Oh, he's so cute!
Look at his hair and
His smile.
He's smiling at you.
Say something.
Stop it!
Put your books away and
Get to class and
Then you can get started on your math Homework
But I already had Math!
So, do you think I care?
Just do it so you can chill at home
But don't I need something after school for that logic to work?
............
Really?
Silent treatment?
............
Fine two can play at that
...........
............
...........
............
Can I talk to him now?
OH MY GOD!
Just shut up for two minutes!
I'm trying to pass our classes.
But I'm at a ninety average!
Just Shut it Princess!
I'm in control here.
But I'm in this head too.
Shouldn't I get a vote?
No, now get to class.
............
What are you doing?
Move your feet the other way.
Latin is that way, sweetheart.
I'm going to talk to Jay.
NO!
No! No! No! No!
No boys until you have a steady income and a house.
What are you doing?
Give me back control of my feet!
MY feet.
And I'm going to learn about Relative Clauses.
Ugh!
I hate you!
Join the club princess.
................
Whatever.
I'm not turning around so you can get distracted again.
You really are the worst.
Yes, yes I am.
And you are talking to yourself.
So are you.
You started it.
No you did.
I'm pretty sure you did.
I love you.
I love you too princess.
Merry Christmas in July! Your Secret Santa here to review this work.
First of all, I want to say that I liked how you played out the situation where a girl is conflicted on whether or not to flirt with a boy in a very creative and playful way. I think the sass and the over-the-top way the conflicting emotions "talked" to each other were your strong points.
I notice that you left spaces between the distinct voices, but you didn't label them or name them so sometimes it was a bit difficult to follow which voice was saying what. I think a bit of organization might help the readers follow the train of thought a bit better.
In any case, a bit of cleanup is all that's needed to make this work more awesome than it already is. I loved the dialogue, but again: organization would be a great help.
Keep writing!
-Goku
Like Racket, I enjoyed this poem too! It is really funny. But I also agree with her when she says it was kind of hard to tell who was talking. Other than that, did this conversation really happen in your brain? That would be strange and cool at the same time.
Everyday at twelve o' clock.
I really love this poem. It describes me perfectly! Sorry about that. Anyway, I really like this poem because it shows the different parts of you. I can totally relate to being distracted by a boy and then trying to get good grades at the same time. The only problems I could find were:
1). I really couldn't tell which side of your mind was talking. I think it was your learning side that says princess all the time, but I'm not really sure. You could add the names of the two sides of your mind so that people could tell which was talking.
2). There were no quotation marks anywhere and this poem is all talk, no description, except when you talk about Jay.
3) There are no rhyme's or alliteration in this poem. Could you even call this a poem? I don;t know. Metaphor's and similes are commonly found in poems and yours was lacking greatly in that department.
Other than these few fixes, I think this piece is great! Very humorous and light. I love how the mood at the end demonstrates embarrassment to talking to yourself and I can just picture your avatar all pink in the face after the realization. If this really happened, don't be embarrassed. I talk to myself all the time out of habit, and to develop any habit, you must do this habit 3,000 times before it sticks, so just letting you know, you're not alone. This is a great work and I hope to see more of it in the future. Bravo!
~Racket
Every new stanza is a change in view point. I could make it a script sort of poem except I'm afraid of scripts
.
Then it's thinking so it doesn't need quotation marks, also there is nothing but talking so I'm not sure it needs quotes.
Finally, not all poems need literary elements. In my opinion a poem is easier to read in my head without rhyming or alliteration. I hate over-thinking how my poem is constructed so I sort of ignore that part of writing.
well truth is, this poem is kinda nice...not the normal style i see but still interesting. The way it describes the writer's point of view is what i thing makes it so nice. I think the nicest part to me is the silent treatment part...it was kinda funny there.
Wow, am a guy and reading girly poems? This is getting kinda awkward...anyway, cool poem...keep writing the fun types.
pretty cute and it aptly describes your state of mind. it is generally very difficult to pen down how one exactly feels. but you did a great job!! and then these ".................." were pretty effective in your poem. they showed in spite of controlling yourself, how lost you are. such things in your poetry have added life to it and have made it interesting for the reader. it's really nice to see how you are continuously trying to convince yourself not to do it, but every time you get distracted. haven't come across such work before. really nice. i loved it! reminds me of a girl in the book "GIRL ALOUD" written by Emily Gale. that girl...Kassidy is really reluctant and she tells about her feelings so honestly and straight from the heart. it was a pleasure to read that and a pleasure to read this one too! good job!!