Spreading golden wings, a lone eagle took flight from a desolate cliff crag. She flapped her wings and soared to the top of a leafless tree, where three tufts of downy feathers sat snugly in a nest. Her wings eased next to her body as she came to rest on the edge of the aerie. Eyes unblinking, the mother gazed down at her young. She shifted closer to them, feeling the urge to guard them, to protect them. She turned and stared into the grey sky. A breeze caressed her feathers as it whispered by, and she twisted to see clouds billowing in the distance. A mild cry escaped her beak. She hovered over her chicks, shielding them from the breaths of wind. She was used to the wind and its might, but it never ceased to agitate her. She burrowed deeper into the nest, protecting her young. A thin wire of lightning touched the earth in the distance, and a low grumble of thunder reverberated the air. Hearing her chicks peeping beneath her, she spread her wings over them.
The wind began to whip the tree, and the eagle could feel it sway beneath her. Fear gripped her. A desperate fear. Not for herself; for her young. The lightning struck nearer this time, and the thunder growled louder. A gust of wind blasted through the air and toppled the tree next to the nest. The eagle looked just in time to see the tree crash into her own. She screeched in terror as her tree, too, began to fall. She gripped the nest with her talons and flattened her body over the top of it, the pressure keeping her tiny young secure. She screeched again as tree and nest smacked the ground, crushing her leg. Flapping her wings in desperate terror, she pushed away from the nest. It lay crushed in the dirt. A high-pitched, pain-filled cry rose from her chest. The aerie! Her young! Pushing with her wings and good leg, she managed to right herself. Crying softly, she called to her chicks. One by one, they emerged, unharmed, from the crumpled mass of pine needles and leaves. They scurried to their mother, nestling themselves beneath her wings. Her heartbeat, albeit rapid, soothed them. They nuzzled against her body and pressed their beaks into her feathers.
Yet they felt her tension. He heart did not slow, nor did she cease to gasp for breath. Her eyes scanned the horizon. Looking for what she had scented. Then... she saw it. She had feared it would come. Lightning had struck dry grass, and fire was born. The orange glare in the distance was still miles away, but the eagle knew it would come. She knew what fires were, what they could do. She had flown a hundred feet high and still felt their sting. She had seen them humble forests to coals, grasslands to deserts, and mountains to hills. She knew what was coming, and she knew how it ate its prey. She had heard the cries of a thousand animals burning in its path. She had smelled the odor of singed fur and feathers, and she knew to fear fire. Destruction was its ally; death was its friend. But the thought to flee never entered her mind. She would stay. Stay and protect her young. She would spread her wings over them to cover them from the fire with her body. She would wait.
And second after second she did wait, courage unwavering. The eagle watched as the menacing orange glow blazed closer. Her motherly protection, that fierce, determined loyalty, preceded all, even the value of her own life. Her feathers tingled as she watched; only a few more seconds to live, to breathe, to feel her the pumping of her heart and the race of blood through her veins. The fire roared as it approached, ready to consume another victim. Her skin burned and her feathers singed. Those bright golden eyes glazed over, but she pressed her wings close over her chicks. With a cry, she raised her head to meet the oncoming blaze. Only the wind and sky were witnesses to the sacrifice. In a fraction of a second the fire passed over her, and was gone. Reduced to a charcoal statue, the eagle stood motionless, proud head yet raised, black beak open, eyes staring, penetrating. And from underneath her charred wings came the peeping cry of three baby eagles, unaware that their mother died so they might live.
Inspired by a true story
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140,253 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
I loved this! The descriptive words you used were just so great! I really felt like I was in the story, watching it unfold. It was very detailed and beautiful. I feel as if you should continue this, and make it into a series, like such as the Warriors books. This piece was very nice to read and made me smile because of the ending. I hope you write more works like this in the future. Keep up the good work!
well thank you so much!!
It looks like you're pretty new to YWS, so hello ^-^ This was a quick, enjoyable read, and you have a writing style that I can foresee developing into something fantastic.
As a forewarning, I'm notoriously bad at actually picking out specific examples of things that were good in a piece; I can love a piece and neglect to mention a single example of something that was well done in it. Most of this will probably be nitpicks, but I promise that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. Another warning: school has tired me out, and I may accidentally start rambling incoherently. If you have any questions/want me to clarify what I said, let me know.
Alright, as usual I'm going to divide up the review into different categories so I can try to touch on all aspects of it.
Characters- You have one real character, the mother eagle. The chicks are characters, but they lack any sort of characterization so I'll leave them out of this. In a short piece, it's difficult to portray well-rounded characters; it's even harder to do that with non-intelligent creatures. The eagle has only one major characteristic, protectiveness/a maternal instinct, and the entire story focuses on her unwavering protectiveness. If you decide to not give her any other traits, you should work on making her protectiveness more dynamic. Her selflessness never fades or falters throughout the story; she never even hesitates for a second. Add some more conflict into your story by having even a very brief internal conflict within the eagle; if not, specifically point out to your readers the significance of her never having internal conflict over protecting her chicks.
