Published December 24, 2016
In BirthdayHangman: The Early Writings (January-February 2014)
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I'm a figment of rape culture, Imma ruppies vulture
Trolling and eboling like post-modern horticulture
I prowl in the midnight like my steads tight
On the prowl for new verses to spit in a kite
In my own way I shite all over the opposition
It's my mission to force feed bitches pills in the kitchen
And American wheez? Yeezy from Weezy and Milton Keynesy
Appease me to please me? That's not even easy
On the east coast of Marshall Mathers' retirement years
Cleaning out his closet just to make the rent, don't relax his fears
Nor his peers that use garden shears to be the best in the world
But even with many twirls he's a troll for a goalie tenfold
My internal struggle is an external huggle
Psychological project them bitches in a muddle
What a right cafuffle! Ruffle a feather or two
Shitting on your picnic because I really want to
I robbed a bank and robbed my sister's pussy
I want a pay rise! A paycheck will suffice!
Keeping MCs looking out their bathroom window on the shitter
I'm a wombat but more than just an irritating critter
Shame on any cracker who crosses me on that level
You ain't at my level nor even the lowest level
I'll gut you like a fish all on a side dish
Serve it stone cold, that'll stun you, that'll be all pish
Hate to be the sort of piddly necromancer
But you're a comedy gig and I've announced my mum died of cancer
It was funnier than this! I'll be the son of dis
Cussed to the floor, to the walls, to the hub of Greek piss
Awwwww poor euro, it's come tumbling down
Like the Brexit and how it pissed off the Tumblr crowd
And millenials and self-entitled liberal fascists
I love Trump, YWS, fuck you- your utopia lies in ashes.
Word.
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137,893 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
I'm not a huge fan of rap in general, but I can tell when it's done well. And, sorry, I didn't like this. As Lumi, Kaos, and others have said...it's unnecessarily vulgar, violent, and insulting to several groups.
Your rhythm is okay for the most part. With meaningful lyrics, it could even sound really good. But you went out of your way to make the lyrics obnoxious and "edgy". And having "Word" at the end of your rap is a bit cliche.
u do it then
Kaos here for a review.
It doesn't really seem like you're trying to write rap here that much, it just seems like you're trying to get attention with this. It doesn't really tackle a particular topic but it does seem to cover politics a lot in this rap. Being edgy and offensive to be edgy and offensive doesn't work. It's violent, offensive, and everything of that sort, for no reason whatsoever. I didn't really find this to be appealing as a casual fan of hip-hop, and that's because you have no sincerity in your writing. You write to offend and destroy, to make people angry. I'm not angry about this, I'm just telling you that it won't get you anywhere.
I like seeing hip-hop that tackles things in a new perspective or hip-hop that has sincerity underneath the words that it says. This has none of that and it's rather lacking in originality because of this. Everyone can write a rap to be offensive, but few can write rap to be sincere and touching. This doesn't really have a clear theme which is something that I would have liked to see more of in the poem, or at least a more worthy cause.
It tends to jump around a lot in the topic of it and it can't seem to stay on one thing which is something that disappoints me with this. This just seems like more of the common denominator of rap, the bottom of the pyramid that all tends to mesh together. I'd like to see something that tackles topics with more power behind it, instead of having lines that could be thrown away easily or lines that have already been said before in different words, the bad love poetry of rap where everything's been said with the words rearranged.
I suggest to study your craft more and then to try again with this. If you can deliver the same message that you want to get across without being violent or offensive, then I'd be impressed. This isn't to say I listen to rap that's all clean myself, as cursing can help better get emotion across, but I doubt you're thinking in that mindset of why you're using what you're using and instead you're just throwing things out there carelessly.
Last comment to make is, I don't know why you're on YWS if you dislike it, little bit of common sense that it may be better elsewhere to hear more opinions that are like yours. Not telling you to get off the site, because I'd like to see a rap where you put more effort and power into it that displays a worthy message or theme and one that tackles that theme in a new way. Write about something that matters, something that you feel needs to be said.
The rhyme is something that I feel needs smoothing out as well if you're going to continue rapping because the flow gets messed up in places and I think you just try to shove whatever you can into the poem on those parts. Instead of doing this and stringing together whatever fits and making lines that are filler, focus more on rhyme structure and rhyme scheme.
That's all I had to say.
ok
*le gasp
Needlessly offensive, needlessly vulgar, and senselessly full of violently useless game rhetoric.
A triumphant satire of rap culture, WWombat! But still all of the things listed above! What I'd be interested in seeing is a rap satire in which you accomplish your mission without headbutting the MOGAI or victimized people in any way - but I'd like to see the same of my grandparents at a holiday dinner, and you know how that goes. All in all, you win your point, but you make my tums churn bile in the process. Work on your art craft and get back to me.
Hope this helps.
Ty
lol
i didn't think that you were a good rapper, but alrighty.
i didn't think that you were a good rapper, but alrighty.
u try it
nah, not really my thing.
like... it rhymes, but i can't make sense of this. you're just finding random rhymes and stringing them together. it's not coherent. even the rhyme scheme is basic.
sweet mother
lol