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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi there, Willow!
Introduction:
Nice job. This poem really has a lot of potential in some areas... and it excels in others. I'm just here to help you see where you can improve your work and where you're already awesome.
Formatting, Punctuation, and Grammar:
REMEMBER: As a free verse writer, you have no obligation to even entertain my grammar comments.
I really only have one tip here: when a sentence has introductory words, you should use a comma. For example,
Should be:
"Hey, have you seen that girl in the back of the class?"
Flow and Phrasing
Let's take this by stanza.
This is a great stanza. Unfortunately, for me--as a reader--it's not a very strong first stanza. But you have everything you need here, I promise!
Let's look at your first line.
The "hey" isn't very strong here. For a moment, I think that you're addressing me casually, instead of a bit interrogatively. Like, "hey, do you know what the math homework is?"
Getting rid of the "hey", we're left with:
"Have you seen the girl in the back of the class?"
This isn't, unfortunately, much better. Now it sounds as if we're students mocking her. What if we try making this sentence into a statement, like this?
"There's a girl in the back of the class."
That's not bad. Now we're left with:
Onward to the next line...
This line no longer fits. Let's change it to,
[/quote]She smiles at the test.[/quote]
And, you know what? Let's insert a line and refer directly to the reader.
To the now fourth line:
I don't think that this really fits with that you're trying to say. I would omit it altogether.
So there you go! I would suggest repeating that process whenever you can. It'll make your poetry much stronger in the long run.
But, in this category, great!
Vocabulary:
I would suggest this, as I do to all poets:
It can be fun and helpful if you read aloud, as well!
Style:
You have a very distinct style, and I think by implementing some of the changes above, you can make your writing more alluring and keep your voice.
Keep writing,
IronSpark
First of all, I can tell that this is somewhat personal to you. This is why I was surprised that I was able to relate to it. I am the nerd in the class as well! People do tell me I am smart. However, I refrain from cheating as much as possible.
As far as criticism, I would suggest using more adjectives. A lot of poetry is not straightforward, and part of being a great poetry reader is having a knack for decoding. But, if that is not your style, then carry on writing how you wish. Have a great day!
I love this!! ^^ It's ultra-unique. I've never read anything like it ^^ It's usually hard to write in free-style and have it sound good, but you do it and do it well ^^ I love the beat you have to it too ^^ Keep up the good work and I hope to read more!! ^^
You communicated the emotion of the girl really well through the poem; how, after five years, she still feels guilty over the two tests. Amazing, simply amazing!
Hi there! I'm here to review your poem.
First off, this was pretty good. Easy to read, you have a nice flow going here, and I really liked the theme of it. There isn't that much to edit or change here. But with that said, there are some things I think you could change.
First off:
I love this one, but it would be easier to read if you broke down the first and third lines and tweaked them just a little, like so:
Hey, have you seen the girl
At the back of the class?
The one that smiles at the test.
Hey, have you seen the girl
Who knows everything about this class?
The one who's got a secret.
It would definitely be easier to read that way, though it's pretty good the way it is. And you could do something similar for the next verse as well. I have an idea of what might be better:
I'm that girl.
I'm the one
That answers the questions.
I'm the one
That was smiling through the test.
I'm her.
I think it would be better that way, but keep in mind, these are all just ideas. And for the next thing:
I think you could work a little on it over here. The word 'wrong' appears twice, and that makes it a little repetitive and draws attention away from the poem. If you could find a substitute for either the second or third line, it would be much better.
Other than these things, I don't think there's anything you should change, though I'm not exactly the best critic of poetry. I loved it regardless. Keep writing, and I look forward to reviewing some more of your pieces!
-TheDayBeforeTomorrow
I really want to know how she cheated!
This was a very intriguing piece. Hmm... Interesting.
Hmm. Yes. It's very free-flowing and such. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.
It wasn't quite long enough for me to get used to it...
It was very good, but a little confusing. It had a good sort of humorous aspect to it.
I liked it lots, and would be interested to read some more of your poems.
I wrote the answers on my eraser for my spelling tests and for math tests they were self graded so I just said that I got a higher grade than I did. I couldn't really fit that into my poem.
P.S. the poem was all truth, so I really was the girl.
I wrote the answers on my eraser for my spelling tests and for math tests they were self graded so I just said that I got a higher grade than I did. I couldn't really fit that into my poem.
P.S. the poem was all truth, so I really was the girl.
Hmmm... it seems I hit the button twice. Whoops!
Hey Willow!
Well! How cool. =)
From the name alone, I was drawn in and instantly I started to read on in interest and enthusiasm. I liked how fun and quirky it started out, but then plummets to this depth of a truth of the secret nobody knew, until now. And by the end, how it's wrapped up to where a meaningful light is shone from the poem.
On the technical side, even still, all I can give you is praise because I don't know what is or is not formal or informal in poetry. Although, I do like to read poems and I quite liked this! Very much. Really good job.
Mahalo!
Thank you!