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E - Everyone Violence

Chapter 2 dream

by ThekingsAdvisor


Outskirts of Frostvale, 1120 of The Year of Light.

Matthew found himself standing in the middle of a lush forest. The rays of the sun peeked through the leaves of the tall trees. He looked around to find the cabin no ware to be seen. He then saw a man in front of him leaning on the stump of a tree, the man is covered in black clothes the hood of his cloak covered his face. Abruptly Matthew felt a tingling sensation in his mouth, he felt an urge to say something. Then the urge slowly rose, from wanting to speak to a desire to yell. Emotions started to pile in his heart, emotions of rage and helplessness. With a sudden force, his mouth was wide open and his tongue had started to speak.

‘Wake up’ he said slowly. Matthew tried to close his mouth, but he lost control of his mouth, and he said again this time louder. Then louder and louder to the point where his voice was echoing in the quiet forest.

The man in front of Matthew awoke, his head slowly rose. Their eyes met, and Matthew realized that he knew that man. Then it had struck him that it was him, the man looked like him same pale skin and the same black hair except for those eyes. Matthew had deep red eyes whilst the man in front of him had deep abyss black eyes that sent chills down to his spine.

When their eyes met Matthew felt a pull from behind him, before he could look back he was awake. Matthew looked around to find himself in the cabin again. He looked to his right to find his father's lifeless body laying there. He had forgotten that his father was dead and that he was now alone. Matthew knew that he had to bury his father, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to bury the last member of his family. Tears dropped from Matthew's eyes, upon noticing the tear, Matthew with a swift motion of his arm cleaned it off of his pale face.

In less than two minutes Matthew was off his bed and ready. He had changed his black wet shirt to a new dry brown one. Matthew was also ready to go outside, he wore his favorite blue cloack that was bought by his father from the village vendors and his gloves which he once stole from a vendor. He hid it from his father for the longest time since he knew his father would yell at him if he found out now. Now Matthew just wished that he could hear his fathers yell again, just one more time.

With a quick motion, Matthew pushed against the door, but to his dismay, the door held strong resisting his push. Matthew tried again, now only a little bit open. After about some time of repetitive motion, the door was opened. The outside was covered in pristine white snow, the glistening white snow hurt his eyes forcing him to squint. The snows were up to his hips but After hours of hard work, Matthew had dug a grave for his father. Then Matthew slowly dragged his father's body outside, he threw the body inside the grave. Matthew stared at the body held back his tears and started to bury his father with a shovel, occasionally tears would leak out from his eyes which he would wipe as soon as they came.

After more minutes of hard work, he had finished burying his father in the ground. Without looking back Matthew went back inside and freshened up. After he had finished changing again he looked at the handkerchief his mother had left for him. When he touched it, memories of his father came to him. Since he was young his father had shielded him from the outside world hence making him ignorant of what was outside this snowy landscape. He had once gone to the town near them with his father in hopes of trading with a vendor and to this day he still remembered the faces of the townspeople. They looked at him like looking at a beast or a demon. When he asked his father about it he answered “They're jealous there just jealous of your eye”. When he was young he had taken it as nothing but the truth, but the more he grew the more he questioned it. Were they jealous of me or were they disgusted with me; Matthew thought. He immediately hit himself in the face. Stop thinking of things that will be of no help, the priority is to survive right now; Matthew thought.

__+__

Minutes turned to hours and hours turned into days and days turned into weeks. As Matthew stared at the last tree bark soup, he sat there in silence. It had been like this for the last couple of days. He would wake up eat go out clear the snow and come back eat then sleep until morning, he hadn't talked for weeks. Occasionally he had to make weird noises to reassure himself that he could still speak and that he was still alive. In a Strange way, Matthew felt that he was dead, he could feel himself walking eating sleeping, but it was as if he felt no emotions he felt alone. The world felt empty.

Matthew, still staring at his bowl full of soup, thought I must go outside; I cannot sit here all my life, just eating and sleeping. Matthew finished his soup in one gulp and got up. He got ready and wore his clothes, Matthew didn't have a bag or anything to carry his belongings, so Matthew took only the clothes he was wearing and the handkerchief that his mother left him. He reached the handle of his door, but at that moment he had stopped. He felt fearful about going to the village, afraid of being stared at with those same eyes filled with disgust. Matthew remembered the hostile faces of the townspeople, but in his heart, he knew that if he didn't go right now he would rot here for the rest of his life. No, I must go I cannot be scared Matthew paused and then said out loud 'Because I am a man'.

______

After walking for who knows how long he was standing 30 meters in front of the gate. He could see the Guards guarding the huge archway leading to the town. While squinting He was able to make out the name of the town “Frostvale”. It had been years since he saw that name. Matthew slowly walked toward it, the closer he got the clearer the sign got, then he noticed the small engravings right below the text, it read “L.I”. Matthew felt like he saw it somewhere he racked his brain trying to remember what it had stood for then it came to him ‘Lady Isoldi’. She was one of the High Nobels, who ruled side by side with the Light. He remembered his father saying that the Isoldi family was one of the four founding High Nobles. His father also said that each of the 12 High nobles had their own signs to mark their territory.

Matthew saw the guards staring at the ground arms crossed. He guessed that they were probably asleep. Without paying them a mind Matthew went through the gate.

The town felt empty to Matthew the last time he had come with his father it was bustling with people, but now there were barely any people. Which was good for Matthew as he didn't want people to notice him. As Matthew was walking he saw something on the ground covered in snow, it was shaped like a child's body covered in snow. Matthew kicked the figure to see what it was. From the impact of his kick, some of the snow dusted off making the figure clear. It was a dead child's body frozen from the cold, its eyes stared at Matthew. He was taken aback, but he wasn't shocked he remembered that when he came to this town with his father he had found a family of three laying on the streets dead. From that he learned that it was common for people to die in Frostvale will it be from the cold or from starving.

______

Frostvale, 1120 of The Year of Light.

Matthew was roaming the streets when he heard a bell ring. Then it rang again. Matthew noticed the people coming out of their house and going toward a big flat rock. Most people in the crowd had worry painted in their faces. The once that were worried were mumbeling something, but he was unable to make them out.

He followed the crowed of people until they were surrounded the flat peice of rock. The rock looked to be cleanly cut Matthew wondered if it was cut by a sword, but he quickly threw the idea away. How could someone cut something like that with a sword? Besides the rock there was a bell, it was a golden bell with some peices of ice still stuck to the side. From behind him, he could hear people yelling:

‘Make way for the Elder, Make way for the Elder!’

Matthew saw people moving back to make space for the “Elder”. Then Matthew saw the person whom he presumed as the Elder. He was a frail man of skin, bone and barely any meat. His eyes looked to be as if they were receding inside his skull. He was surrounded by multiple gurds that were wearing blue cloack with the letter F poorly painted on their back. The gurds gurded him until he was on top of the flat rock. Everyone went silent,then he started to speak:

‘Good noon people of Frostvale, i hope we didnt lose anyone today’ He then paused for a brief moment to cough then continued.

‘I have good news and a bad news...as usual I will start with the bad news. Uhm The south has requested more workers to work in the mines. They have requested in total of five young and strong people to send. Unlike last time we are prohibited from sending childrens to go. If you want to talk more of this then come to the town h-’ The elder started to cough violently Matthew looked around to find no one suprised, it seems it was common for him to be this sickly.

‘Now the good news, this will be the last batch of people that we will be requird to send to the south’ As he said that Matthew noticed that theere reaction didnt change there face were still full or worry and sadness.

After a short while the bell rang again and everyone had started to go back to their houses. Matthew tried to blend in the crowed when he accidentally bumped into someone. The person that Matthew hit fell in the gorund.

‘What is wrong with you boy’ The man says.

The man then looks up and gasps

‘You are one of the red-eyed’ he says out loud.

The crowd of people stops and stares at Matthew. The man who fell on the ground quickly crawls away from Matthew, while crawling away he yells:

‘He is one of the damned. He has the devil's eyes’ The man screams.

Everyone's face changes from that of worry and sadness to terror. Matthew pulled his hood down to hide his eyes.

‘Show me your eyes, if you don't want to die’ The Elder said from behind.

Dammit; Matthew thought. In a quick motion Matthew ran for the gate.

‘Catch the damned’ The Elder ordered.

The five guards that were near the Elder chased after Matthew. Matthew didn't look back and kept running, he then heard a noise from behind. Upon looking back he found that they were shooting arrows at Matthew, and one of them had missed fortunately.

From behind two more guards fired arrows at Matthew. Matthew tried to dodge them but to his dismay one of the arrows penetrates his leg. Matthew stumbled and fell onto the ground, before he could do anything three guards jumped him and restrained his arms and legs.

He struggles to get away but it Led to failure. Then suddenly Matthew feels something hard hitting his head and he loses conscientious.


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Sat Apr 06, 2024 8:49 pm
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RangerofIthilien wrote a review...



Aiya Mellon! (Hello friend!)
Ranger here again for another review since I’ve been rather fascinated in the story as it plays out!

Once again, this was an excellent chapter to read and I am excited to find out what happens next! After reading it I do have a couple tips, pointers, and praise that could help in future chapters but anything you don’t find helpful don’t worry about it!

First, let’s start with a couple critiques and pointers or tips for them.
Throughout this chapter I did notice some grammar mistakes which are easy to fix but just wanted to make you aware of them in case you didn’t know they were there. One example is in the beginning during the dream:

He looked around to find the cabin no ware to be seen.

