Fire

Hello, I'm Harley, here to review your work!

First of all, I'd like to say how much I admire your imagery! It was so breath-taking and beautiful, I could literally picture these actions inside my mind, it was a pleasant feeling. Your words are very awing to the soul.

[I especially enjoyed the lines: "A display of moves that orchestrated choreographies larger than all masses of water." and " It was like a wild cat licking the ground with her tongue, a tongue that rasped, a tongue that was not soft to touch, but instead, as a rake scuffed the ground."]

You've used quite a few metaphors and similes [e.g. It was like a wild cat licking the ground with her tongue, and An entity that spitted only light, that cleansed forests] which I thought was done quite well and presented rather perfectly, they were very vivid and beautiful.

However, I thought there were times you might have gotten a bit carried away; there was too much going on. As much as I enjoyed this, there was still points were you took it to far, when you continued using animals as a portrayal of what you were speaking of (which i'm still unsure of...?) repeatedly. It got a bit too off course, so I wasn't really focused on what you were comparing it to. I just thought you could have reigned back a bit. In addition, you made a few small errors, I think. You spoke of the animal being one thing, e.g. gentle, then being another, e.g. harsh.

Like in this sentence: "They saw a mustang, a brute force that even all its uncomprehended force, moved with a grace and beauty so pleasing to the eye we could but fall hypnotized."

Firstly you say that it is brute force, then you move on to say that is has grace and beauty. Those are two contrasting qualities. If something is a brute, generally it moves more roughly, like a bear for example, whilst something with grace moves lightly and is described to "walk on it's toes", because of it appearing so delicate. Something can not have both of those qualities at once.

Furthermore, I think the sentence has a grammatical error. You say "all it's UNCOMPREHENDED force", when it should be "all it's UNCOMPREHENDING force". Furthermore, I would re-arrange the whole sentence, because you have repeated "force". You have said "a brute force that even all of it's uncomprehended force" which doesn't make sense.

I believe the sentence should be: "They saw a mustang, a brute force that within it's un-comprehensive strength could also been seen as a beauty; graceful that it appeared pleasing to the eye. We could not help but fall hypnotized." (something along those lines).

Also, I thought maybe you could've reigned in your use of paragraphing and sentencing. It seemed a bit too over the place, I felt it could have been structured better. So, I suggest maybe work on your paragraphing. There were also far too many one sentence paragraphs among the larger paragraphs, which kind of dulled the effect for me. One worded or one sentenced paragraphs are used to stun the reader and to leave a lingering effect (they're usually rhetorical questions for a majority of the time too), I didn't feel much of that.

Then you started a majority of your paragraphs and sentences with pronouns (I, we, they, etc) which I didn't feel was necessary. Sometimes writers can do this, and make a piece of written work sound good, but it didn't happen in this for me. I felt kind of let down by all of them, they become rather boring.

Lastly, I really liked how you ended this, with the word 'fire' in Italics, it really reinforced this idea of what these animals were representing and in terms of it being read by the reader, I thought it was an interesting point to leave on. Though I think it should have been written with a question mark, because you've asked a question.

I hope some of this helped. Good luck and keep writing!~

- Harley

What was this about? I feel like it was not very clear, but the prose was beautiful. I guess you can have beautiful prose that's not about anything, like some sort of literary zen koan, and I enjoy this in that sort of way, but I also think this was probably supposed to be about something, even if I don't know what. Also, you should have the last word, fire, be followed by a question mark, since it's in a question and not a statement.

[Double post]

Oh wow! I love your writing style! I love the connection you made between yourself and the fire. It is so vivid in my mind, I absolutely love it! Great job by the way and I hope to see a lot of your amazing writing in the future!

I really loved the type of language you used. The descriptive words that really made a vivid picture in my mind. I really love your mysterious writing style, and the way that you seem to write with so much precision. This piece was AMAZING! And I would love to read more stuff like this from you. Well done. Keep writing and never stop.

Your use of language is amazing. I really love the part where you say about the entity [spitting only light] and how it [cleansed the forests] etc. This is really creative with the use of metaphors - I love that sort of thing. I also admire how you've reinforced the topic at the end with repeating the title. Awesome, well done!