How will you forget?
That time when you woke up with a joyful beginning,
Went somewhere and found out life's not a dream
but a nightmare,
Went to bed at the end of the day and slept with a tragic ending.
How will you forget?
That time you first felt that joyful heartbeating,
Enjoyed the feeling like in the air you're fluttering,
Then a half of your wing suddenly started tearing,
Leaving you unstable in the atmosphere while flying.
Suddenly, like Jack and Jill you started tumbling
You're heart that was full of life, died in a sudden.
With all of these things that keep on happening,
How can someone so traumatized forget a life that's not worth remembering nor living?
How? How will you forget?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,869 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Hello! Still happy review day!
I'm ILoveBooks!
Ready to review your poem!
Okay wow...this is wonderful
I love the poem. To be honest. I love a poem where you express enough feelings about your past experience, memories, life and more stuff.
I will categorize all of my review okay?
The title was very good. It's connect to the poem itself. I love how you say that Nightmares in a Daydream. Yep Life is totally not a walk in a park. But think about to, the person being describe here still thought of life being easy and has hope but suddenly it came crushing down because of what she found out. Connected to the poem. Good Job with this.
The Opening? Well you started it good to. You start it with a question leaving us in thought. Then explain a person experiencing this. The person seem happy at first.
The middle part of the poem? Good job on this too by the way. I mean you describe how a person think of Life as a Dream and then suddenly a nightmare. You Change it on the right time and at the right place.
The ending? Well you still describe how it become tragic and traumatizing. You left us still with a question and that's a good one for us to think again about it.
All in All, when you put everything together. It's a beautiful one. A good ending. A good opening. That got to have something!
10/10!
Bravo by the way!
I notice that you should check on your grammars and to use past tense of the verb. Because that was one of the most important thing on a poem. Check everything first okay?
-ILoveBooks123
Hello!
This is a very well-written poem.
It sort of reminds me of one of my own never-completed short stories.
I noticed one tense error:
I believe that "keep" should be swapped out with "kept".
Besides that, everything else is great!
Another thing I noticed is that it seems like you're forcing yourself to rhyme, by ending phrases with -ing.
First of all, some of the phrases sound really awkward because of that structure.
For example:
Wouldn't it make more sense for it to be a "joyful heartbeat"?
Don't force yourself to rhyme, especially since not all the phrases in your poem rhyme in the first place.
Keep it natural.
Hope this helped.
Keep up the good work!
Ƥєтєя Ƥαη
Hi, Vibe! I love your username, by the way.
Introduction:
This is beautiful. You truly have an innate sense of cadence, and I really enjoyed it. Here's just a few
nitpicksthoughts.Title:
I think you made a typo here:
[quote="Vibe's Title]NIghtmares in a Daydream[/quote]
You mean "Nightmares in a Daydream".
Line-by-Line-Analysis:
I love this first line it's powerful and alluring.
"The time" here is awkward. What about "that time"?
I think that this is a beautiful phrase. You can put even more emphasis on it with different line breaks, like this:
"Went somewhere and found out that life's not a dream
but a nightmare,"
Your choice, though.
I like this line... but I only like it. I want to love every phrase, and you can help me do that by using more powerful verbs and less adverbial usage.
I like the repetition in this line. Every short poem, especially, should have something like this. This phrase ties the entire idea up and begins a new one.
"Heartbeating" is not a verb. Did you mean "heart beating"? I'd also replace "the" with "your" and "joyful" with a more powerful word.
I'm a little confused about this line. Here's one place where you could really benefit from increased usage of punctuation.
I feel as if here you're simply listing events. This is very different from the flow of your poem prior to this section.
This is a very strong ending, but I wonder if you can tie up the poem with that phrase from before, "How will you forget?" Either way, I really enjoyed this and it truly resonated with me.
I'm sorry for the rushed/harsh review, but I loved it. Great job!
Keep writing,
IronSpark
Thanks IronSpark. Noted. Although I'll be keeping the rest for some reason.
How will you forget?
Nice poem.
Thanks Millena
Hello! I'm Grace! I'm here to review your poem.
Okay, so I really like your title for this piece. It's awesome. "Nightmares Within A Daydream" sounds almost mystical, just like Robert Frost's "Stopping In The Woods On A Snowy Evening."
Your use of "ing"-ending words at the end of each line makes each one sound as if it is to be read quickly, or at least that's what I thought. I don't know if you intended this of not. The "half your wing tearing" part... was this supposed to be a metaphor or something? If it was, I didn't get it. Sorry. And also, I think the use of "Jack and Jill" in this poem makes it sound a bit childish, whereas the rest of the poem is proper and adult-like. Just my thoughts.
I do like the truth behind your words. Even after being scared out of my wits in a nightmare, I always seem to forget about it. How could I forget about something that scared me so awfully?
Keep Writing!
-Grace
Thanks Grace.