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ma foraree

by WWombat

finaly mandems got dat piffting cr wich mama n dada pwomied moi at xmas but baled out at da lrst min. now mans got it in its fab yo. shows man 2 b a hit wiv da ladiez. ey fam jump in ma foraree n go vroom vroom like dat pengtingpie dat iz moi. mwah mwah. its red n black n yolo uhh i mean yelo lol. mandems pacin da heat lk an oven in da devils hole. i luv ma foraree more dan my mama hahaha. anyway gotta go n drive it again. bi.

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121 Reviews

Points: 1832
Reviews: 121

Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:48 pm
WritingWolf wrote a review...

Hello Pentingking.

I'm not sure about what experience you've had with poetry, but as Deadman has pointed out this is not your usual poetry format.
Maybe you had some reason for formatting it the way you did. But if that is true you need to make that clear to the reader. If you don't then any reader without experience in poetry will think you just haven't a clue what you're doing. Which I'm sure isn't true.
Poems should have line breaks, and usually stanzas. So instead of just writing out like a paragraph how you have it hear, try something like this...
"Finally mandems got dat piffy car
wich mam n dada pwomied moi at xmas
but baled out at da lrst min."

I think you had a nice idea behind this poem. But your dialect takes away from it. My best guess would be you're trying for a overly exaggerated southern accent, which you did just a little too well. The accent is so strong that I can hardly understand what you're saying in a few places. I can understand the benefit of using dialect in some places. But you really have to be careful because it is extremely easy for it to become distracting, which will eventually lead to annoying the reader.
Usually I would recommend only using dialect when 1) it is very slight, or 2) it is used humorously. When I say "humorously" I do not mean making fun of the dialect. I think the best way to explain what I mean is just to give an example. I'm going to use my sister @Rainn poem Catch 'Em Quick!. She used a Cajun accent, but she didn't smother the poem in it, and the poem was something which would put a smile on your face (or make you laugh).
If you're looking to learn more about dialect and it's use in writing I would highly recommend you read Dialogue by Lewis Turco.

I think you could have a really cool poem here! It's just those two things that need changing.
Happy writing!

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38 Reviews

Points: 572
Reviews: 38

Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:30 pm
Ruby68 wrote a review...

Well... I'm not quite sure what to think of this. Perhaps you meant to make a point with your spelling, but if so it was lost on me. I've looked at your other works out of curiosity and they all seem to be written in a similar style. I really don't know what to make of this. I don't think it can be considered poetry because of formatting and I'm not sure how it's science fiction either. That's really all I can say about this. Sorry if I'm missing the point.

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40 Reviews

Points: 1036
Reviews: 40

Thu Feb 20, 2014 4:49 pm
CamorynAnn wrote a review...

hello there pengtingking,

this is.. i'm not sure. It is extremely hard to read. You use acronyms, you barely make sense at all. I don't think that this is very effective at all. There is no point to get across. if there is, then you should make it more clear by letting us be able to read it. I hate to say it... this is kinda terrible. Disgrace to poetry honestly. This isn't poetry.

needs more work. sorry if this was harsh. being honest.


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81 Reviews

Points: 10056
Reviews: 81

Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:26 pm
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Deadman wrote a review...

Deadman here with a short review for you. I have a feeling not a lot a people will read this, the second the see the style it's written in. It's clearly very personalized. I read it thrice, before I figured out what you were trying to say. It's interesting really, and it took me a bit to realize the tittle would translate into My Ferrari. However, I did figure it out, and it was a good um story. I wouldn't really call it a poem.

1. Good concept.
2. Executed concept very well.

1. Hard to read with the spelling the way it is.
2. No capitals anywhere. that adds to making it hard to read.
3. If it's a poem the format is way off.

It's a good story, but I think it could be better if you cleaned it up and made it easier for the reader. I like it, but it was really hard to read. So until next time, happy writing!

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