and Marcus.

“I’ll be there in a second,” said Sebastian, knowing this was a lie.

They returned, but Sebastian’s wild spirit did not let him do so. No, he had to explore. When there was some distance between him and his friends Sebastian ran deeper into the woods; there was something leading him. He didn’t know what, just that whatever it was, it was strong. “Perhaps that’s what provoked their reactions,” he thought to himself. As he went deeper and deeper, the forest began taking life, and the sun shone higher than ever, but Sebastian could not see it, for the trees were too tall and broad and dark.

He could listen to the slow singing of birds; there was something off about them, and he knew it. He saw squirrels, rats, boars, and some more peculiar silhouettes casted by the dim light that survived the crossing of the deep and heavy leaves that inhabited atop the trees and among the branches. The crust, which only became darker, seemed almost to move. This scared little Sebastian, but his gut had always been stronger than any fear, and this was not the exception. He continued on his race; his senses now perceived better what was that that called him.

*doom*

*doom*

*doom*

At first he thought it was some sort of drum, but then the sound became clearer, and fuzzier at the same time, for now it was a sound he could not attach to any sort of instrument he knew, rather, a combination of sounds following the same pace. It grew stronger, louder, longer in duration every time Sebastian stepped. He looked up to the sky, and yellow and black leaves he saw fall; he tried to count, but the amount was too great. They blocked his sight, but he did make up something, a shadow, a form, watching, waiting for him he thought.

The sound grew stronger.

*doom*

*doom*

*DOOM*

*DOOM*

*DOOM*

Sebastian didn’t stop to verify; he kept running, and as he ran he noticed how more leaves fell and listen to the crack of branches as if something made them break from the inside out. It was following him.

The sound fastened.

*DOOM DOOM*

*DOOM DOOM*

*DOOM DOOM*

He tried running faster, but it was above him; he couldn’t lose it or outrun it. Sebastian kept going, he saw how the trees got darker, and how less and less light crossed the threshold. He stumbled with rocks and branches that emerged from the ground in places there were none, until IT reached him. Sebastian felt his legs fail and his body lose balance as something much bigger and heavier than him fell from great heights onto his back. Now the sound gained a new rhythm, still with growing speed; he couldn’t count it anymore; the amount of dooms per second he heard. It was too fast. He felt a blunt object pounce on his head; he did not black out though. The force pounced again, but he still didn’t black out. Sebastian tried placing his hand on his chest, but it proved difficult, for he was laying face down; after brief seconds that to him seemed like hours, he realised. That’s where the sound came from.

Then, he blacked out. But then woke up, with an insurgence of energy coming from within him. The shadow leaned in closer. Sebastian couldn’t make up any details of it, just a humanoid covered in darkness. Slowly, it closed the distance with Sebastian’s ear. Its face touched Sebastian’s, when young Sebastian could already feel the creature’s breathing warning his ear, the creature opened its mouth and whispered, “My task is complete.”

And thus just as it appeared the creature left, in a blink. But there was something wrong with Sebastian. He felt his heart pounding against his ribcage, crying to be left out. His eyes hurt in ways he could not describe, as if fire had became a solid object and then was slowly pressed against his iris. He felt as if the bones in his arms slowly became larger, and the skin was not large enough to cover, and wrists exploded into moulds of bone and gore, then reshaped as masses of coal sand forced into a container.

He screamed; he let it all out from the bottom of his lungs and his cry pierced all barriers that separate him from sunlight.

Sebastian was him still, but he was not himself anymore.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
tigeraye
Review
tigeraye wrote a review Review · Oct 20, 2016

Right away, I can say that I like the title. Simple, but a lot of imagery. It's a really nice choice.

(Disclaimer: Vague and cliffhanger ending ahead).


So well, please don't do this...vague cliffhanger endings can be fun, I use them all the time. But I don't want to know it's coming. This just feels like "please don't dislike my story" and right away it forces me not to trust your writing when otherwise, I would have no problem doing so.

Sebastian, a little older than ten; he had entered a new terrain while playing with his friends from the Academy. Jonah, Felicia and Marcus were the ones with him.


Early on I think you can describe the location a bit more -- it seems like you know the characters are already heading into the forest, but forget to explain that to the reader. Sure, you say they've entered "new terrain", but that could be playing on the older kids side of the playground. Another character says something about entering the woods, but they could be talking about the woods from the dinner table.

“Perfect, then let’s go,” finished Sebastian, already walking into the woods.


Here we learn what these woods are, and I know you already pointed out in your disclaimer, but maybe you candescribe the woods more thoroughly? I feel like a story like this should really take you in by describing the smell of the forest, the feeling of the woods, maybe even make the characters barefoot for some reason so we can feel their feet on the cold ground. But instead, it's just the "woods", and because of that, I have trouble getting into the story, at least early on. I think you start to do that later on with what the main character is seeing and hearing, and I like how quickly the pace picks up. I also like how you start to really help the reader feel the anxiety the main character is feeling. This sentence is incredibly powerful and really shows what you're capable of as a writer:

He screamed; he let it all out from the bottom of his lungs and his cry pierced all barriers that separate him from sunlight.


But without that sort of detail in the first half, the second half comes off as a bang with no build. If you ever go back and do edits, I'm sure you'll be able to easily strengthen the first half, though.

The *DOOM*s took me out of the story, because they just seemed so silly. It seems like something that would belong in a humor story, but nothing else about this piece if humorous, so it comes off as out of place. I'd rather you describe the coming noise in strong words like you do with the characters anxiety instead of going *doom* *doom* *DOOM* *DOOM* *DOOM*, though it is unique, so I give you credit for that.

The ending was really creepy, like the person below said, although again I would've liked it more without the disclaimer. Overall I really appreciate the scope of what you were going for here. I don't think a lot of people could pull off a story like this as well as you did. I hope I wasn't too critical, because I did like this a lot, I just want to give you things to improve on. It's definitely a story I'll be left thinking about for a long while...

Thanks for your kind words :D
I'm just not that good with sounds yet ^-^;

User avatar
thepapermonster
Comment
thepapermonster commented Comment · Oct 13, 2016

You did very well building up that suspense. Overall it was well written. Captivating, much enjoyed by people with my imagination. Started simple but mysterious. I didn't get that the "*DOOM*"s were sound effects till near the end, I thought they were what Sebastian was feeling.
May be my lack of sleep, or general understanding, but this line doesn't make much sense for me: "- perceived better what was that that called him."
"- Sebastian could already feel the creature’s breathing warning his ear," Did you mean warming instead of warning?
I expected the ending to be much, much worse, like I would be desperate to hear the rest because you had warned that it was a cliffhanger. But it was satisfying enough to live with.
I did thoroughly enjoy this piece, it was creepy and autumn based. I love autumn.

thepapermonster wrote a review Review · Oct 13, 2016

You did very well building up that suspense. Overall it was well written. Captivating, much enjoyed by people with my imagination. Started simple but mysterious. I didn't get that the "*DOOM*"s were sound effects till near the end, I thought they were what Sebastian was feeling.
May be my lack of sleep, or general understanding, but this line doesn't make much sense for me: "- perceived better what was that that called him."
"- Sebastian could already feel the creature’s breathing warning his ear," Did you mean warming instead of warning?
I expected the ending to be much, much worse, like I would be desperate to hear the rest because you had warned that it was a cliffhanger. But it was satisfying enough to live with.
I did thoroughly enjoy this piece, it was creepy and autumn based. I love autumn.



Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby