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Chapter 4 Godmother

by ThekingsAdvisor


Paradise, 1120 of The Year of Light.

Allena walked the streets of paradise as the flickering lights of the cave bugs rolled over her face. She inhaled the scent of century-old stone. the blue rocks in the ceiling of the cave was particularly striking in the gray background. Old tree roots from above seeped into the cave’s ceiling, some were so long that they hung in the air making some of the older Exiles nervous. Allena received nods of respect from the Exiled as she passed them, she liked when they looked up to her, she liked the feeling of power.

Occasionally little kids would come up to her and say thank you to her, whenever this happened to her she would look to the kid's side to check where his parents were at. The closer and the more exposed they were the more points she would give herself.

Today she has been patrolling the streets for hours, but no kids approached her. This disappointed her a little, but deep inside she wanted to patrol the city alone without getting distracted, today was going to be her last day of patrolling before she had her weekly brake. While walking she pondered. Recently Godmother had been acting unusual, sometimes she would randomly jerk to look at another direction amid a conversation or her mouth would crack into a smile.

Allena went on another round of walking before she was off for the day when she saw one of the guards sprinting towards her. The guard stops in front of her, a gust of wind mixed with dust passes by her as he stops and breaths desperately for air. After getting his breath in control he says “Lady Allena, Godmother needs you”. His voice carried a sense of urgency, Allena without asking a question ran off to find Godmother in the ‘Burrowed Castle’.

Allena stood in front of the ‘Burrowed castle’, the castle was of immaculate size as it was carved in the cave wall, it looked more like a fortress rather than a castle.

Allena burst opened the castle door and ran through the marble hallway, she ran straight until she found the ‘Numerous Hall’. Quickly she pushes through another giant door and yelled “Godmother!”.

Allena notices the Godmother on the ground, her hand was perched on top of her head and her knees were on the floor. Allena rushed to her and tightly hugged her, “Godmother what happen”.

Godmother looked at her, her eyes; white and glowing 'He has come, the harbinger has been born '. Allena, taken aback she says:

'Mother, where is he, should we bring him in' Allena's voice was filled with worry and excitmant. After waiting for 10 years they could finally rise up and take revenge on the world. The world that made them into Exiles.

'No, Allena. The time is not ripe. We have to wait until he is at his lowest point than will he be able to free us' Godmother said, she then started to bleed from her eyes as they closed.

Allena put her arm over Godmother's eyes, slowing the bleeding.


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Thu Jun 20, 2024 12:19 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


First Impression

Well I'm doing a little rescue act from the green room here so I haven't had a chance to look through all the previous chapters yet, but going off this one alone it seems quite intriguing. The world here has quite an interesting vibe and the way that this little prophecy almost comes out intrigues me quite a bit about this plot.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Allena walked the streets of paradise as the flickering lights of the cave bugs rolled over her face. She inhaled the scent of century-old stone. the blue rocks in the ceiling of the cave was particularly striking in the gray background. Old tree roots from above seeped into the cave’s ceiling, some were so long that they hung in the air making some of the older Exiles nervous. Allena received nods of respect from the Exiled as she passed them, she liked when they looked up to her, she liked the feeling of power.

Occasionally little kids would come up to her and say thank you to her, whenever this happened to her she would look to the kid's side to check where his parents were at. The closer and the more exposed they were the more points she would give herself.


Oooh well looks like this is quite a regular practice and an interesting one at that. I feel I'd probably know more if I'd read some of the earlier chapters but even just from this it proves itself to be quite an intriguing practice here, that's for sure.

Today she has been patrolling the streets for hours, but no kids approached her. This disappointed her a little, but deep inside she wanted to patrol the city alone without getting distracted, today was going to be her last day of patrolling before she had her weekly brake. While walking she pondered. Recently Godmother had been acting unusual, sometimes she would randomly jerk to look at another direction amid a conversation or her mouth would crack into a smile.

Allena went on another round of walking before she was off for the day when she saw one of the guards sprinting towards her. The guard stops in front of her, a gust of wind mixed with dust passes by her as he stops and breaths desperately for air. After getting his breath in control he says “Lady Allena, Godmother needs you”. His voice carried a sense of urgency, Allena without asking a question ran off to find Godmother in the ‘Burrowed Castle’.


Well looks like we're in the midst of something going ever so slightly wrong here from the looks of things. Definitely a few things to consider going into it there. Love the little bit of tension we get through that.

Allena stood in front of the ‘Burrowed castle’, the castle was of immaculate size as it was carved in the cave wall, it looked more like a fortress rather than a castle.

Allena burst opened the castle door and ran through the marble hallway, she ran straight until she found the ‘Numerous Hall’. Quickly she pushes through another giant door and yelled “Godmother!”.


Well it looks this is even more urgent that the message from the guard there made it out to be at least judging by the reaction that Allena is having here. We'll see how urgent it turns out to be.

Allena notices the Godmother on the ground, her hand was perched on top of her head and her knees were on the floor. Allena rushed to her and tightly hugged her, “Godmother what happen”.

Godmother looked at her, her eyes; white and glowing 'He has come, the harbinger has been born '. Allena, taken aback she says:

'Mother, where is he, should we bring him in' Allena's voice was filled with worry and excitmant. After waiting for 10 years they could finally rise up and take revenge on the world. The world that made them into Exiles.


Oh dear looks like we're in the middle of some sort of prophecy judging by the general look of everything going down in this moment. Definitely begging a lot of questions this one as we get going.

'No, Allena. The time is not ripe. We have to wait until he is at his lowest point than will he be able to free us' Godmother said, she then started to bleed from her eyes as they closed.

Allena put her arm over Godmother's eyes, slowing the bleeding.


Well looks like a small message of hope for them there although one they must be patient about. And wow the consequences of that prophecy coming out there is quite a powerful one, very visceral moment to end on.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall a very interesting chapter. I think I will go ahead and read through some of the other chapters here. It really managed to capture my attention here, especially this prophecy of sorts toward the end.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate


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Tue Apr 30, 2024 8:06 pm
RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Ah, that was a short but very sweet chapter to introduce another character, and another very eerie concept. This region you described sounds awesome, and I loved the mysterious conversation between Allena and her Godmother toward the end. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

No recommendations for content! I really enjoyed this chapter, and you did a great job with both dialogue and building up this new, foreboding atmosphere. There were only some very minor recommendations I could recommend in good faith, free to take or leave ~

The first is with this line:

Allena rushed to her and tightly hugged her, “Godmother what happen”.


I think you're just missing a question mark with this bit. Example: Allena rushed to her and tightly hugged her, "Godmother, what happened?" That's all for there, and then one more here...

'Mother, where is he, should we bring him in'


This is even more minor, but I thought the swap from double quotation marks ["] to a single quotation mark ['] in the dialogue was just a little bit strange.

Both very minor things as I said, and that's it for now! And remember, I am not a professional, so please take my advice with a grain of salt.

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, for a short chapter, there was a lot to enjoy! Firstly, though I try to avoid massive quotes, I had to put this opening in here:

Allena walked the streets of paradise as the flickering lights of the cave bugs rolled over her face. She inhaled the scent of century-old stone. the blue rocks in the ceiling of the cave was particularly striking in the gray background. Old tree roots from above seeped into the cave’s ceiling, some were so long that they hung in the air making some of the older Exiles nervous. Allena received nods of respect from the Exiled as she passed them, she liked when they looked up to her, she liked the feeling of power.


Yes, yes, yes; all of this was incredible! The dark-yet-enchanting visual these words build, the sensory notes that suck you in, and the overall atmosphere was just a brilliant way to start the chapter! And this introduction for Allena was too cool to not mention; the sense of power and respect shown by these people known as Exiles, and the confidence she takes from that, already has me fascinated by her character and her greater role in the story.

As Allena heads into that ominous castle and confronts her Godmother, the conversation seems to immediately build tension. The hype surrounding this "Harbinger" has me curious enough (and I think I know who it is lol), but the following hints...

'Mother, where is he, should we bring him in' Allena's voice was filled with worry and excitement. After waiting for 10 years they could finally rise up and take revenge on the world. The world that made them into Exiles.


So much to question here! How will the Harbinger help them, how did they wind up as Exiles in the first place, are these characters as antagonistic as they sound or is there more going on? Very curious! And of course, this response...

'No, Allena. The time is not ripe. We have to wait until he is at his lowest point [then he will be] able to free us' Godmother said, she then started to bleed from her eyes as they closed.


[Sorry minor nitpick about structure lol]. That eerie answer, and the grim description of blood coming from her eyes, continued to build up that tension and anticipation for what all of it means, and the idea of the Harbinger being at his "lowest point" before they strike is a terrifying notion.

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, that was an awesome chapter, nicely done! :D

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ThekingsAdvisor says...


Thank you for the review /\/\.




"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns