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Chapter 3 Dark

by ThekingsAdvisor


Frostvale, 1120 of The Year of Light.

Matthew slowly awoke from his slumber; upon awaking he found himself in a cabin. Matthew tried to move but he failed, he realized that he was restrained by tightly knotted ropes while sitting on the cold wooden floor. Abruptly the stench of rotten wood invaded his nostrils making him almost throw up. Where...am I; Matthew thought. Abruptly the door in Infront of him banged open. Two guards wearing blue cloths had barged in. Then one of them shouted:

"He is awake, call the Elder!" His shout was followed by footsteps of what Matthew guessed to be of the panicked townspeople, and Yellings. It was hard for Matthew to decipher what was happening, everything seemed blurry and groggy to him. The noises slowly calmed down and everyone shushed. Matthew then looked at the door to find the frail Elder standing outside.

"You unholy spawn of demon...you shall be punished for what you have done" The Elder said. Anger and confusion wailed up in Matthew's heart, he said:

"What have I done, just because i have different eye color than you people, you are treating me like a demon!" Matthew shouted at them. large bulging veins were apparent in the Elders face.

"How dare you say that your shameless demon, before your birth Most of us made out alive during the winter, but after your red-eyed...witch mother gave birth to you. Half of the people of the town died! Even my daughter my sweet daughter, died." The Elder shouted. His eyes were mad with anger and his veins looked as if they were going to pop out.

More anger started to build up inside of Matthew How dare they call my mother a Witch, just because my mother had red eyes they called her a witch; Matthew thought. Before Matthew could ponder more the Elder yelled out.

"You will be punished when the darkness harmonizes with the light, you foul demon’"The Elder said, he then accompanied that out by spitting on the floor, and a closed door.

Matthew was able to hear people outside shouting and yelling at him through the woods. After several minutes it had come down. Britting his teeth Matthew sat on the cold floor, the hearth was not lit. Which in turn made the whole room cold. He could feel his heart burning from rage, his stomach was hurting, and he really wanted to punch the Elder for saying such a heinous thing about his mother.

________

Matthew sat on the floor for who knows how long, he tried to sleep, but hunger was gnawing at him. Then finally when sleep was coming to him, he heard yelling and footsteps outside. The wooden door barged opened again, this time there were three guards instead of two, as soon as they saw Matthew awake, they picked him up and restrained his already immobile leg. All of the townspeople were making way for them, all of their faces painted with hatred and terror.

Matthew looked in the direction they were taking him, it was toward the flat rock where the Elder gave his speech. Matthew noticed the wooden pole in the middle then it hit him They are going to witch burn me; Matthew thought. Matthew was very familiar with this ritual; he once saw his father showing him a demonstration on how to burn a witch properly. When he was little, he thought that it was flamboyant, now it didn't seem so flamboyant.

The guards tied his hands, legs and his stomach to the pole. The ropes were so tight that Matthew felt like the ropes were digging into his skin.

Matthew noticed everyone surrounding him silently. Then he saw the Elder approaching him. He stood Infront of Matthew and said:

“The time has come for the punishment of you, you senile demon, today we will be free from your curse's” The Elder said. Matthew then heard rustling metal chains and horse hooves smacking on the snowy ground. He looked to his right to find a envoy. Why is there an envoy of the Holy Order here; Matthew thought. The envoys of the Holy Order or the Light Gurds, never get themselves in trouble with the people unless its order from the Holy Order or from the Light himself. Before Matthew could ponder any further the envoy yelled out:

“What is happening here Elder...you were ordered to send more people not to carry out a witch burn” The envoy said. He wore metal armor from head to toe, even his horse resembled him. Matthew stared at the left of his chest where the Magnus family symbol lay, it was a gorgeous symbol. The Magnus family symbol was composed of a crown decorated with four big rubies representing the four founding Nobel families then followed by 8 blue stones which represented the rest of the High Nobels. In the middle of the crown there was a huge beaming light which represented the King wearing the crown making him the Light.

The Elder upon noticing the envoy, respectfully said:

“Sir, this is necessary, if the demon is not delt with more people will die”

The envoy looked toward Matthew. Matthew felt as if he could see behind his metal helmet, he could see that annoying stare that everyone gave him.

“Well then finish it quickly” The envoy replied with a groan.

“As you order” The Elder replayed back.

The Elder reached out his hand. One of the guards brought in a burning stick. The Elder slowly came closer to Matthew. With each step Matthew felt the heat increasing as the flame got closer to him, he felt himself getting angrier and scared.

The burning torch was now Infront of him, burning brightly. Fear came into Matthew I dont want to die; Matthew thought, the flame was so close that he felt his eyes melt. Abruptly everything stopped frozen in place. Matthew averted his eyes downward at the shadow next to the Elder; he felt connected to it. Matthew reached out to it in desperation, and he grabbed it. He imagined a knife and the shadow turned to a knife; with a swift motion, the knife penetrated the side of the Elder.

Everything started to move again, everyone watched as the Elder collapsed on the floor bleeding out from his guts. Everyone went into a panic, people started to scream and run.

“The DEMON HE WILL KILL US ALL” the crowd started to yell in terror. People fluttered like clueless birds.

Matthew in that moment felt a strange sense of glee and peace, he was feeling the same feeling a farmer would after a bountiful harvest. He felt satisfied. A slow uncontrollable smile broke into his face. Matthew then tried to use the same power again. He tried to bring that feeling out again, but he couldn't feel it.

Abruptly, Matthew fell unconscious.


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Fri Apr 26, 2024 4:21 pm
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RangerofIthilien wrote a review...



Hello Hello!
It's your friendly neighborhood Ranger again, back to leave another (although a little more then slightly late) review! I hope you've been having a good day and what I have to leave in this review is helpful to you as a writer! let's jump right into it, shall we?

This was an exciting and tense chapter to read with Matthew appearing to have a power, the appearance of the Light Guards, the death of the Elder and more! I'm really excited to see what this leads to next in this story!

Once again, I would like to start off with a couple critiques and brushing up on things that could be improved throughout the chapter.
I noticed that in the beginning and middle of the story you used italics for his thoughts and are getting the hang of it, so great job on that! Although, I did notice two small spots where it was forgotten that I wanted to point out to you which is here,

They are going to witch burn me; Matthew thought.


and here.

I dont want to die; Matthew thought,


Following along the lines of those two parts, some punctuation might be useful between Matthew's actions or feelings and thoughts. For example:

Fear came into Matthew[,] I dont want to die; Matthew thought,


Here either a comma or period might help to separate description and his thoughts a bit more and make his thoughts a bit more prominent. In other places too a bit more punctuation might be handy. (Although I know it can be hard to remember in the spur of the moment. Especially when writing an exciting, action filled chapter such as this :) )
The last thing I noticed was just some simple errors in two places.
Here, the word infront doesn't need to be captialized.

The burning torch was now Infront of him,


And here, the correct spelling of Gurds would be Guards.

The envoys of the Holy Order or the Light Gurds,


Other then those few things, the entire chapter was really good! I can really tell in this chapter that you're progressing and bettering your works and writing! you're doing great!

Now, without further ado, let's get into some specifics of what I really enjoyed while reading this!
The very first thing I want to mention here is I love how smoothly the chapter seemed to flow while still keeping the excitement and anticipation sky high! You showed it marvelously in the part where Matthew discovers his power! I adore how you described the feelings to build up anticipation but still made sure what happened next surprised me as a reader! The italics in that same paragraph help drive home the description too so no one gets confused between the feeling of for example reaching out while not literally doing it.
After that paragraph a really admire how you quickened the pace again to describe the way everything seemed to resume to normal speed. It helped bring forth the sense of panic the crowd felt for a moment before focusing on the main character again with an opposite feeling. The metaphors you used also really helped the description, my favorite one being this one:

People fluttered like clueless birds.


If I had enough time to praise this work to its fullest I would be here all day! There was so much I loved! Many parts of the above can also cross over to other parts, for example the excellent descriptions throughout the entire work and the way you drove home the emotions and feelings of Matthew!

In conclusion, this was an absolutely marvelous chapter and I can really see the progress you've made in this one compared to the last couple. I had a wonderful time reading this and hope this review is helpful to you in some way or another! I look forward to more of your works in the future and hope you have a great day!

Until we meet again!
-Ranger




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Fri Apr 12, 2024 3:27 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

Once again, it seems I am fashionably late, haha. It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Oh, what a tense chapter! Seeing Matthew restrained in his cabin, then the vitriol and accusations launched at him once the townspeople break in, added so much anticipation and anxiety for what was to come next. Then the stake, and the prospect of a witch burning really amped things up -before an awesome display of mysterious power to turn the tables! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Not much to put here! Now please don't take this as me saying anything negative about your past chapters, but I am personally noticing an increase in excellence with each new chapter. You're improving your skill already, and that's both great and impressive!

As for specifics, descriptions were very well done; not just for setting, but for the emotions the characters are displaying, including the accompanying inflections, body language, and other details. You're really good with capturing the mood of each chapter. I do have some recommendations I could make in good faith, but bear in mind all of them are quite minor:

Abruptly the door in Infront of him banged open.


Just a little thing here, it looked like "in" got repeated here. Perhaps "the door in front of him" would fit a little better.

Matthew noticed the wooden pole in the middle then it hit him They are going to witch burn me; Matthew thought.


Just a little formatting thing here, "they are going to burn me" wasn't italicized like other thoughts. I don't know if that was intentional or not, I just thought I'd point it out in case it wasn't. Either way, not a big deal.

“The time has come for the punishment of you, you senile demon, today we will be free from your curse's” The Elder said.


Another tiny thing here toward the end, just about the apostrophe in "curse's" there. The apostrophe makes it possessive, so maybe it could read as "your curse's grip" or "your curse's pain" or something like that. Otherwise maybe "your curses" or just "your curse." All of these work well with the line too.

Again, all of these were quite minor, the overall writing job was very good! And of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt.

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, there was so much I enjoyed in this chapter!

Like I mentioned, your descriptions are incredible. Like in the beginning, not only did you give us a clear image of the setting, but the accompanying sensory notes really drew us into the scene:

Matthew tried to move but he failed, he realized that he was restrained by tightly knotted ropes while sitting on the cold wooden floor. Abruptly the stench of rotten wood invaded his nostrils making him almost throw up.


And as I mentioned before in this review, you do really good with the characters and their actions/emotions as the story progresses. Like the way you show the Elder's anger in this moment:

"after your red-eyed...witch mother gave birth to you. Half of the people of the town died! Even my daughter[,] my sweet daughter, died." The Elder shouted. His eyes were mad with anger and his veins looked as if they were going to pop out.


Not only were the details of the "eyes mad with anger" and bulging veins great, but the line itself was very interesting to learn as it relates to the story. The townspeople blame Matthew, or at least his mother, for the lives lost? Wow, remembering the grim state of the village, that's a steep accusation and came as quite a shock. It already has me wondering if there's validity to it, or if fear and desperation have just led the people to pin the blame on a pariah. So mysterious, it leaves so much to learn while building tension. Very cool ~

“Well then finish it quickly” The envoy replied with a groan.


The fact that an envoy of a noble family reacted so callously and carelessly to the stake and the imminent burning was another surprise, and kind of hints toward this behavior possibly being a little more widespread than Frostvale, whether it's fear of his eyes or just a lack of care for the life of a "commoner" in this region. Again, that's an interesting detail to the story; I love all these hints we're getting, not just to tell us about the characters, or to form theories, but also for the gradual world-building within them.

And finally...

Matthew reached out to it in desperation, and he grabbed it. He imagined a knife and the shadow turned to a knife; with a swift motion, the knife penetrated the side of the Elder.


So Matthew actually DOES have powers of some sort? Fascinating!! And that was a really cool description of an ability. Whether you upload more or not, I would love to learn about the magic system in this world ~

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, another awesome chapter, I really enjoyed this one! You're doing great not just writing, but building up these characters and their world! Nicely done! :D

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ThekingsAdvisor says...


Oh, thank you for the review, and thanks for pointing out the italicized part. I was having a hard time remembering to italicize it. (I realized a flash fiction named The Apartment, and I would appreciate some review. IF you want to, and thanks for the review)




So verily with the hardship, there is a relief, verily with the hardship, there is a relief.
— Quran Ch 94:5-6