What is it?
I know it's there,
Deep inside it's cloaks and split streets,
I know there's an answer.
Perhaps I'm obsessing.
Perhaps I need a little break from all this...
Thinking.
Perhaps the answer will come to me tomorrow.
I'll just sit here and stare at it a little longer,
Maybe I just need to look and see
If there's a stupid little mistake I keep making.
Oh screw it!
I NEED to try again.
Just lay out the facts, and
Connect the dots.
Just a tweak here
And a twist there
Then a fold at this edge.
Finally just a
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
This stupid thing!
Why won't you fit together right!
I've read the rules.
I've colored inside the lines.
I've thought outside the box.
I've cut away the impossibilities.
So why have I not reached the answer yet?
Why does it still allude me?
Is it impossible?
Or a cruel cosmic joke?
I'm running out of time.
Out of luck.
And I still have no answer.
I'll just have to leave it...
Not yet solved...
For now...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
I always have a soft spot for works which start off with a question. They always seem to draw me in so well
Also I loved your use of rhetorical questions. Like I said before they always draw me in so darn well. Another technique you used which was effective was onomatopoeia (god I hoped I spelled that right).
Your ending however slightly annoyed me.
For me the triple dots is a bit of a pet-peeve of mine. I do think they can work well but they seem slightly odd here.
All in all I enjoyed this poem an awful lot and it has become a favourite of mine now. Good job.
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderfully glorious Review Day!
Technical:
"Deep inside it's cloaks and split streets,", the "it's" should be "its" for the possessive form of that word.
"I'll just sit here and stare at it a little longer,", this should end in a period, not a comma.
"Just lay out the facts, and
Connect the dots."
Move the "and" to the next line to help with reading flow.
Content:
I liked the realistic display of frustration [I've definitely done the Bang!, then stopped and breathed out a frustrated sigh and BANGED a few more times for good measure].
But I have one question: what were/are you trying to solve? That's driving me nuts. Was that supposed to be a part of the poem (the puzzle of figuring out what the puzzle described in the poem is), or are you just not going to say? If you want to say, then please work that in here somewhere.
Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!
it was a slide puzzle. silde puzzles are *whispering* EVIL!
Hi, hope you find your review informative. Love your starting- a good one for your poem. The ending' s fantastic too. I like the mystery you have stated here- you don' t even know what it' s about!These lines captured my interest almost immediately:
"Why won't you fit together right!
I've read the rules. I've read the rules."
And;
"I've colored inside the lines.
I've thought outside the box.
I've cut away the impossibilities.
So why have I not reached the answer yet?"
I' ve got nothing negative to say so cheer up! Anyway, good one and hope to read more of your work.
- Anshira: Team Blue.
Hi WillowCutz,happy review day,so here is Dark to give review on your poem.
I like the concept behind the poem of yours. Expression of feelings about something that has not been resolved. Even if you have tried many times still efforts do not produce any results.
You also have a very strong diction here,but the rhythm is a bit odd in some lines.You can try reread this poem loudly.
I like your imagery and symbolism between the problems you wanted to solve;
I also like the end of the poem when you leave it is not finished yet. It fits with the title and you can try to resolve it again;
Good idea and good job here!Keep it up.
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Knight Malachi to review for Review Day!!!!!
So you should have a period, not comma, here.
I'll just sit here and stare at it a little longer,
Maybe I just need to look and see
Besides the above problem i saw nothing out of place, although i was so into the poem i didn't know it. now, i wish i knew what t was that the character is working on; that would really help me to picture it all. Now the part with the BANG several times in a row made me laugh as I envisioned some piece of machinery back-firing over and over. but not a bad poem
Keep it up!
That,s the mystery...
*smiles evily*
This is how I feel about slide puzzles.
Ugh! It keeps moving my stanzas together! I'll work on that later! It's seperated my fours excpet for the "Perhaps I'm obsessing...Thinking" and "Not yet solved..." then "For Now"