Heartbeats low and steady
Hand held tense and ready
Aching, gripping
The bow.
Wind swirling about me
Whispering around me
Saying, "Don't you ever
Let go."
Shadows in the distance
A hammering insistance
Death, coming close
To my home.
We have an army waiting
Our courage is not fainting
Reaching, I pluck
My weapon.
I fit it on the string,
My fingers tightening
All hail! The battle horn
Is blown.
We raise our arms as one,
The noise around we shun
Pull back, and then
Let go.
Arrows 'round me fly
Arching in the sky
Only to protect
Our home.
The army is still coming
Their cry, a dreadful humming
Silently, we draw
Another round.
Pull back and then release,
How long until there's peace?
I pray, please end
This war.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hello!
I really loved this poem! The title of it was perfect! I love how in the end the soldier just wants peace, and for the war to end. This is a serious poem, and normally I don't like seriousness, but this is a realistic seriousness. I loved it! Keep Writing!
-SnazzyPencil
I really like this poem. I love when poems are full of adventure and tell a story, like this one.
Nitpicks
The first four lines of this poem seem to be in third person, which is what your reader is most likely to expect. However, when you reach line five, it is clear that you are writing in first person. To fix this problem, you could edit the first line and change the point of view, like this: "My heart beats low and steady." Or, you could change the other lines that consist of first person. For those last two lines, you could edit it to "Wind swirling about him / Whispering around him." One the other hand, I really like that you used first person in this piece. It makes it original. Therefore, hopefully you can find a way to introduce the point of view at the very beginning.
It would sound better, in my opinion, if you changed it to this: "We have an army waiting / Our courage, far from fainting." In addition, is "fainting" really the best word to use here? It doesn't rhyme that well with "waiting," and courage doesn't really "faint." Maybe, "Our courage, far from abating" would work better.
There is nothing truly incorrect with these lines, but I don't like the rhyming of "fly" and "sky." It just seems to elementary. Using this site might help you out when thinking of a better word.
That's all for nitpicks. Yay!
Good stuff!
I really enjoyed this piece, especially because, as I mentioned before, it's in first person. The imagery was perfect and touched upon the sounds, sights, and feelings of a line of archers in war. My favorite line is this:
I could perfectly picture a string of archers lifting their bows in unity, ready to defend their home and fight for peace.
Overall, this poem was much to my liking.
Keep up the awesome writing!
I really liked that poem! It was very interesting that you chose to have the narrator impersonate the archer. What made you choose to do that? If you're looking for something dark and bittersweet, by the way, you should check out my piece called Afterlife. It's in the Supernatural section. Just thought you'd like to know...
Thanks for the review! Maybe it's because I'm an archer myself, I could really picture this situation...what it would feel like... and having the narrator impersonate the archer draws the narrator in, closer, to feel the heart of the poem.
Definitely. Interesting that you're an archer......I tried a bit when I got a bow and arrows for my birthday but I've kind of lost interest. We used to pin up pictures of movie/book villains on hay bales and I'd shoot them.
This poem is enthralling...
It just flowed through my mind in amazing grace, and I held my breath till the very end, anticipating what would come next...
Your descriptions were very apt and I could imagine myself as an archer at the foot of war, which is a great thing.
Keep writing!
This is surprising! How come nobody checked this epic poem? It's sad that I'm just the third person who'll be reading it (I assume most didn't look at it). This is sad and disappointing! But hang on, your poem is absolutely epic!
So I have some good points for you and some nitpicks!
Good Points
Like the previous reviewer said, you have a very good flow throughout the poem. It's quite rare occasion where the flow is fabulous but the rhyme ain't working. I think I'm really fascinated by anything that has to do with wars and that's the reason your poem worked quite well for me.
My favourite line:
I have not one but two favourites
Nitpicks:
Like I previously said, the rhyming just didn't work out for me. It could have damaged your poem in much bigger way but fortunately it didn't go really bad, atleast for me. Also I feel if a you can do a bit more crispy editing you might be able to hold attention of your readers. (By and large it worked for me, so this is just a tiny suggestion)
Overall this is a solid poem and I really liked it! Keep up the good work!
This was wonderful!
The flow was good throughout this.
The rhyming was good, but I did think that it wasn't consistent enough.
There were several instances where I was expecting a proper rhyming word, only to find one that seemed forced, rather than willingly put.
I loved the arrows in the sky bit.
Overall this was a very good poem.
Hassan.
Awesome piece ! I love the way you put some romance in a very sad poem. It has a beauty surrounding it and I think the hunter's language ( thats what I call it ) has a specially enhancing feeling to this battle cry poetry !!