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Flightless: Chapter 1

by Avian


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Author's note in the comments. Enjoy :)

    

I’m starting to think that they hate us. That they hate me.

Mom tells me that they just want control, that they’re scared of us. But I know the difference between fear and hate. Hate is the vile being that stems from fear. And once it takes hold, it doesn’t like to let go. Hate blinds people to carelessness, makes them believe they don’t care about something, not even the tiniest bit. They don’t care what happens to us, not even if we die.

And I’m witnessing that hate right now.

I sit on the stairs, where my parents can’t see me. I haven’t been able to sleep well the past few nights. It’s become sort of a routine where I sit and listen to the television while my parents watch the news. It’s silly, I know it is, but it’s better than scrolling on my phone until I fall asleep at an ungodly hour of the morning.I sit on the stairs, where my parents can’t see me. They sent me to bed once the news channel turned on. I wanted to know why, so I crept down the hallway as silently as I could and crouched by the railing.

The news lady’s voice rings loud in my ears, even though the TV is in a different room. “Today marks the investigation of the death of three Avians who were shot and killed in the streets of Charlotte. Witnesses claim that the killing of these Avians was an act of self-defense, as they had been the ones to provoke a group of college students. Those same witnesses are referring to this rag-tag group of students as heroes, for protecting the people from rouge Avians. No footage was caught of the beginning of the fight. However, we can clearly see the end.”

The lady’s voice cuts out, followed by angered shouts. I can’t see the footage, but I can at least picture what might be happening. Avians and humans fighting, both parties pushing each other around. Eventually, the Avians will try to back down and leave, because we have at least some sort of common sense.

What I’m not prepared for this the gunshot. Or the three—no, five—that follow.

The sound reverberates through my body and freezes every fiber of my being. I can’t hear what the news lady says next, only the gunshot again and again and again.

I numbly stand, prepared to go off to bed, when I hear my mother speak.

“Now, that’s just awful!” Her voice is muffled and far away, but I can still make out her words.

“I know, Honey,” my father soothes. “Someone needs to do something.”

I smile solemnly. At least my family is supportive.

“I’m just glad out Athiya isn’t like them.” My mother’s words wrap around my ankles.

“She’s practically human at this point. I’m glad she’s the only one in our town. I’m afraid their influence might affect her.”

My heart stops. Her words cut something deep inside me.

“Those Avians always seem to be causing a scene.”

Each pronounced syllable drives a knife into my gut.

“They’re practically plaguing our country.”

Pushes me further and further away from her.

“Such awful beings.”

Wrenches my eyes open.

“No wonder everyone hates those terrible,”

Prickles my skin.

“vile,”

Makes me want to scream in agony.

“flicks.”

And it feels like the bond holding us together snaps from my chest.

My movements are robotic as I walk to my room. Too much has happened tonight for me to process. Not ever have I heard my mother speak like that. Is that what my parents really think? Am I plaguing their house? This town? That’s what I’ve been told my entire life, so maybe it’s time I start to beleive it.

My parents always stand up for me. Tell me I have a place here. It seems that’s never really been the case. I re-think everything they’ve ever told me. Every time they told me they loved me, that I belonged, that they were blessed to have me. Was it all a lie? What would they have even accomplished by lying to me?

I flop down on my bed, wrapping my golden wings around my broken body. I try my best not to cry, but it doesn’t work. The only witness to my sadness is my pillow, who catches my tears as they fall. Maybe the walls, too, who watch me fall apart.

I wonder why I was born into a human family. Avians born into human families stopped years before I was born. Nowadays, Avians are only born from two Winged parents.

The first wave of Avian babies shocked the world. No one knew where they came from or why they were there. All we knew was that winged children were rare but common enough that a substantial population had been built. The mystery still remains today.

But just as the world began to accept the idea of Avians, their births suddenly ceased. We were left with a single generation scattered with feathers.

Then there’s me. I wasn’t supposed to be born. My parents were terrified when they realized I was Avian. Just as no one could explain the other Avians, no one could explain me. Maybe I was born into the wrong generation. Maybe I’m not supposed to be alive at all.

Either way, my parents still raised me with love and care. But tonight changes everything, and I don’t know if I can go back.

….

I completely ignore my parents in the morning, rushing down the stairs and out the door before they can even acknowledge me. I expect school to be just as terrible as it normally is, even with the added weight of last night.

For me, school isn’t just the typical homework and boy drama. I don’t have the luxury of boy drama, even if I wanted it. But that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the harassment. No, no, not bullying. Harassment.

Having things stolen, getting called slurs in the hallway, having feathers plucked from my wings and held up like a trophy, being physically harmed, threats of violence and death, and being excluded from all activities and social groups. These things all happen. Not just at school, either. It’s practically everywhere I go, direct and indirect.

But no one can do anything to stop it. Because I’m an Avian—a flick—that the town doesn’t want. One more time getting beat up, and I might suffer so much brain damage that I will leave the town—and the world altogether.

I try my best to keep quiet. I’ve tried standing up for myself, but that only ever resulted in worse injuries. Instead, I do my work, stay quiet, and eat my lunch in the bathroom. Or, better yet, I’ll just skip lunch altogether. It reduces the risk of someone walking in on me.

The only good thing about staying quiet is that I hear all the gossip.

“Did you hear about Kyla? She got caught with drugs in her car.”

“I heard that she and Charles had sex in that same car.”

“Oh my God! Ew! Why would he ever want to bang Kyla?”

“At least he didn’t go for the flick.”

The group of girls snickers at the table in front of me. I barely even register their voices until they mention me. I’d like to say that I’ve gotten used to everyone’s snide comments, but it still stings like a fresh wound every time.

I resist the urge to walk up to them and slap them all across their pretty little faces. I wonder what they’d do if they couldn’t cover up such an imperfection with layers of makeup. I tell myself it’s not worth it. They’re not worth my energy.

“Oh my God, guys, she’s right behind us,” a girl points behind her and laughs.

They turn to me with pseudo smiles. “We’re so sorry. We didn’t actually mean what we said. It was just a joke! You know that, right?”

People like these girls have got to be the worst kind of bullies. They’ll laugh and point behind my back but don’t have the guts to say anything to my face. Instead, they’ll show empty remorse with a savior complex. They think they’re better than everyone else just because they offered an apology.

I grit my teeth. “It’s fine.”

“Okay, good, because we didn’t want to, like, hurt your feelings or anything. Don’t get mad, okay? We really didn’t mean anything by it, I swear.”

Oh, of course, they didn’t. It was just a joke. I can’t be mad or upset because it was just a joke. Something angry and vile boils under my skin. Who the hell are they to tell me what I can and can’t feel?

I feel a small poke on my wing, and I snap around. A boy with greasy brown hair holds up one of my feathers with a sneer. He waltzes over to the girls, holding up the golden feather victoriously like it’s an accomplishment to easily pluck something off of me.

“Jay! Don’t be mean to her!” One girl smiles and shoves the boy’s shoulder playfully.

There it is; the fake empathy, the savior complex, the monstrous ego.

I decide I’ve had enough. I slowly rise from my desk, hands planted firmly on the wood. “You’re holding a part of my body,” I say slowly, articulating each syllable.

The group turns to me. “W-what?” Jay studders.

“Was I not clear?” I snap. “You are holding a piece of my body.”

Jay looks at the feather like it’s something gross. Honestly, I’m glad he does. It is disgusting that he’s holding a part of me between his fingers. Revolting and foul.

When he drops the feather with a scoff, I sit down. I have to take a few breaths before my vision stops spinning with blinding anger. I have a terrible feeling that I’m going to regret saying anything, but for now, I don’t even want to think about the consequences.

I’ve been hearing about Avians all day. Murmurs in the hallway, groups crowding around phones, gasps of astonishment. I ignore it for the most part; people always have tunnel vision on the great anomaly of Winged people.

That is, until a a girl with makeup caked on her face approaches me. “Hey, flick.”

I look to the voice on instinct, even though I know I need to stop answering to the slur. I squeeze my eyes tight with frustration and turn away, but not before she speaks again.

“Oh, scared, are you? Look at me. I have something to ask you.”

With a multitude of curses trying to force their way to my tongue, I face the girl who’s walked up to my desk. She shoves a phone close to my face so quickly that I flinch back. I push the phone away so I can actually see what’s been put in front of me.

“You know anything about this? I bet you’re the one who called them here.”

Honestly, how does she think we work? How would I contact these Avians? Does this girl think I have psychic abilities or something? I don’t totally dismiss the idea, seeing as how she thinks I have anything to do with this situation.

On the screen in a local news article, posted just twenty minutes ago. I try to take the phone from the girl’s hand so I can read it, but she grips the case tight. I roll my eyes and swipe down to the text.

The first thing I see is a blurry image depicting a flash of black feathers darting behind the corner of a building. My eyes narrow at the picture, inspecting the scene. I can just barely make out the outline of a foot pushing off the ground beneath the wings, but once I spot the shoe, it’s unmistakable.

I blink rapidly, just to make sure my eyes don’t deceive me. This is a local article. This image was taken in our town. My hands tremble as I quickly scroll down further. I skim through the article, my mind going too fast for me to comprehend anything coherently.

There are other Avians here. I’m not alone anymore.


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Avian says...



Shoutout to my fellow Midwestian @APoltergeist and my friend @Youbeaucupid. In one of Pol's novels/stories, there is also a race called Avians, which are very very similar to the Avians in my story. (I swear I didn't plagiarise, I swear I didn't!!!) Cupid created a winged race in one of her stories, as well. They are not called Avians, but I felt credit was due. (Again, I swear I didn't plagiarise, I swEAr I di-)
Anyway, this novel will probably not have very frequent updates, as I don't work on it very often. But, uh, I hope you enjoy! Also please tell me if anything is confusing. Worldbuilding is hard, guys.




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Wed Jul 17, 2024 9:31 pm
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Serrurie wrote a review...



Hey, it's Serrurie, here to leave a review!

The Good Stuff
- Your writing is nearly free of grammatical errors. It reads smoothly and tells a thorough plot for the first chapter.
- You indent and start new paragraphs when someone speaks! *applauses*
- I think that even though the idea is simple (i.e. humans with wings) you take a unique approach as having wings is something that in books (or life) would be something a character would want, but it's negative here. I enjoy how you've taken a twist on it.
- Speaking of which, I think gold wings are an interesting characteristic. My only question is if the rest of her matches (i.e. blonde/gold hair, yellow/amber eyes, etc.)
- I like the twist in the first part of the chapter when we learn her parents' fake love. (good character development)

Room For Improvement
- Even though there is a strong sense of worldbuilding, we don't learn a lot about the setting. What do the house and school look like? What do the characters look like? I think writing some sentences with more imagery would help strengthen your piece.
- I also noticed a few grammatical errors (it may not seem important, but grammatical errors can make or break a book):

Oh, of course, they didn’t.

The comma after 'course' isn't needed. 'They' isn't a transition word, and since this is an independent clause there's no need for the comma. I've seen a couple of times when you put commas in unnecessary areas. If what you suspect is two clauses can actually be one clause on its own, then you don't need the comma.

For more on commas, click this link: Reviews+ Grammar Edits (just request!)

I think that's about it for grammatical errors. You did really well! I will be coming back for the following chapters.

Overall Opinion

- I know people usually don't like negative tones in a story, but I really enjoyed it! We get to see a lot of this character and her navigating this world. You did really well expressing her emotions and the simple but amazing worldbuilding, and it's a really captivating story! Thanks for writing this!

(I couldn't figure out a book to recommend for you, but I can recommend the TV show 'Sweet Tooth' on Netflix. I feel like they have the same vibes in the beginning).

Happy writing!

Serrurie

:elephant:




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Thu May 02, 2024 5:03 pm
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Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello Hello, I hope you don't mind me popping in a quick review. I do understand this is a bit older but I hope I can give some feedback of worth. However, before we start might I ask if you happen to be a fan of James Patterson's maxuimn ride books? As someone who used to be an avid fan and it might still be a guilty pleasure series I come back to one in a while I couldn't help but notice the same energy. Regardless this is a very solid piece and it seems to be a strong start yet there are a few things I want to point out.

I agree with the others the intro is misleading I thought the Mc was way younger. It could be an easy fix, perhaps you could start it a bit earlier and she's arguing with her parents to stay because she's older now she can handle it. Then she could sneak out and watch the TV.

Likewise, I feel you could have slowed down a bit and show her parents trying to talk or spend time with her. It could really help show how awkward and fake people or moments like that can be. On top of that, I would also feel you could kind of show how her peers judge her by adding a line or two about how they watch her or whisper when she passes.


Other than that there are only a few typos or formatting issues I want to point out. For example "I’m just glad out Athiya isn’t like them." Should probably be "I’m just glad our Athiya isn’t like them."

A second line with a small typo is this one. "What I’m not prepared for this the gunshot. Or the three—no, five—that follow." I feel this would work better if it is rewritten to be. " What I’m not prepared for is the gunshot. Or the three—no, five—that follow."

Now I will apologize if this is a bit confusing but in the chunk where her parents are speaking ill about her. I would change the period to one of these - as it shows speaking gets cut off. It could help with the emotional impact as I feel the Mc might not be focusing fully due to how hurt they are. For example, I will just put one line from that chunk to show what I mean.

“No wonder everyone hates those terrible-"

Sorry if this comes off as harsh, I really enjoyed it and it shows promise.

Keep writing and drink water!




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Tue Apr 16, 2024 6:15 pm
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hi there! Thanks so much for requesting a review : )

I like the opening line because we are getting a good perspective on what our main character is feeling and how they are viewing their current world. I read the beginning paragraph thinking our main character is fairly young here, but a further read through tells me that she must be around high school age wise, or a teenager.

Mamma tells me that they just want control, that they're scared of us.
This struck me as a slightly childish tone. I think more so because this threw me off a bit from how Athiya calls her mother "Mamma" here but no where else in this story. Little details like this can help or confuse the reader when they are unsure of what or who exactly the main character is talking about.

I sit on the stairs, where my parents can't see me.

Here is an opportunity for the reader to get more description and a further insight into how exactly the house is set-up or simply based around where exactly is the main character sitting. We could even have a brief scene of Athiya trying to look around a corner down at her parents to read their expressions.

I smile solemnly.

In context, this gives me a conflicted image since I'm trying to picture which parts of the smile are "less" emphasized, such as if her eyes are not brighter, or if she thinks she's smiling, but not really, due to the current topic being discussed. Just some ideas for you to think of how to describe how the main character is feeling and showing how she is feeling.

I appreciate the main character being old enough to truly consider how she is being treated by everyone else, even in her own house. Even her own parents have conflicting views on Avians, or at least, what they decide to tell her compared to how they discuss Avians when she's not around to hear it. That is not an easy scenario to be dealing with and to not let your pain be seen by your loved ones.

If Athiya took the moment to step out of the situation and listened to her parents from an outsider's perspective, then maybe the parents have a personal reason for why they are discussing Avians in this way. For them to say that "I'm glad she's the only one in our town," that feels like a nod to some kind of background development for these characters.

I can understand however, that Athiya in this current moment cannot simply think rationally of what her parents are saying and how she is viewing herself in general. It's not easy to be a teenager in any regular situation, let alone one where she felt isolated and lied to. I also feel bad for her because she has even fewer people to be able to rely on or even talk with that won't be rude to her.

I wonder when Athiya was born for her to be from a different generation than the rest of the Avians. Another question of men is then how old should all Avians be, if the ones that died were around college-age. Especially since some of her fellow students at school are really mean to her and are allowed to be so cruel to her on a daily basis.
You'd think her parents would try to find her a more supportive place for their child to live.

I definitely do not like Jay : ( or any of the girls mentioned. Poor Athiya. I hope that the new arrivals will be able to make friends with Athiya. Or at least, she can meet them and get some advice on how to deal with her current tough decision.

I tried to grab a couple of quotes to better give a few ideas on where my attention went -- I do like how you have structured this story and Athiya seems like a great character so far! Feel free to ask me some specific questions -- I also tried to avoid what other reviewers had already mentioned. I'm excited to read the next chapter!




Avian says...


Thank you for the review, Key!!! I appreciate that your always look at specific places to critique on; it's always super helpful! :D



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Lucian wrote a review...



This is an incredibly well-written chapter, I look forward to the continuation of this story. It has a depth to it about being ostracized from any group, hopefully, it's not inspired by a reality in your own life. Back to reviewing the chapter, the feeling in this girl's voice at the beginning is very strong. The addition of her parents not completely being satisfied with their own child is just another punch to the gut in this character's psyche. The pain that you have put this person through, would eventually make them hate people completely. It was a very good idea to have the character have that rage boiling under her skin, and allowing her to hear all of the other student's mean comments. overall, it was a well-written piece that I hope you continue on.




Avian says...


Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D I hope to have chapter two up soon!



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Tue Mar 12, 2024 3:06 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, My Friend!

I spotted this opening chapter and grew curious, so I’d like to review it using my Familiar method today! It’s pretty much just the YWS’more method with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer lol. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

You gave us an incredible first chapter! It was written so well; you nailed the tone and the emotion, the consistent somber feeling as we are introduced to Athiya's daily struggles, and you wove in some great information on your new world with her story. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

You did an extremely good writing job. No recommendations for content or structure, you gave us all the information we needed at a good pace, no feelings of confusion or info-dumping. I do feel like we're a bit lacking in the main character's description, apart from her wings, but I digress; it is a narrative story so it's not as crucial.

There were two very minor typos I noticed as I was reading, here:

Those same witnesses are referring to this rag-tag group of students as heroes, for protecting the people from rouge Avians.


I think this was meant to be "rogue" Avians. Then one more right here:

“I’m just glad out Athiya isn’t like them.”

I think "our" got swapped for "out" by accident.

That is all. Again, excellent writing job ~

Why The Grin Widened...

And now, for highlights and favorite moments! Um...hold on it'll take a minute to pick only a few things, haha!

Okay, so as I mentioned, you did incredibly well with the pacing and the tone of the story. The tactic you used here really hammered it in:

“No wonder everyone hates those terrible,”

Prickles my skin.

“vile,”

Makes me want to scream in agony.

“flicks.”


Breaking up that line to capture the feeling of each word, and what it is doing to Athiya. That really pushed the insult through -and the fact that it's her own mother speaking comes as a shock. Following with her crying to herself in her room and questioning everything as she reflected on her life, it shows a sense of betrayal and loneliness. Needless to mention this startling moment in her internal monologuing:

Maybe I was born into the wrong generation. Maybe I’m not supposed to be alive at all.


This all creates an unfortunately realistic and very emotional moment that makes it easy for the reader to empathize with her and become invested in her story, in hopes she may find true understanding and belonging soon. So, as far as character introductions go, this was great -though somber. You handled it very well. Big props to you for that ~

The initial worldbuilding was great, especially as you tied it into the character and her position, so it fits in with the story. This one line says a lot to me:

But just as the world began to accept the idea of Avians, their births suddenly ceased. We were left with a single generation scattered with feathers.


So many questions from this alone: what turned "acceptance" into these common reactions of vitriol? Why did Avians appear? Why did they stop appearing? Is this something close to nature like a genetic mutation, and the rates went down because the traits are recessive? Or is this something closer to magic, like a hidden fantasy race? So much to ponder, so much to learn...

(I warn you now, in case you couldn't tell, I like to make theories haha).

Moving onto her school time, you didn't just tell us about her struggles, you actually gave us glimpses of it. The two-faced fake friends, the slurs and gossip in the hallways, that dehumanizing sense of disgust from the boy, and the hostility from the makeup girl. How do I say, they were awful moments to read, but they were written well and I enjoyed reading them? You did a great job writing awful moments? You get the idea I hope, heh...

And finally, that end line:

There are other Avians here. I’m not alone anymore.


Fascinating! Other Avians in the town, when we were led to believe Athiya is alone -not just in her town, but in her whole generation. I feel like it's foreshadowing something big for this troubled MC, and it doubled as a way to hook your readers and make them excited for the next chapter, whenever it may come out. I know I am!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, awesome first chapter. You're a great writer, and thanks for sharing this with us! Nicely done! :)

Image




Avian says...


Thanks for the review, I'm glad the first chapter intrigued you! Also, your questions about the appearance of Avians really made me think about their appearance, too. I haven't really thought too much into it.... wElp! I guess I have more worldbuilding to do!



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Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:37 pm
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Youbeaucupid wrote a review...



Cupid's Sweetheart Spotlights:


Introduction:


SWOOSH! Greetings, lovely Avian!! Cupid here, armed with my bow, arrow, and a sprinkle of stardust for an enchanting adventure. Today, I'm diving into the captivating world of reviews with my very own Cupid's Sweetheart Spotlight. It's like the incredible YWS S'more Method, but with a dash of cupid's magic! Let's get flying, shall we? :D

Fluttering Wings - Initial Impressions:

:0 Is that a story from the lovely Avian I see? It is!! your story hit me right in the feels! From the get-go, it's like diving headfirst into a whirlwind of emotions. I felt every ounce of frustration, every pang of hurt, and every glimmer of hope like it was my own heart on the line. You've got a gift for painting vivid scenes with words, and let me tell you, it's working like a charm!! ✨

Arrow Adjustments - Love Crafting Suggestions:

Alrighty, buckle up, because we're about to sprinkle some serious love on your already amazing story! First off, let me just say, you've got a knack for storytelling that's pure gold! But hey, even Cupid's arrows could use a little sharpening now and then, right? So, here are some tips to take your tale from awesome to out-of-this-world! :)

Dive Deeper into Emotions: Your protagonist's journey is like a rollercoaster ride of feelings, and I'm all strapped in for the wild ride. But why not crank up the emotional intensity even more? Think about those moments when your character is feeling all the feels—anger, fear, heartache, you name it—and really let me dive deep into their emotional turmoil. Show me the sweat beading on their forehead, the tears welling in their eyes, the pounding of their heart like a drum solo. Let's get up close and personal with those emotions and make our hearts race right alongside your character's! ✨

Spoiler! :
Example: Take that scene where your protagonist overhears their parents' conversation about Avians. Instead of just telling me how they feel, show me! Describe the way their chest tightens with every word, the way their breath catches in their throat, the hot sting of tears threatening to spill over. Let me feel every ounce of their pain and confusion as if I'm right there in the room with them.


Show, Don't Tell: Ah, the golden rule of storytelling! Instead of simply telling me what's happening, why not paint me a picture with your words? Show me the sights, sounds, and smells of your world, and let my imagination run wild. Whether it's describing the bustling streets of Charlotte or the quiet solitude of your protagonist's bedroom, immerse me in every little detail and let me experience the story as if I'm living it myself! ❤️‍🔥

Spoiler! :
Example: Remember that scene where your protagonist confronts the bullies at school? Instead of just saying they felt angry, show me the clenched fists, the fire burning in their eyes, the adrenaline coursing through their veins. Describe the way their voice trembles with suppressed rage, the way their whole body tenses like a coiled spring ready to snap. Let me feel the heat of their fury radiating off the page!


Add Layers of Complexity: Life is messy, complicated, and oh-so-beautiful, and your story should reflect that! Don't be afraid to add layers of complexity to your characters and their relationships. Give me flawed, multi-dimensional characters who struggle, grow, and evolve throughout this novel. Show me the intricate web of connections between them, the conflicts and contradictions that make them human. Trust me, it'll make your story feel richer, deeper, and more resonant than ever before!!

Spoiler! :
Example: Take a look at your protagonist's relationship with their parents. Instead of painting them as one-dimensional villains, why not explore the nuances of their dynamic? Show me the love and concern beneath the surface, the fears and insecurities driving their actions. Maybe they're struggling to protect their child in a world that's turned against them, or maybe they're grappling with their own prejudices and biases. By adding these layers of complexity, you'll create characters that leap off the page and into our hearts! <3<3


Alrighty, Av, those are just a few ideas to take your already amazing story to the next level! Remember, storytelling is all about taking risks, pushing boundaries, and pouring your heart and soul onto the page. So go forth, sprinkle some magic on those words, and let your story shine like the star it was always meant to be! 🌟✨

Golden Harp Strumming - Heavenly Highlights:

Alright, my dear friend, let's take a moment to dive deep into the radiant brilliance of your storytelling mastery! Your words are like a symphony of emotions, each note striking a chord deep within the reader's soul and resonating with a melody of pure magic. 🎶

Can we talk about atmosphere? Because girl, you've got it in spades! Whether you're painting a picture-perfect scene of tranquility or plunging us into the depths of despair, you've got a knack for setting the mood like nobody's business. It's like you're casting a spell with every sentence, enchanting us with your lyrical prose and leaving us utterly ~spellbound~ ✨

But wait, there's more! Your characters? Absolute gems, each and every one of them. From the plucky protagonist to the dastardly villains, you've breathed life into them in a way that's downright magical. I'm talking about characters so vivid and lifelike, it's like they've jumped straight off the page and into our hearts. You've created a world so rich and immersive, it's impossible not to get swept away in the tide of your imagination.

And let's not forget about plot twists! You've got a knack for keeping us on the edge of our seats, dangling tantalizing breadcrumbs of intrigue in front of us like a master storyteller. Just when we think we've got it all figured out, you hit us with a twist so unexpected, it's like a punch to the gut. (in the best possible way, of course)

Cherished Verses - Cupid's Favorite Lines:

"I flop down on my bed, wrapping my golden wings around my broken body."


Oh, girl, let's talk about this imagery for a hot second! The way you weave physical sensations with raw emotion is downright poetic. I could practically feel the weight of those golden wings enveloping the protagonist like a warm embrace, offering solace in the midst of turmoil. It's a moment of vulnerability and strength all rolled into one, and let me tell you, it's a scene that's etched into my heart forever! 💗

"I try my best not to cry, but it doesn’t work. The only witness to my sadness is my pillow, who catches my tears as they fall."


Okay, can I just take a moment to appreciate the beauty of this description? You've got a knack for capturing the small, intimate moments that make us human, and this scene is no exception. The way you personify the pillow as a silent witness to the protagonist's pain is nothing short of brilliant. It's a moment of quiet desperation in the midst of chaos, and it's a testament to your incredible talent as a writer!!

"I wonder why I was born into a human family. Avians born into human families stopped years before I was born."


Girl, you've got a gift for world-building that's out of this world! The way you seamlessly blend the fantastical with the everyday is downright mesmerizing. This line, in particular, raises so many questions and sets the stage for an epic journey of self-discovery and acceptance. It's a glimpse into a world brimming with possibilities, and let me tell you, I'm hooked!

"The first wave of Avian babies shocked the world. No one knew where they came from or why they were there. All we knew was that winged children were rare but common enough that a substantial population had been built. The mystery still remains today."


Okay, can we just take a moment to appreciate the sheer brilliance of this description? You've crafted a world that's rich in history and intrigue, with just enough mystery to keep readers on the edge of their seats. It's a testament to your skill as a storyteller, and let me tell you, I'm dying to unravel the secrets lurking beneath the surface! (Also, have you watch sweet tooth? Because this reminds me of that show and I'm living for it!!)

Final Whispers - Closing Thoughts:

Well, Av, it's been a wild ride through the pages of your story, and let me tell you, I'm feeling all the feels right now! Your talent for storytelling is out of this world, and I can't wait to see where this novel takes you next. Keep slaying those dragons and breaking those hearts (in the best possible way of course), 'cause you've got a fan for life right here!

Sending you all my love and heart-shaped arrows, Cupid! 💖




Avian says...


Woah, thanks for such an in-depth review, Cuipid! Your crafting suggestions will be so helpful for editing and future chapters! And yes, I have watched Sweetooth! I absolutely loved it! I tried super hard to not make the plot exactly like the show. I'm pretty sure I started this shortly after I watched it, so I definitely drew inspiration from it!



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Tue Mar 12, 2024 11:44 am
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inprisonforsparkling wrote a review...



Hi there Avian! Ollie here with a review!

First off, I really like the voice and the world you've built here. Athiya is a great narrator and main character so far, and you bring us straight into the action, it's great.

You do have a spelling mistake here at "...protecting the people from rouge Avians." That should be "rogue", not "rouge", but don't worry I totally get it French words are hard.
I would also maybe make the parents' denouncing of the Avians sound a little more natural? Maybe have it go on a little longer, and ease a bit more into the "terrible vile flicks" bit.
Also "...the bond holding us together snaps from my chest." Should maybe be "in my chest"? Could be a personal preference, haha.

BUT overall I loved this chapter! The dialogue and worldbuilding sections are written really nicely. I loved this section:
[Each pronounced syllable drives a knife into my gut.

“They’re practically plaguing our country.”

Pushes me further and further away from her.

“Such awful beings.”

Wrenches my eyes open.

“No wonder everyone hates those terrible,”

Prickles my skin.

“vile,”

Makes me want to scream in agony.

“flicks.”

And it feels like the bond holding us together snaps from my chest.]

Because if I'm a sucker for anything in writing, it's using the medium to Inflict Emotions on the reader, and you do this masterfully with this section. Interspersing the dialogue with Athiya's feelings on the matter really drives home how the words are hurting her and I LOVE IT.

“Okay, good, because we didn’t want to, like, hurt your feelings or anything. Don’t get mad, okay? We really didn’t mean anything by it, I swear.” is also just so well done because it really does sound like something that type of bully would say. You're really good with the students' dialogue.

I also love this part: [I decide I’ve had enough. I slowly rise from my desk, hands planted firmly on the wood. “You’re holding a part of my body,” I say slowly, articulating each syllable.

The group turns to me. “W-what?” Jay studders.

“Was I not clear?” I snap. “You are holding a piece of my body.”] because YES she gets to say something back. On that note you've done a really excellent job of making us feel for Athiya's situation.

Plus the opening line, [I’m starting to think that they hate us. That they hate me.] is great, it immediately draws us in and gives us a sense of Athiya as a character and a narrator.

And I'm really excited to see what happens next with the other Avian(s)! Who are they? Why are they here in this town? What is it going to be like when they and Athiya meet (because I can only assume they're going to meet)?

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. I'm looking forward to future chapters! Oliver out!




Avian says...


hehe I'm glad I intrigued you! Thank you for the review and the suggestions. They will be helpful for editing and future chapters! :D




Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— Apple Inc.