Here, ware should be instead where and you could even shorten it to nowhere as well if you wish.
Going off of that, there are a couple places where different punctuation could be used as well such as here:
'Because I am a man'.

When someone speaks in literature quotation marks, “like these,” are typically used instead of ‘these.’ Using typical punctuation helps the reader understand the piece better and can lead to less confusion like mistaking speech for thoughts.
In addition, there were a couple odd tense changes like here:
Matthew tried to dodge them but to his dismay one of the arrows penetrates his leg.

Most of the story is in past tense such as the word “tried,” but here, it switches from past tense to present tense with the word “penetrates” and proceeds to flip flop back and forth between the two tenses in the following sentences. This can lead to some confusion for the reader so it’s best to be consistent and stick to one tense in a scene.
The above are mistakes that we all make sometimes so don’t feel bad! They’re simply things to improve on!

Now that we’re done with critiques, let’s move onto the lighter of the two subjects, things I enjoyed in this chapter!
The very first thing I want to mention is the dream and the feeling of foreshadowing. The appearance of the man in Matthew’s dream definitely left me on the edge of my seat with questions about him which I am excited to eventually uncover in future chapters! I got the same feeling of anticipation as well at the end of the chapter with when Matthew was knocked out. I’m hooked and curious as to where they will take him!
On another topic, I enjoy how you describe his thoughts and feelings, especially here:
The rock looked to be cleanly cut Matthew wondered if it was cut by a sword, but he quickly threw the idea away. How could someone cut something like that with a sword?

I love that he still has the imagination of a child yet the logic of an adult that comes into play a second later. It really drives home the fact of him being a new adult and gives a fun aspect to his character!
Staying on the topic of character development I liked how you compared Matthew to the man in his dream and gave a visual as to how Matthew himself looked! Describing the man also added to the above note on foreshadowing, leaving the impression that he is clearly an important character, especially here where you use an excellent example of description with his eyes:
Matthew had deep red eyes whilst the man in front of him had deep abyss black eyes that sent chills down to his spine.


In conclusion this was an exciting chapter to read with Matthew making decisions on his own and seeing how they turn out! From the cliffhanger at the end I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next in the story and will watch out for the next chapter you post! Anyway, that’s all for now! I hope you find this review helpful!

Until we meet again!

- Ranger




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Sat Apr 06, 2024 7:00 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Oh, wow! There was a lot more to sift through in this chapter, and so much of it was absolutely brilliant! From Matthew's final days in the cabin, to that shocking incident in Frostvale, you provided us with telling characterization, progressed the plot at just the right pace, and gave us some great worldbuilding! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

This chapter was very well-written! Again, you gave us lovely descriptions, and I noticed some more sensory notes in them, really bringing out the setting. And I loved the incredible detail you gave us! So as far as content goes, no complaints at all, you're doing brilliant on the story. For formatting, grammar, and such, I once again have some recommendations free to take or leave, though these ones are minor:

The snows were up to his hips but After hours of hard work, Matthew had dug a grave for his father.


I think the beginning may be better worded "the snow was up..."

He would wake up eat go out clear the snow and come back eat then sleep until morning, he hadn't talked for weeks.


First of all, love this line, it's great for showing the "grind" of Matthew's days now. Maybe to help it read a little bit smoother, since it's a list of actions, you could separate them by commas. "Wake up, eat, go out, clear the snow, come back, eat, then sleep until morning." Maybe? Of course all changes, if any, are up to the author ~

This is also just my opinion, and I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. Your chapter was still great ~

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, there was so much to love here!

First of all, once again, great job on your descriptions! Right from the beginning, your words build up a gorgeous visual:

Matthew found himself standing in the middle of a lush forest. The rays of the sun peeked through the leaves of the tall trees.


Like poetry! The way you describe the sun peeking through the trees just gave that much more impact to the imagery, great on you for that. Another description that was VERY well done was the ones for Matthew's actions and how he's feeling in the moment, like here:

Abruptly Matthew felt a tingling sensation in his mouth, he felt an urge to say something. Then the urge slowly rose, from wanting to speak to a desire to yell. Emotions started to pile in his heart, emotions of rage and helplessness.


What incredible attention to detail, and great use of sensory notes! It really draws the reader into the story and places them in Matthew's position, and as you bring up the rising emotions, it allows us to understand and empathize with the character. And that's just what you want for your protagonist, so great work!

That moment of empathy gets even stronger here, and it even more clearly shows your skill in reflecting the characters' emotions. Like showing his struggles, internally and externally:

He didn't want to bury the last member of his family. Tears dropped from Matthew's eyes, upon noticing the tear, Matthew with a swift motion of his arm cleaned it off of his pale face.