Description- Wisegirl22 mentioned this as well, but you have an excessive amount of adjectives and adverbs. The amount of time you spend in the piece describing is fine, but it seems like you're stacking two or three adjectives/adverbs onto every noun/verb. Try to pull back on the descriptive words.
Development/pacing- I think you did pretty well with this aspect. It wasn't really too fast or too slow. The only part that was a little fast was the actual action part. If you could expand that as much as you expanded the exposition, it'd be perfect.
Dialogue- There was no dialogue in this piece, so we can just skip this.
Grammar- I didn't notice any grammatical errors other than a typo or two. Like most writers do, you broke some grammar rules for effect, and you did it well. This is another section you did well in.
Mood and tone- I'm a little torn on how I feel about this. If I'm thinking of mood and tone in the correct sense, you have a good sense of tone but not a strong mood. The narration has strong emotions about what's going on, but the feeling of the piece isn't very strong. In essence, I could tell that the narrator felt strongly, but the piece didn't convey strong emotion.
Narration/POV- I feel like your narration is a bit repetitive. You constantly emphasize the mother's protectiveness, but not much else. That's the sole focus of your narration, which makes it get old quickly.
Other- I don't have too much to say for other. I liked your last line, though. I'm also curious about the true story inspiration. Was it inspired by something you personally saw/experienced, something you heard about second hand, or was it vaguely inspired by something? Again, I think I'm rambling. Sorry.
Plot- This is another part I'm torn about. You both did and didn't have a real plot. It fits the criteria of a plot; it has an exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution. However, it just doesn't feel like a plot. Basically what I'm trying to say is that officially, you do have a plot, but it feels a little bit off to me.
Realism- I'm actually not sure about the self-preservation/kin-preservation instincts in animals, so I couldn't tell you whether or not the eagle's actions were realistic. They seem like it, but I would suggest looking into the behavior pattern of eagles to see if this is something that they would definitely do. Then again, you may have actually seen this happen in which case it's probably pretty realistic. I am a little iffy about the realism of the chicks surviving the fire, though. It seems unlikely.
Rhetorical and Literary devices- These are rhetorical devices, and these are literary devices. They're not exactly the same thing, but they're close enough that I'm going to throw them into the same category. So, I use the same format for every story and I usually will do this, but at the moment I'm exhausted and it's a bit of a hassle to go through and pick out parts of writing and match them with literary and rhetorical devices. However, if you want to personally see how you did with them, check out the links. If you want me to come back and do this later, I can do that too.
Sentence structure- You had a little variation in the length of your sentences, but most of them were too long. They had a lot of commas and a lot of the words, and it made them a little tricky to read. On a more positive note, though, you varied other aspects other than the length. You used semi-colons in some cases, and other alternative forms of phrasing and grammar and... stuff.
Word choice/phrasing- My only thing to add here is that you should go back and revise the excessive use of adjectives and adverbs.
Alright, done! Hopefully I was helpful, and I apologize if I wasn't.
thank you very much for your constructive criticism! It was helpful!
WritingForHim99, hello and welcome to Young Writers Society! I hope you can be someone who I can talk to!
As I read the first paragraph of your descriptive short story, I stopped at the end and cane down here to type. To me, maybe not to anyone else of you, but to me if felt like you were trying to hard to put in descriptive words. Like putting-them-in-before-every-word kind of trying. Maybe you should consider taking out some words and I think it might sound better if you do.
The beginning paragraph has another little totally-unnecessary nitpick. Or a TUN. I think, just an mere eight year old's thoughts, I think that you can replace some of the "she"s in that block into "the eagle" or "the bird of prey". You know, something that describes this eagle, other than it's a female. You don't have to change it if you don't want to. It's your short story.
The third paragraph is a different size than all the others. Change it, unacceptable.
The last part is a bit unrealistic. Wouldn't the babies die, if the fire passed on? Why is the burned eagle just standing there? Why are the babies oblivious that their mother suddenly painted herself black and died? Urgh...
-wisegirl22
Thanks for your review. As to it being unrealistic, something very much like this happened in a forest fire. After putting out the fire, some rangers came across the remains of a charred eagle. Hearing peeping noises, the rangers pushed the eagle aside and found 3 chicks, unharmed, hidden beneath her. The eagle's body had shielded her chicks from the fire.
One reason I put in a lot of adjectives in the first paragraph is because my story is so short, I wanted to quickly paint a picture of the setting and background. I took your advice, however, and pulled out some of the adjs and unnecessary advs.
Thank you!