Patriot

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite a powerful little story despite being well...little...xD. Its not your typical style of writing but I think the way you've used here definitely does wonders to really bring out the situation that's going on here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Bright lights. Close noises. A chair leg scraping on cement.

My hands on a steel table. Pain in my eyes. A shout in my ear. Hot breath...

Question marks dance before my face, and a fist slams on the table. I hear words, lots of them and harsh, but I don't know how to answer. My tongue can't work.

A buzz, like angry hornets waiting to sting. I blink, but it is fuzzy. The cold blurs me. But they don't care.

shove; I almost fall but I cling to the table. My hands slip. They shake. A voice echoes in my ear.

I try to breathe. My mouth opens. They want me to say something. I can't remember; I won't remember.

I hear the click of something sliding back, a bolt latching, a shaft falling. I close my eyes. Red, white, blue. They dance. They wave. But they don't fall.

I breathe and exhale. I close my fists. I shut my jaw.

I won't fall, either.

I like this, I really do, but there are some technical things which I feel I should point out.

1) When using a semicolon, it connects two complete sentences. "A shove," is a fragment. I see several places that you can otherwise use the semicolon, but placing it there isn't quite right (I won't say it's incorrect because that's not necessarily true).

2) Most of the sentences range from 2-6 words which I see as a creative choice that works to create a hurried, disconnected feeling. When you reach the sentence "Red, white, blue" I feel as though it's the emphasis for the remainder of the story. ("But they don't fall... I won't fall either.") Because of that, and due to your use of already short sentences, can I recommend that a) You replace those commas with periods since the use of the 'full stop' after each word gives each more emphasis -- I don't see any other single word sentences, so there's that two -- or b) description. Lengthen it by further describing the colors or using one hard-hitting word at the start so the sentence grabs more. Now that I think about it, there is option c) connect the sentence fragments directly around it in the paragraph so that's it's more obvious in comparison.

3) Your description's are... lacking? I am obviously not the person to go to for fixing descriptors, but simple things might help. "A chair leg scraping on cement." A wooden chair, which suggests rustic setting? Or is it perhaps a metal chair to go with the bright lights and make this a more modern holding cell? "I close my fists. I shut my jaw." Well a) you "shut your mouth" sounds more correct than "shut my jaw" and b) the word clench can be used in either of these (just one, not both) to add tension.

Little things for a little story. They seem a bit more obvious, to me at least, simply because of the story length, so this is my pointing them out to you.

~The Grammar Nazi (That's my attempt at a bad joke...)

I honestly adore this work. I love it. Me being a loyal person in general can relate to how this person is feeling (Even though it may be to a much lesser extent). I think you beautifully portrayed how loyal this man was, and to what lengths he would go to keep his country safe. I am also amazed, reading this again, that you hardly have any descriptive words. I could clearly picture a scene in my head with all of this happening just by your writing, and the mood and feel of it. I loved the lines about the flag, and how it also shows another layer of this soldiers loyalty to their country.

Overall, you did an amazing job, and I hope to read more works by you!

Thank you for writing this. To me, you portrayed the burning sense of loyalty with such realism. I enjoyed that, within all of this confusion, the patriot found solid ground in his flag.


You did a really good job on this; so well, in fact, that I can't seem to find any grammar, punctuation, or spelling mistakes!
I do have just a few suggestions, however. When you introduce "Red, white, blue", you don't mention what these colors mean to the patriot. For all I know, (if you hadn't entitled this as "Patriot") he's someone from a completely different country, who is just inspired by the flag.

I also noticed that you hardly used any describing words. You may have done this intentionally, in which case, I'll let this go. (Especially since I am in awe that you still manage to create a colorful picture without any describing words. ) Even so, if you did not do this intentionally, I think you should add a couple adjectives here and there. (Ex. "An INSISTENT buzz, like angry hornets waiting to sting." , "A HOARSE shout in my ear.")

This one may be just me, but I think you should give the colors a bit more description. Just a bit. For example, "Scarlet red, pristine white, and royal blue."



You did a really good job on this, and I liked it a lot!
Keep being imaginative, and keep writing!!!