a really big H

Hi vibe,
TS here reviewing

This piece, in all honesty, bored me. A piece of poetry should do the exact opposite of this, it should drag you in to the writer's mind, his life; this piece just didn't do that for me. The only notable piece of imagery you gave us was 'flaming eyes'; the flow was non-existent until the last few lines where you finally picked up some rhythm, and the story was too vague to make any sense in my head. I'm not nit-picking, if you think that's what I'm doing. I'm not trying to be harsh either, I'm just trying to pick out big problems - the fact that it was so easy bothered me, an it should bother you too. The piece wasn't terrible, it was just so one-dimensioned. You didn't offer any depth or imagery or changes in pace... I think you should work on these for your future pieces, and also your vocab. Your choice of words doesn't have to come straight from the dictionary of really long words, but don't be afraid to enrich your piece. Decorate the damn thing :')

I hope I helped.
Keep writing.

Yours in ink,
TS.

This is great. I'm guessing if you are writing like this, that you have read Bukowski? if not, check him out, I think you guys have the same approach to poetry. The formatting here is novel. I'm not sure if the little prose piece at the top is part of the poem? If so, I like it! I kind of wish it came back in to the poem somewhere, but that's not necessary. I really appreciate the raw, ardent way you have constructed the poem. The initial imagery ( the looking 'with care' ) is kind of odd to me, but I think I get what you are saying. Also,'t'was' ? That seems a little weird in the vocabulary of the poem. I think you could take that out and just say that you looked with care. Anyway that's nit-picky. Later on you have some fantastic Images that just resonate so well. 'Yeah. I'm a failure./And I'm good at it.' is SO powerful and so saddening. I love it. '..I was the antagonist of your Utopian life.' is also pretty epic. My biggest critique would be what I said earlier about vocab. Sometimes it looks like you compromised the flow of your honest language to fit a sort of rhyme scheme. I would say not to worry about that. Your poem speaks just as beautifully without it and when it needs to happen ( like at the end there ) it does naturally so. If you really want the rhymes, then try to work on making them flow with the language. This is some good stuff and I hope to see more!

Not really sure you got the point across. FIrst off I am assuming the "h" is hurt?? I think you might want to expand this or if it is longer, put the rest on. I feel this is too short to really explain the meaning. In the first line thingy, it says

"So I looked at you
t'was with care.
I did it with all my heart
and might as well."

To me, it doesn't really make sense, I don't understand how one can look at someone else with care, or with their heart, unless it was like feeling bad for who ever they're looking at. And i don't get the might as well, it just doesnt fit.

Then, in the second, it says "I saw you too" which I think is unnecissary because it was already stated that the speaker saw him/her and in no way, did the speaker indicate him/herself stop staring at the other person or start doing something else.

The 3rd one, just seems like he or she is suddenly talking, which before it was just thoughts. Which without quotes, it looks sloppy, (its sloppy writing). And doesn't really fit in.

The 4th one, I'm not really sure why "hurts" is plural. And i DOn't think "thank you for pushing me back" makes very much sense, the rest of it seems, not sure how to say it, i guess not so thankful. ... I guess

The first two lines of the 5th stanza are a bit misfitting, in my opinon.

And the last two lines of the 5th stanza and the last stanza or whatever they're called, are good and actually i really like the last stanza.

Just maybe, work on punctuation. But, it seems like a fine idea of something to write about, and i apologize if this review in anyway is offensive, i most definitely try my hardest to not sound mean or judgemental, I'm just not that great at sugar coating!