They chopped up my favorite hibiscus tree
The one that dies every winter and blooms a brilliant pink every summer
With the flowers that close its petal in at night and goes to sleep
The tree that brought it’s brightness to the block from July to mid-October
Refusing to die until autumn was almost over and winter right around the corner
Always being the definition of late bloomer
.
And if that wasn’t enough
They tore down the climbing ivy
That covered the old home with its cracked bricks and darkened windows
In a canopy of relentless green that went red before it went brown
But before that they threw trash in your yard
Pulled up the berries and dandelions
That grew from the cracks in the concrete around the hibiscus tree
.
The humans they left you alone for so long
To fall into ruin and grow damp and moldy
And now they take away all the beautiful green that once adorned you
No longer will pink flowers fall from the tree
The colorless, pebble-filled concrete
That surrounded you
.
No longer will the ivy cling,
Dead or alive, keeping you warm in the cold winter
Because no one is there to light your chimney
Sweep your cracked steps
Or clean you grimy windows in need of some curtains and fixing
.
They left you alone all these year, those humans
And when they come back all they do is destroy
What you have become
Now humans will live inside of you or tear you apart
Leaving stray cats without a home
And pet cats without a hangout place
.
They take away your liveliness
The life surrounding you
They take away you
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Hi there! Here with team Smaug to review!
Take this line out. Even if you changed the wording, it would still feel tacked on.I like the idea of this poem, the reminiscence and characterization of a place. I appreciate how you start addressing the place as "you", so it becomes a love letter, or a goodbye letter, or both.
That being said, there are a few things that need addressing. While it's pretty obvious that "they" are the people redoing the house, I feel that they need more specific identification. They, in poems, often becomes this big idea that stands for everything that is against a narrator or a specific entity, like the house in this poem. However, I think you should describe the people doing this. Is there a quiet man in a suit overseeing it? A grimy construction worker wielding a sledgehammer? Knowing the enemy is an important thing in a piece like this.
The other main issue I see with this poem is the occasional awkwardness I find in some of the lines.
You have rather long lines throughout the rest of the poem, so I'm not quite sure about the line break here. To make it more like the rest of the poem, make these two lines into one.
Here's what I'm talking about in terms of awkwardness:
If you're more direct about your sentences (put the subject first), it will make the poem much more lingering in the mind of the reader because you use such concrete images (which is good). Try to reorder your poem like the way I'll reorder this stanza below and see if you think it's clearer.
Try to start with the noun.
Altogether, I enjoyed this. Keep poeting!
Hey Cynder here. Nice poem, I loved the raw feeling I got from it. With that, let's begin. I think you can add more emotion to the end without saying "you" too many times. Like
I think that would be more effective because it limits the amount the word you is used. Haha, punny right? Anyway, next thing.This simple change avoids using the word "cats" right about the same time as the line above it. This also means you should change To something like [quote Now humans dominate your essence,
inside your brain they command you to pieces." [/quote]. In the first line of the second paragraph you could substitute "humans" for "two-legged's." I also think you should change the third line there, to Unless you're talking about honor or courage, one does not become anything as what, but who. What is only used for something inhuman or looked down upon by humans. I also think you could simplify, to something like . On a good note, I love, love, loved your first two paragraphs, so don't touch those.This poem overall was very engaging and I apprecitae being able to read it. YWS is awesome, isn't it? I hope you like my review, Cynder out.
Hi there and Happy Review Day. My name is Memory.
I would like to start off by saying that I love the emotion and the picture your words painted in my mind.
The only real nitpick I have is that I think that you should add periods after each line...But I'm not really experianced with poems.
I did have to read it twice to realie that the Poem wasn't about the Hibiscus tree...I felt like you had quite the attachment to it.
This probaly doesnt count as a review but I honestly did not see anything wrong with it and I loved it dearly.
<3
~memory