Rest
BY: Paradox (KMB/Vivian)
We bid our days,
Wide awake,
So that eternal rest will be more peaceful.
So that it will all be worth it,
And we feel as though we’ve lived enough,
Forever rushing,
Always moving.
Of course we’d be grateful at last,
When the time for sleep,
The night that last forever,
Is offered by Death
(Because this is not the Sandman’s job).
Some may not take it,
May not be ready,
But I say it’s my time to go.
I’ve made my peace and had my days,
Bid my time well.
So let me sleep.
Let me be free of the bondage of this world,
Because nothing ties a soul down,
Especially not when they are given wings.
The only thing left to do now is sleep,
So let me sleep.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello
I thought that this was a really interesting poem and I enjoyed reading this.
The line "Because nothing ties a soul down" I think you could get rid of the word because to emphasise what you are saying, it will also make it sound more elegant.
Also the second last line "The only thing left to do now is sleep" you could leave out the word now because I think that word isn't nessecary and it will still make sense without it.
I felt like some of the lines you used could be changed and maybe taken out as some didn't have to be there.
Overall I thought it was a really good poem, and you have great potential. You could go far with writing like this. Keep writing your poetry.
-DestinyXx
Hello~ (I may or may not be reviewing this because I just had an exceedingly long nap)
This was a beautiful poem. I liked it a lot.
I think I especially liked the tone in it. It was very simple, but the words were heavy and meaningful.
I like the concept here, how we all stay awake and rush all the time (we do!) because death will be much sweeter that way.
Okay, on to a few little things.
I'm not sure what you mean "bid." I looked up the definition, and the only definition that could sort of work here is "to attempt to achieve."
Also this goes for later when you say "Bid my time well"
I think that's a typo there.
I loved this line.
I love the lines before this, but I felt like this particular line was repetitive (in not a good way) and kind of weak for a second-to last line. I'd like to see a second-to last line that makes the last line really pop. I don't have any suggestions for what that could be, that's up to you!
It think this poem could be helped with a little bit of punctuation. Commas and periods are your friends! They add clarity where there previously confusion.
There were a few parts I thought were a little redundant or unneeded. Maybe you could look through the poem, and evaluate each line.
I have nothing left to say! It was a great poem!
Keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks. I'll fix those things, especially that typo.
Hello, there! This is IronSpark. This is a great poem.
Just two things:
1. Maybe use some commas for clarity?
2. Some of these sentences are a little awkward. Like this one: "So that eternal rest will be more peaceful" Comb through your piece for these and try correct them (if you have time).
Sorry for the short review, and great job!
-IronSpark