Occasionally he had to make weird noises to reassure himself that he could still speak and that he was still alive.


That last line is also a great way of reflecting loneliness, which is very understandable for Matthew to be feeling. Knowing that added to the point that he doesn't want to bury his father, but it also added to the interest in the village, as he thinks about going there. Even in these circumstances, he still hesitates, which says a lot...Then, reaching Frostvale, I thought you handled its introduction very well:

‘Lady Isoldi’. She was one of the High Nobels, who ruled side by side with the Light. He remembered his father saying that the Isoldi family was one of the four founding High Nobles. His father also said that each of the 12 High nobles had their own signs to mark their territory.


This not only gave us some introductory details on Frostvale, but you used it to weave in information about the Light and the broader world here. Speaking of details on Frostvale...

He was taken aback, but he wasn't shocked he remembered that when he came to this town with his father he had found a family of three laying on the streets dead. From that he learned that it was common for people to die in Frostvale will it be from the cold or from starving.


It sounds like Frostvale is definitely one of the more troubled areas of the world, and you do good at showing it with this tragic addition of a dead family in the streets. The final thing that really caught my attention in this town was, of course, this:

‘He is one of the damned. He has the devil's eyes’ The man screams.


As a very minor recommendation, maybe an exclamation point [!] would make those shouts pop? That aside, this is a very interesting thing to read. There's a lot of mystery you can dissect from this one point: why are Matthew's eyes perceived as the devil's, what makes the village think that way, and is it limited to this region or would people do this anywhere? And what I'm curious about is: does the fear of his eyes have anything to do with the village's dire conditions? Or is that just nature?

(You don't have to answer, mind you, I just like forming theories as I read things, haha.)

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this chapter was awesome! As I mentioned in the last review, I really see the passion you're putting into it and the skill shining through, and I am likewise becoming more fascinated by this growing world and its characters. Should you choose to continue uploading, I would love to continue helping through reviews (as long as you want them of course haha). What else could help with points, your writing, and getting your name out there, is getting involved with other books on the platform. Here are some great stories that gave me inspiration:

An action-packed and romantic story featuring Greek mythology:

The Daughter of War- Chapter 1: Trial One

A great dragon-themed fantasy story, with lots of action and character growth:

Shadow's Rising: Prologue

A slightly newer urban fantasy story that's going really well, featuring the struggles of a special girl born with golden wings:

Flightless: Chapter 1

Just recommendations of course, you can take them or leave them. Either way, your story is coming along great! Nicely done! :D

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ThekingsAdvisor says...


Thanks for the riview. I will surly check them out they seems like fun read.



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Sat Apr 06, 2024 12:09 am
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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello Hello I hope you don't mind me popping in with a review. Firstly I want to say that writing is a process nothing will be perfect on the first draft nor will someone know everything at the start. It takes time, and experience so if my feedback feels harsh please dont take it as an attack.

To start I want to say the prose could elevated with the use of senses, what does the forest smell like or what does the floor under his feet feel like. Much in the same vein instead of saying what he's feeling the use of body language can tell the feelings they're going through without having to state it point blank. I.E his shoulders sunk and his stomach tied into Knots when he faced his father's body. An example of where this could really help is when the arrows hit him.

Other than that I do feel moments could be heightened if we got glimpses or flashbacks to those visits or his mother. This plays into the principle of show don't tell that can be a hard thing to balance.

Ending this off there are a few lines that confuse me/ have typos/ or feel redundant.

"he wore his favorite blue cloack that was bought by his father from the village vendors"
I think that is meant to be a cloak, rather than cloack.

“They're jealous there just jealous of your eye" I thought it was both it's eyes or it a single one.

"The gurds gurded him until he was on top of the flat rock. Everyone went silent, then he started to speak:" Guard is misspelled many times I would go through to catch them to make sure.

"As Matthew was walking he saw something on the ground covered in snow, it was shaped like a child's body covered in snow. Matthew kicked the figure to see what it was." The second covered in snow seems redundant as you established it earlier. It was shaped like a child is good enough.

"He struggles to get away but it Led to failure. Then suddenly Matthew feels something hard hitting his head and he loses conscientious." That should be lead and consciousness.
there are smaller ones such as you miss spell ground and there in some parts.

Please don't get disheartened, keep writing and Drink water!




ThekingsAdvisor says...


Thank you for the review, and dont worry i want people to critique me like this so that i can grow more as an author. I loved the way you critiqued my work, and it seems that i failed to convey the massage that his mother died while giving birth to him, and that's the reason he has no memories of her. I looked back at my first chapter and i found that i forgot to mention that. (Sorry english is not my first language i am still learning it so my grammers are really bad)




The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson