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Chapter 5 locked

by ThekingsAdvisor


The snow outside had started to melt from the heat of the sun, the sun floated in the sky like a yellow plate. Rays of the sun fell on the cabin where Matthew was locked up, the snows that had gathered on top of the roof was changing form, going from white snow to cold water.

Outside people surrounded the cabin, no one dared to even breathe loudly. The scene of the Elder's death was still crystal clear in their memories. Their hearts felt like it was being stretched, and that if they breathed any louder it would pop.

The Envoy who had come from the south was standing outside of the door, behind him were the blue guards; their hands and feet shook from fear. Just like the townspeople there minds were dominated by the memories of the Elders death. The metallic smell of the blood had already dissipated from the air, but the smell was still fresh from the people. Even though it had been three days since the Elder's death.

The Envoy slowly opened the door to the cabin. Inside Matthew sat on the floor, he was shackled from his eyes to his feet. He looked like a golden cocoon that had just started its metamorphous process.

Matthew jolted awake upon hearing the sound of the door creaking open. He shakenly turned his head toward the direction of the door, which took a toll on him as he hadn't slept nor had he eaten for days. He felt pain just from being awake. The golden chain that bound him, felt as if they were seeping into his skin. Becoming one with the skin.

The Envoy looked behind and announced:

'The demon is harmless, the chains restrained his power'. Inside the Envoy knew that the chains couldn't do anything to Matthew, they were just there to help calm the townspeople, as they were a superstitious lot who still believed in the power of gold wares. The North were the opposite of the South, they were arrogant, dirty, and superstitious.

Upon announcement, the Townspeople breathed a sigh of relief. They felt as if a great load was off their chest, but they still didn't dare to raise their voice. The Envoy then said:

'Rest assured, the demon will no longer be able to harass the people, as he will be dealt with by the higher-ups of the Order.' As he finished, the Envoy stared at one of the blue guards next to. The guard flustering walked and grabbed a cage.

The cage was covered with a black blanket, covering anything that lay inside. With a swift motion, the Envoy had removed the blanket revealing a bird inside. The bird looked like an owl, but it was different, as it had Six wings and furs rather than fathers on it.

The envoy pulled out a small piece of parchment paper and put it inside of the cage. The owl-like bird grabbed it with his feet and looked up as if ready to dominate the sky. It then opened the cage door by itself and flew out, awing everyone in the process.

The Envoy smiled, he said inwardly; humph, open your eyes. This is a creation of the south and the light. The man-made mythic. The lunar owl


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Wed Jun 19, 2024 9:06 pm
EllieMae wrote a review...



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Hi there friend! Ellie here with a quick review. Let's get started!

Outside people surrounded the cabin, no one dared to even breathe loudly. The scene of the Elder's death was still crystal clear in their memories. Their hearts felt like it was being stretched, and that if they breathed any louder it would pop.


Right from the beginning, you use a lot of description about what is happening to get us engaged and caught up with the story. I really enjoy this details. I found them to be simple and easy to read. From what I have read so far, this is an engaging plot as well.

The Envoy slowly opened the door to the cabin. Inside Matthew sat on the floor, he was shackled from his eyes to his feet. He looked like a golden cocoon that had just started its metamorphous process.


OOH! I love the descriptions we are getting here. A golden cocoon that had just gone through metamorphosis. That paints such a clearer image in my head. Amazing job with this section, especially. It really stood out to me because of this description that you used. It paints a beautiful image, really.

'The demon is harmless, the chains restrained his power'


I would recommend using " " quotations here instead of ' '.

The Envoy smiled, he said inwardly; humph, open your eyes. This is a creation of the south and the light. The man-made mythic. The lunar owl


You are missing a period at the end of this last sentence. Besides that, this was a wonderful way to end! Overall, nice chapter and I look forward to reading more in the future. Keep writing!

Your friend,
Ellie

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Sun May 05, 2024 7:26 pm
RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Alright, that was a great chapter to continue Matthew's side of the story! I love the way you describe what's become of this region after the Elder's death, and that lingering atmosphere of dread and uncertainty. The Southern Envoy being involved, and this incredible new creature, adds a new layer of uncertainty that has me very curious! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Not much to put here! Your descriptions are lovely, for both the setting and the characters. Naturally, I did pick up some things I could make recommendations to in good faith, free to take or leave.

The snow outside had started to melt from the heat of the sun, the sun floated in the sky like a yellow plate. Rays of the sun fell on the cabin where Matthew was locked up, the snows that had gathered on top of the roof was changing form, going from white snow to cold water.


I love this description, and there's nothing technically wrong at all. Although, from a nitpicky perspective, there were very minor details like "sun" getting repeated a lot so I thought it could be spruced up like..."The snow outside had started to melt from the heat of the sun, which floated in the sky like a yellow plate. Its warm rays fell on the cabin where Matthew was locked up, and the snow that had gathered on top of the roof was changing form, going from white snow to cold water [or slush could also work nicely here]."

Their hearts felt like it was being stretched, and that if they breathed any louder it would pop.


I thought this sentence just read a little bit awkwardly. Perhaps... "They felt like their hearts were being stretched, and that if they breathed any louder, they would pop."

Just like the townspeople there minds were dominated by the memories of the Elders death.


This is an extremely minor case of grammar; the "there" in "their minds" and the missing apostrophe in "Elder's death." I make similar mistakes all the time, lol.

As he finished, the Envoy stared at one of the blue guards next to. The guard flustering walked and grabbed a cage.


Maybe just a little touchup here? Like, clarifying that the Envoy staring at one of the guards next to him, and the second bit could be... "The flustered guard walked away for a moment, then returned with a cage."

Now, of course, this is just my opinion and I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. None of this is intended to be negative either, I'm just hoping to help, and the chapter is great as it is too ~

Why The Grin Widened...

First, you once again did a brilliant job with your descriptions, from the visuals to the sensory notes. And you can really feel the cold, tense atmosphere with how you describe the villagers' reactions and the position Matthew is in. Like, one of my favorite examples, here:

The metallic smell of the blood had already dissipated from the air, but the smell was still fresh from the people. Even though it had been three days since the Elder's death.


The idea that the "scent of blood" is fresh in the people's minds is just such a chilling, vivid, and even poetic way to tell us that they're still upset about the Elder's death. I love this attention to detail in the chapter -and it's something I keep noticing in all the chapters you've put out this far, honestly. Beautiful work there, great job!

He shakenly turned his head toward the direction of the door, which took a toll on him as he hadn't slept nor had he eaten for days. He felt pain just from being awake. The golden chain that bound him, felt as if they were seeping into his skin. Becoming one with the skin.


Again, great way to show us the character's perspective, but the physical level in Matthew's is -again- very chilling and unsettling, with details like painful insomnia and chains "becoming one with his skin." Ah, great descriptors! And speaking of the chains, I like how you used that as a segway to talk about the regions...

they were just there to help calm the townspeople, as they were a superstitious lot who still believed in the power of gold wares. The North were the opposite of the South, they were arrogant, dirty, and superstitious.


The idea of people from the North being "arrogant" and "superstitious" definitely explains a lot about what we've seen thus far, so appreciated reading that, and it's very interesting to know that people in the South are the exact opposite. Hopefully, that means Matthew will actually receive some help soon...In the meantime, that was another great, subtle piece of worldbuilding.

And finally...

The bird looked like an owl, but it was different, as it had six wings and furs rather than fathers on it.


This is a creation of the south and the light. The man-made mythic. The lunar owl.


This new creature sounds incredible! I love how you described it, and that final eerie hint toward what it is -and its significance to the South- is the perfect way to leave off on this chapter, and the mystery surrounding that creature, for now.

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, great job on this chapter! Nicely done! :D

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The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality