Young Writers Society

Hello, Clarity here to review!

I agree with Strange about you putting this work in the satire category, it would be more at home there.

So, I can understand everyone's complaints below, but only due to how you have written this. The majority of YWS are used to seeing works with more accurate SPaG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar). However, I actually do not find this work offensive at all. While I hate the music genre of rap, this is what I would expect from a lot of the artists in that industry. I have friends who like this genre of music, and a lot of them would like your lyrics.

The message you're portraying here is about the narrator being "the ruler of the streets" as in, they're the toughest person out there, and you don't want to mess with them? I believe this is the message a lot of rappers use to describe themselves, also. So, I see nothing wrong there.

I notice how you mention something call a "piff ting pie" and if I recall correctly, "piff" is a slang term for marijuana, correct? This is also something that many rappers will write a rap about.

While a lot of this rap is crude, I have to say it is nothing I haven't seen "professional" rappers write and rap before. Because of this, I see no problem with the actual content.

However, you use text speak when writing this. While using this is acceptable during personal conversations via text, etc, it is not what many people would class as an acceptable way to write. Although, this is your work, and you chose how to write it. While I highly suggest using proper spelling and grammar, I do not see such a problem with how it was constructed in the first place.

Also, feel free to PM me if you ever need and advice/help on anything, whether it's writing related, or just anything to do with the site in general!

I wish you luck with future writing.
Happy YWSing,

-Clarity.

Well besides the fact hat I don't understand most of this, I will give you a short review. Well bloodlink covered just about every line. I'll try to be a little more gracious, but seriously, this isn't the site for this type of writing.

I understand this is a rap, but the time it takes to understand what I just read slows it all down a ton anyway so it has no rhythm or speed to it. I think you need to write with proper English and grammar if you want to be welcomed kindly on this site. It's a place for writers to improve, but writing stuff like this isn't really going to want people to help you in your writing.

That being said, the few lines you had that were written correctly were a blast of fresh air. If you wrote more like that, regardless of the context, or content, it would drastically improve this piece. Even though I don't think this was well written or had a good message in it, those lines were a little bit I enjoyed, even though they didn't make much sense. YWS, places a large emphasis on grammar and proper English.
I would either change your writing style or go to a different site.
I would say that this isn't really the site for this type of writing/songwriting.

Holy god. This is a huge satire. I see why people are complaining but I know people like you. Put this under Satire, because it would be better for people to understand. I find this hilarious. Just hilarious.
I do give props for writing something like this.l I do want to call it a pure satire rhyme. You do belong here, but you need more ideas. People who are complaining are just clueless on what's going on and I give you big props for that.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed it.
Strange gives you...
8.9/10
Good job!

Hello!

Some here think you don't belong here, and I do see their points. Though this is a site for ALL young writers, a chance for them to improve and get good critiques. So I haven't come to sham you for the contents of your writing. It's rated 18+ and so rightfully. You may write what you like although you should not be surprised to get the respons your getting.

Moving on. I told you before, everyone belongs here, but only if they're here for the right reasons. At this site, grammar is quite important actually and if you want your piece to be pronounced in a certain way that still doesn't mean you have to write h8 instead of hate, etc. If you want to evolve as a writer, using proper grammar will honestly help, also it will probably diminish the ugly comments.

Other things that would improve your piece would be trying to tear the piece down to a few stanzas, it makes it easier to read through. Also, a few of the lines are a bit too long in comparance to the former which disrupts the flow a bit, try looking that over.

I also usually leave a grade, with 5 spiders being the most. I'd like to give you 2. I don't like the piece at all, this isn't my kind of style at all, and the grammar is awful etc. Still you're new here, and nobody's perfect, even less so when you're new. Hope you get to evolve here at YWS and that maybe that attitude will have gotten a bit less aggressive aswell!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Le Demon

So, I've come to my senses with a bit of a wake up call. I saw a poem with a review by you immediately after I posted my comments and I realized you speak perfect English and writing in text speak was obviously a choice. My comment was of no help at all and I realize that. This being said, I'm back with a proper review

The text speak immediately put me off. It would be fairly easy to attract readers using proper grammar and mechanics. Of course, if you had a reason for writing it like this, then leave it be.

I don't have the biggest understanding when it comes to slang, so I was majorly confused by the majority of this. But I guess Google comes in handy for this type of thing because now I'm able to make sense of this.

I assume that this is from the view of a gangster? The drugs, violence, etc. pretty much point to that. The poem DOES connect.

I think you could make this more appealing to some by breaking it up into stanzas or organizing your thoughts so it flows more smoothly.

Hope to have helped,
Dark

Yes, I have given you a like for this appalling work for the sheer audacity it must have taken you to post it.
I have no idea where to begin with this piece. So let's start with the title: 'I rule da streetz.' Now you will notice that autocorrect in this review has changed the 'i' to a capital as it should be. In three places in your title, you show a cavalier disregard for basic English grammar principles, that frankly, aren't acceptable.
This is a site for Young Writers. And this level of intellect is not really setting a good example for positive English development skills. Still, I digress.

Now for the actual work:

yeah baby girl i rule da streetz - this is not only patronising to the female sex, it is also grammatically incorrect, however, glancing at the rest of the work, I don't think grammar is a word you seem to understand. So I will stop commenting on that as of now - it's hopeless.

every 1 nos me can pack da heat - everyone knows what? Are you feeling warm? Oh, you have purchased a heat pack. A very good idea for the winter. I also recommend hot water bottles.

with my 12 gauge knuckles - I would suggest an operation to remove your extra bone masses.

and my jay z brussels - Jay Z I have heard of. Maybe he lives in Brussels, or he likes sprouts, either way, I don't quite understand the relevance of this reference.

like dem sprouts that cover ur nose - Ah. It was sprouts. Now... why are they on your nose? Cabbage has cleansing properties for the skin, I didn't know sprouts did too, I will have to test this.

like dem models who love dat pose - Which models? Kate Moss and the like? And what pose exactly?

and me gets all da ladies with all da thongs - You could do with not objectifying women in such a foul manner. However, vulgarity seems to be your forte. Thongs, I don't think that's very classy now is it? :/

automatic rifles transform into bongs - So we've moved from outright sexualisation to violence. How intelligent. How wonderful. And bongs? What have bongo drums got to do with anything? Unless this is your attempt at being cultured and bringing African customs into your work - in which case, good job.

bongo drums bongo drums slam ur eardrums - I retract the last statement

looking at what the world torn by war has become - This is one of the only sentences here written properly. Well done on that. I think you have potential.

smoking that hash brown with sausage and eggs - You can't smoke hash brown dears. Or sausages. Or eggs.

bacon's been sidelined for extra bread - As part of a balanced diet, you should try to incorporate both protein and carbohydrates.

dont bred like hovis and dont be a snake - You have used a brand. I would clear the copyright on that if I were you. And bread and snakes is an unlikely analogy.

u got limbs not no limbs you stupid fake - I would be VERY careful what you say here. Amputees may take offence to this kind of ignorant message.

feeling da rush of wind as i kiss the sky - This is a very cliché line.

like the lord makes dat piff ting pie - I have no idea what this means, but I don't think Jesus does cooking.

chewing that gum like a boss in burlesque bauhaus - Music reference. Again, with no copyright one presumes. I noted the attempt at alliteration here. And, presuming you are employed, does your boss chew gum?

da type of mandem that skanks like a mouse - again, I don't understand the language here, however I didn't know mice engaged in 'skanking' whatever that is.

cold war chill like the .9mm - apart from the battle of finding clarity in this piece I don't understand the war reference. And what is a '.9mm?'

like da .44 russian soviet pg-13 rated fajita - world food, you have crossed your cultural references here and therefore create grand confusion for the reader.

n ya look new 2 da game so lemme cut it str8 - I don't suppose this is a literal game with actual rules that you would care to acknowledge, nor explain for the reader. Using numbers in your work is also not advisable because it breaks the flow.

u da type of person i luv 2 h8 - yet you keep doing it. Here you are finally addressing an unnamed character and giving the piece some sort direction. Shame it's too little too late.

be riding dem ponies to the white house with no fear - assuming we are talking about a journey from the English land of Hovis, to the USA, that is a long journey for horses, I would recommend a plane personally.

like inside dat peng ting kk's pizzeria - I had no idea you owned your own pizzeria. It must be lovely to run your own business successfully under the current economic climate.

got no fear from da h8ers whoeva u may b - judging by the calibre of this work, they are probably queuing up outside your house to scream at you for using such bad English.

because i am obviously ruler of da streetz - obviously. If we hadn't guessed that by now, then where would be?

There is a hint of pretentious 'dick-headedness' in this work. I think it comes from 'da streetz'. Personally, I don't think you're as stupid as you present yourself here. The lines by which you do use proper English show that you have the potential to make something of yourself as a writer on this site. However, as I have also come to understand that you do not understand the concept of punctuation, in addition to grammar and basic English. I pity you.

If you require any help or assistance don't hesitate to ask.
I can only hope you IQ improves.
Keep trying to write.
XD

gud jab
dis iz tite

dis is a rap fam